Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[dex]

"And how is your wife? Hehehe!" Richard Osman smugly addresses you. Before you can reply with anything witty he says "Smell my fingers, mate."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A man who has been postponing suicide because his intention was to do it in tandem with the international release of No Time To Die gets a cashew lodged in his larynx. To death? Yes.

[batwings]

A mystery tour driver hate-scrolls through Wayne Sleep's twitter timeline while waiting for his coachload of void dodgers to come out of the biscuit factory.

[Glebe]

A gross of raw Edmonds is embedded in a BBC digital file, causing a glitch on the iPlayer that makes Mr. Blobby appear as an avatar of doom.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Your nan dies deep in the woods in a waterlogged gingerbread house that you helped erect.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Stalked by golf fans forever shouting GET IN THE HOOOOOOLE at you.

[batwings]

Your newly-arrived Russian bride is a dead bear in a yellow sundress. That's the third time now. Frustrating!

Your attempt to woo your beautiful new neighbour with a photo of your taint polyp ends in ignominy when you fall out of the Morrisons passport photo booth.

[jenna appleseed]

Your newly-arrived Russian bride is a dead bear in a yellow sundress. That's the third time now. Frustrating

And it wasn't even a Russian bear, you got conned by some chancers who just pinched one from your local zoo, and spent all that 'delivery money' on cigs.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Waking up covered in that film you get underneath onion skin, in Poole.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Your new housemate moonwalks into the front room.

[batwings]

Your penis is described as "a work in progress".

[Sebastian Cobb]

[Fishfinger]

Slowly grating yourself into a sewer, feet first, with sparse public attendance.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The nit comb you've been using as a toothpick has to be called into action for its true purpose, a musical instrument.

[Twit 2]

Your uncle says your railings project "has scope" but he's not even being charitable—he simply doesn't care.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You are declared Hortator of House Goebbels

[Ferris]

You are declared Hortator of House Goebbels

You are declared "Dönitz-tier".

[DoesNotFollow]

Waking up covered in that film you get in Poole, in the carpark of the Halfords autocentre in the Nuffield industrial estate, Poole.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Boycey's Sheffield lovechild pitches Dogglebox to the thin face in his bathroom mirror.

[derek stitt]

Visiting Auschwitz to take a break from your sex tourism holiday to Poland.

[jenna appleseed]

Paul Weller is very confused by a flood of bad amazon & yelp reviews from bewildered visitors of seashanty tiktok complaining about his total failure to deliver them sugar and tea and rum.

---

Paul Weller discovers seashanty tiktok and moans "this song is totally inaccurate, but I guess I should be pleased it didn't mention The Jam or my stupid hair, not even once."

[The Bumlord]

You awaken to discover you are just an eye on the pillow.

Back to sleep then.

[derek stitt]

Refusing to watch a Guy Ritchie film because they use the term Pikey instead of Gypo.

[petril]

Paul Weller is very confused by a flood of bad amazon & yelp reviews from bewildered visitors of seashanty tiktok complaining about his total failure to deliver them sugar and tea and rum.

---

Paul Weller discovers seashanty tiktok and moans "this song is totally inaccurate, but I guess I should be pleased it didn't mention The Jam or my stupid hair, not even once."

a similar case befall's the back end of a bus favourite Vitabiotics and their range of male-oriented vitamins and supplements

[batwings]

A peer-reviewed scientific paper proves you're a twat.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your valentine's gift of a staple gun is returned with interest.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your new godfather Rhydian holds a cum fiesta in your attic

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Oh you 3d printed a new leg for that paraplegic duck, how kind. Except now you've created a cyborg rapist.

Great work with the 3d printer there

Just great.

[petril]

your batshit paranoid mum sends her new man Bob to pick you up from the shopping mall

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

AEathelred Son of WAEathelwrong, shouts down a well for a laugh, the echo that reverberates back isn't his voice though. Suddenly a waEll Wytch leaps out and wanks him to death.