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Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, June 02, 2020, 09:29:27 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Catalogue of ills

You take legal action against the makers of The Littlest Hobo on the basis that you have a littler Hobo. It's littler because you have removed its tail and ears. And its face, actually. You've left the legs on so that it can get about, thereby fulfilling the definition of 'hobo', otherwise they'd be off too.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Your first confirmed gig with cover band 'BDI' at Stockport Toilets happens to coincide with the 10th anniversary of your tenure as lead singer.

Catalogue of ills

Mixed results from your visit to the fortune teller.

"For you I see great future, very great future. Your anus, all is lost"

Cuellar

Belted up the arse by a franchised Blobby

touchingcloth

You call your newborn triplets Paddock, Sperm Bank and Boglin Boglin Boglin Boglin.

Ferris

Pube sandwich but the cheese is cold.

touchingcloth

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on August 02, 2021, 12:16:54 AM
Pube sandwich but the cheese is cold.

The best way. You don't want to be yelping "id's hodder dan de pube sun" while trying to keep the pubes in your mouth, do you?

Though I bet you do, Ferris, you dirty old bollocks, I bet you fucking do.

Normal people don't want this.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You find out you are being mothballed in 3 weeks but can't work out what to do in the meantime.

The Bumlord

Belted up the cockhole by Christopher Lillicrap

dex

Matthew Wanker of Mablethorpe skipping down the M2 and giggling emphatically.

Chicory

You're picked as recipient of the world's first papier-mâché arse transplant.  Well, not 'picked' as such.  It's a Supreme Court order.

Chollis

Your running playlist is just listening to PornHub videos on shuffle

Pink Gregory

A flying ant glances your kneecap and causes irreperable damage

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Twit 2

"Maybe if it's classed as boyslaughter it'll be less time," muses an errant dad, after accidentally punting his 4 year old into a river.

pancreas

I brought this wine after it was recommended on Saturday Kitchen.

Greg Torso

a chagrinned Usher wearing only a rhinestone posing pouch and pair of cheap seaside pier sunglasses trying to find his way way to Timbaland's studio but the woods are pitch black and his 2008 air-dunk Jordans can't find any purchase on the wet asphalt.

Greg Torso

From within a giant rolling dialysis wheel, a nonagenarian dust apostrophe asks her robot carer if she can "bang a pint of fent" into her shit arm

Greg Torso

An anus with a Qui-Gon Jinn action figure poking out of it receives 1 vote in the North Evington by-election.

dex

Having a man-crush on Sir Kier Starmer.

Pink Gregory


Shoulders?-Stomach!

You are conclusively bested at a roundabout by a Welsh, your least favourite of the races.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Boglinner emerges from his lair to cast gender-reveal fart spells at toilet queues.

touchingcloth

Ron Howard says "get your lugs round this" before putting Metallica's One on while he crimps your arse beard in the LEM.

Chollis

Sir Jimmy Saville is posthumously re-awarded his knighthood and OBE following a hugely popular public campaign led by the Daily Mail that insisted he was "a victim of woke culture".

Catalogue of ills

Alan's terrible wait for the consultant is finally over.

"Well Alan, I have some good news, we can save the left testicle"

"And...(gulp), the other..?"

"Well, I'm afraid we will have to remove the other one"

"No. Not...not Graham!!!"

touchingcloth

Your degloved penis is offered a presenting slot on GB News.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You take your Grandmother to a Hooters and end up breaking her jaw in a disagreement about who of the waitresses is fittest.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Your name translates to 'Cruel of Town' so the French all laugh at you.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You arrive for your cognitive behaviour sessions, and walk to the front desk to find the therapist shitting bare arsed into a styrofoam cup.