Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your zero salt stock cubes are branded 'vile' by tasters Jeremy Spake and Monique.

[pancreas]

Protestations that you know martial arts don't prevent you being cunted by a 12 year old armed with some rusty bike handlebars.

[Glebe]

Wetherspoons reopens and is named Restaurant of the Year.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your alter ego, a fleabitten ne'erdowell called Dogdon who gets special things called 'hard-ons' near flightless birds is now so close to your actual personality and existence that people are beginning to wonder where the character starts and the real man ends.

[Glebe]

Dogden, heh!

[Ferris]

An unemployed man stays in his bedroom to work on a Maximo Park / Linkin Park mashup.

[Glebe]

An unemployed man stays in his bedroom to work on a Maximo Park / Linkin Park mashup.

It turns out to be your dad.

[Glebe]

A child in Macclesfield is named Dogden of the Year.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A child in Macclesfield is named Dogden of the Year.

Laughed

Dogdon though. V important.

[Glebe]

Laughed

Dogdon though. V important.

Oh yeah sorry. DESO.

[Sebastian Cobb]

[Glebe]

^What's the equivalent in cows, though?

Jimmy Carr continues forever, hooting and boring you on endless gameshows. And Russell Howard, Greg Davies etc.

[Glebe]

An man named Oberon lives next door an cuts his toenails loudly of an evenin'!

[Chicory]

Violently degloved seven minutes into cuntbeak-sitting a turbulent cockatoo.

[Glebe]

Peterborough is blighted by the worst fart smell in existence.

[Glebe]

A miniature Nick Ross is discovered inside a crushed pangolin.

[Glebe]

David Platt kills his neighbour and buries him in a windsock.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The Witan votes that you, loyal medicine man and soothsayer be rechristened 'Druid McDruidface', a decision binding until the next folkmoot, scheduled for never.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The Board of Deputies convene to denounce your expression at a Bar Mitzvah in 2008 as 'sullen'.

[Cuellar]

You're not even good enough to move to Stevenage

[dex]

You're not even good enough to move to Stevenage

ouch!

[dex]

2 reduced battered cans of Diamond White in the Patchway Spa in Bristol. Been there 6 months with no takers...

[Captain Poodle Basher]

Your dad volunteers to replace your broken alarm clock.

You eagerly take him up on his kind offer but regret it once you realise it means your dad punches you in the head every morning at 7 am shouting "WAKE UP YOU LAZY BASTARD!"

[touchingcloth]

Administrative confusion leads to a barrel of Reggae Reggae sauce hosting Saturday Night Live.

[Glebe]

Tizzie Bumpkins reopens her Dorset salon at last, but the smell of rotten ammonia is unbearable, my love!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The unexplained assets crime force come round to ask where you got your tooth from.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A train door refuses to open until you 'repent'.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You truly believe that Nokia N-Gage are throwing a pool party  'in your honour'.

[pancreas]

Missing out on a long straight in a game of Yahtzee is the reason you can't see your kids any more.

[Glebe]

A mouthful of burnt hazelnuts is the best your going to get for afters this evening.