Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Glebe]

Cold haddock on a windy day in a shite village.

[jenna appleseed]

Pete Wylie gets addicted to the Sun puzzle page.

That explains why he never sent me the copy of Pete Sounds I ordered off him a year ago just before the first lockdown.
(real life Wylie purchasing deso)

I kinda suspected the site was old/abandoned and I'd probably never get the cd when I ordered it, + felt he probably deserved to finally get some money off me seeing all the Pete/Wah stuff I've owned & really liked was either second hand/free/taped off the radio.  Torn between thinking viewing it as a kind of Pete tax - I mean he probably needs the money. ands 'Where my fucking cd Pete?'  Could've got a refund from paypal but too late now. ah well. 

Tbh I'm just amazed he finally managed to actually finish and release it (even if only briefly via pledgemusic),
fuck actually hearing it. (it's probably a bit shit anyway, innit. eta: I probably could just torrent the bloody thing but is it really worth the eletricity?)

----

Real life Radio 2 listeners wives doing HSart threads out of a job desolation - just heard zoe Ball Sara Cox claim a listener emailed in saying:

"My wife talks in her sleep because of medication

I once heard her singing the whole of Orville's Song with added swearing."

I'm now imaging Orville going 'I wish I could fucking fly, but I fucking can't'. and it's so hilariously shit and grim and probably already been done somewhere on cab, it's great.

(eta: I'm slightly too young to actually remember Orville's song (just about still remember watching the actual show) but think I've heard bits via a terrible songs compilation show &/or youtube and mostly repressed the horror - very sickly and twee I think.)

[Glebe]

Grumpy nonce shouting at it's dog.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Daffyd's painstakingly recreated scale model of Belsen is destroyed in a scale model of an air raid, to the haunting sounds of the pan pipes.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your abuser installs bright new #Livelaughlove ornaments in the front room.

[Glebe]

Greg of Dumfries collects yogurt pot lids. He has also murdered 28 people.

[batwings]

A completely unqualified man drifts into becoming a bursar.

A suicidal quantity surveyor finally gets the help he needs... from Dignitas.

Note to self: re: speed dating. Swollen prostate = BAD icebreaker.

[Ferris]

A belm pilot crash lands inside Barry's duodenum.

[Twit 2]

A warning sign next to a railway crossing reads "PHONE DAZ"

[Sebastian Cobb]

Your dad joins a hip-hop crew and insists everyone refer to him as 'the assmaster'.

[Twit 2]

Your step dad fucks cod fillets in a chest freezer.

[pancreas]

The Bargain Hunt Christmas special sends the contestants to sniff out the best deals in human trafficking.

[batwings]

The cat's done a miscarriage in your mum's dogging helmet.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Avid Merrion takes your Dad for a karaoke of Ali G's Me Julie on the death tier lung ward.

[dex]

Kier Starmer beats you in yet another round of words with friends. He reminds you that despite the title, you have no friends.

[Ferris]

Tim Henman does a poo on Andy Murray's doorstep.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Thirsk's equivalent of the droogs from A Clockwork Orange go for their first night out for a bit of the auld debauchery, but get stuck in a mire near The World of James Herriot and need rescuing by a local.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Kier Starmer beats you in yet another round of words with friends. He reminds you that despite the title, you have no friends.

The coldness..

[Glebe]

Cold broth on a shite Tuesday.

[batwings]

Your Easter Egg: a Tesco scotch egg smeared with Nutella.

Weeping uncontrollably, Christopher Lillicrap spends Easter smashing a patio with a hammer.

Peter Hitchens hurls a lamb's head through your kitchen window.

[Glebe]

Former Blue Peter presenter Mark Curry does a really bad sketch of Grouty from Porridge and fucks it in the bin.

[Glebe]

Weevils are named 'The Best Thing' in a Reader's Digest poll.

[Cuellar]

A pathetic and stupid old man smirks at your genital cluster

[The Bumlord]

Prostate massage in a bin

[Chicory]

A Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds fan struggles to buy back his fully autographed John Smiths beer mat after finding out it wasn't that Warren Ellis.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Piotr sends a thank you card to 'the turd burglar that did my skin graft', filled with a competing but equal mixture of gratitude and bigotry.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Armin van Helden completes 'all the levels of the Game Boy' from his carrion plinth at the End of Life Care Home in Grange over Sands.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Callipers used largely for measuring derelicts on a biowaste ward become the centre of a whimsical feature film starring a really clever monkey.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

KFC's new CEO announces a 'celebratory return to our overtly paternalistic, racist, megapolluting origins'

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Genghis' torpor goes into belm overload as he passes a really quite prosaic alignment of rocks.