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Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, June 02, 2020, 09:29:27 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

batwings

You have an arse age of eighty and a cock age of two.

The scope of your piles disqualifies you from the single occupancy council tax discount.

Your DIY colostomy kit arrives with Hungarian instructions and missing a clamp.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


jenna appleseed

Quote from: Glebe on April 26, 2021, 04:55:16 PM
France turns into a giant kumquat and is declared a 'no-Clegg' zone, that's Peter Sallis' character Captain Clegg from vintage drama The Last Dregs of the Summertime Wine. Anyone who is Clegg who is attempting to enter the kumqaut will be shot on sight. "More news as it progresses," mumbled Jon Snow this afternoon.

Nick Clegg is accidentally shot while atempting to buy a Kumquat in Lidl.

Glebe

Quote from: jenna appleseed on May 07, 2021, 01:52:11 AM
Nick Clegg is accidentally shot while atempting to buy a Kumquat in Lidl.

A nearby Farage smiles and says "I told you so."

Glebe

Angelina Jolie throws Jamie Redknapp into a canal in Oldham.

Glebe

Matt Baker is attacked by a rabid langoustine near Coventry.

Berthas Fat Leg

It's a Tuesday night in 2002 and you're in a nightclub, and everyone's copping off and you're just sat there in the middle of it all holding a warm Smirnoff Ice.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You are passed fit to drive after telling an acorn your dog is Wednesday

Shoulders?-Stomach!

In your head your toilet changes room every 5 seconds, and you dash around the maundy remnants of your flat like piss pacman.

buttgammon

The BNP win the 2098 local elections by a landslide with their slogan "fuck off back to Venus you gaseous cunts".

batwings

Off to the new DFS hyperstore to pick out a deathbed.

pancreas

Your children are denied school places on account of them being fashioned out of your own turds. You complain to the council in big letters, writing the missive with smears taken from your children's heads. The council respond by sending round social services to flush your children down your own toilet.

Ferris

Your wake is held at an Ember Inns.

Glebe

A grim Tuesday brings with it icy weather, bad moods and the distinct aroma of fresh excrement!

batwings

Blind drunk while celebrating coming first in a Rod Liddle lookalike contest, your wife topples over your dialysis machine. Happy Birthday!

The teenager scanning your flowers at the co-op refers to you as 'down bad'.

Ferris


pancreas

As a result of the government's free speech initiatives, you find it much easier to get your research on rat gaping peer-reviewed.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You are expelled from Scientists4EU after an ill advised cum tribute to Carole Cadwalladr.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You lose all your pasty and bus money on new goblin crypto Golgcoin

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on May 10, 2021, 07:22:49 PM
You are expelled from Scientists4EU after an ill advised cum tribute to Carole Cadwalladr.

lol

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Devlin of Staines lists his dating interests as 'loss'.

Glebe

A middling David prepares himself for a career in finance and celebrates with a boiled egg.

While you enjoy a night on the town, a Gillette hired thug breaks in and absconds with your offbrand razors, leaving you hairy and ashamed.

Glebe

A bunch of Fyffes go rotten in a mildewy Bramley Co-Op.

batwings

A close-to-retirement gazebo fitter aspires to becoming a hospice ghoul.

The discovery of an octopus in your boiler erodes your confidence in an underlying rational order.

pancreas

A two week guava binge finishes off what was left of your teeth.

Glebe

A greasy chip emporium gives arse looseness for a week.

Chollis

Your parents present you with a DNR form on your 12th birthday.

pancreas

A red kite keeps ripping people's eyes from their sockets somewhere near Dumfries and the RSPB are tasing anyone who tries to defend themselves.