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Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, June 02, 2020, 09:29:27 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Shoulders?-Stomach!

The council ask why you are self harming yourself in the balls. You have no idea.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

None of them, not a single member of your extended family wish to see your kids: 'cos they are belsen'.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

At the vertex of your masturbatory excelsis, the anal creampie pullback reveals none other than DJ Tiësto and your mother executing some sort of rancid transaction.

batwings

On his deathbed, your 90 year old dad announces he "can't wait" for his first Hellwank.

A vicar bursts a bum grape with a spire-dildo, leaves negative feedback on EBay.

pancreas

Your 2* tripadvisor rating of your mum's vagina is flagged as helpful by your dad.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Meanwhile your Dad's cock is misattributed on TripAdvisor as the location of 'The Buttress' described as 'a very steep climb indeed, but worth it for the views'.

Glebe

Michael Heseltine "throws shade" at John Craven.

Twit 2

Your cock explodes after sealing your meatus with UniBond in a B&Q car park.

Glebe

Meredith of St. Ives knits a doll out of old men's hair trimmings.


Fishfinger

Nick Clegg's Greggs dregs clog the bog.

A dirty handprint on a child's skull.

Glebe

"Its wonky neck confirms the random meaninglessness of Darwinian evolution!" cries Richard Dawkins, tossing a dissected giraffe into the midst of a load of toddlers.

Berthas Fat Leg

114 dead after minivan containing Suede tribute act ploughs into orphanage.

Glebe

Stuart Maconie rage quits Manic Miner and chucks his 14" B&W Sanyo into the neighbours' flower bed in frustration.

seepage

In order to continue playing Doom after my monitor blew up, in a rage I bought the only thing in Lasky's that had VGA & sound input - a 14" Sanyo. For £350.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Your middle name Pustule begins to irk so you change this to Pustulation.

Glebe

Post-pandemic, there is a gathering of some Jeremy Clarkson fans. They all have their hilarious Clarkson masks on and do a group photo together on the steps of the stately home near Cheddar Gorge where the meeting has been arranged. Then they all split up awkwardly, some suggesting going to the pub for a pint and a chat about cars and others just going home. You notice an absolutely rotten fart smell lingering before you leave on you own.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You are good at painting and get into Warhammer, well into Warhammer actually, your life revolves around it, but no wait, you have just painted 32,000 penis specimens, why have you done that then..

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Your grief Councillor tricks you into thinking there's a duck called an R-Tard

A swollen swan swivels succinctly and thwacks you with it's thwing.

Fermented pigs holes don't sound that tempting but apparently it's delicacy in bumthorpes so you tuck in.

You blink at the sun, it seems to have gone all wrong, sure it's not meant to be purple. The sun grins at you and winks as your synapses fry and all your marbles spill out.

Glebe


Sebastian Cobb


Glebe

When the pandemic ends you celebrate by going to see a middle-age cabaret band perform the hits of Fleetwood Mac in a motel bar in Gloucester. The pints are warm and the food is made of something like chalk.

Glebe

Raymond of Hounslow has a massive nervous breakdown and throws out his entire collection of 20,000 ice lolly wrappers. He does get better after that, but it was a moment of desolation, I can tell you!

batwings

Brian Conley's new stalker spends five days camped outside Bradley Walsh's house, having followed the wrong man home from An Audience With Shane Richie.

Your unshaven daughter is the spit of Barry McGuigan, you complain to a bored prison psychologist.

1986: A passing Collin Welland guffs on your picnic.

Glebe

Pete of Glencoe gets a massive erection in the dentist's chair. Even the receptionist can see it through the open door.

batwings

"Never meet your heroes."  Tweets Malcolm, on the coach back from Minipopscon 2019




pancreas

A bee is choppes for making golden syrup.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Glebe