Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Zetetic]

"I recently worked with Fight Club: PRO, a Wolverhampton based wrestling company to develop their first official website."

[Smeraldina Rima]

"That's supposed to be the best pro wrestling in the country. I was planning to go."

[touchingcloth]

In Ibiza, Jon looks crestfallen after he receives a lukewarm response to his usual "how much your maidenhead" come on.

[Glebe]

An amateur dramatics group do their take on Keeping Up Appearances during a rain storm in Hull.

[touchingcloth]

While singing "oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine" you realise that you're actually up to your nuts in a satsuma. Idiot.

[jenna appleseed]

Listening to Soccer Superstar by Jess Conrad on a loop, imagining it mixed into/out of World In Motion and thinking actually it's not that worse in quality.

[jenna appleseed]

Jess Conrad sings "you pass the ball or dribble past your man" to himself as he dribbles spunk on the carpet.

[jenna appleseed]

Kieth Allen sees the above posts and kidnaps John Barnes forcing him to croon/rap a mashup cover of both songs for Eng-er-land.

[jenna appleseed]

An over zealous lost media preservations, outraged at the censoring of history, tries to edit Jimmy Savile back into the Is This The Way To Amarillo video, using AI. Due to a horrible techno misunderstanding the offical version permanently on youtube & all music telly, is still with Peter Kay but all the clebs are replaced by deep fake Mr. Jingle Jangles.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The ornamental spine on your Dad's gimp's hemipenis makes it 2-1 to Portugal.

[touchingcloth]

A misunderstanding means that instead of House of Pain, your forehead tattoo reads Goose of Pain.

[Chollis]

A dad tries to monetize his children's farts

[PlanktonSideburns]

You sweat the bed leaving a perfect sweaty silhouette of Garfield.

Brilliant

[PlanktonSideburns]

You go to use the wheelbarrow, but recoil in shock immediately

The handles, and also, you realise the whole barrow is piping hot. blisters begin to form on your hands.

You hear a discordant giggling from behind a Bush

[Ferris]

Bobby Davro's Crematorium gets five stars on Yelp.

[Chicory]

Competent at your job but you know deep down there's never going to be a promotion and your true calling is bringing hamsters off.

[dex]

Your Ford Probe that you have been polishing every week with pride without fail since 1998 is stolen. Not because its worth having, the thieves just wanted to do it because they know its going to hurt you.

[buttgammon]

The Bakerloo Line is closed due to ghosts.

[Chollis]

Try the new, hot & spicy "Delta Variant" from Domino's today - just £12.99 when you order a Chicken Side!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

When DJ Pied Piper arrives at your Grans funeral to announce that "we're lovin it lovin it lovin it!' the vicar completes the call and response "we're lovin it like thaaat-ah! "

You don't actually start to cry until the Ayia Napa bit though because it reminds you of a dwarf you totalled with a moped.

[Catalogue of ills]

You give up hitchhiking after a 6 hour journey in the company of Tom Bombadil

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Towards the end of a frankly lukewarm date you prepare your main boast to turn the tide of events:

"If you wish, I can send you a CD-ROM with over 5000 pictures of old beer coasters."

[Ferris]

"I have an extensive collection of Parker pens."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A recidivist molester extends his free rental agreement from the confines of your head to the boundaries of your property.

[touchingcloth]

You do wanks to the cummies song.

[Glebe]

The beach is full of cunts.

[touchingcloth]

You go to the pub every Wednesday to do Forever in Blue Jeans on the karaoke.

[Catalogue of ills]

Your 'Save our Seas' t-shirt is made from 100% organic, unbleached cotton, in a factory fully powered by renewable energy, by Bangladeshi slaves.

[Twit 2]

You die of gonorrhoea in a bucket of sick.

[Catalogue of ills]

"...it's been wanked to the size of a bookie's pencil... Ah, Mrs Trowbridge, you'll be wanting an update on your husband's condition"