Author Topic: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes  (Read 84543 times)

Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1980 on: August 11, 2021, 10:16:37 AM »
Shoezone kek discipline and compulsory toilet training workshop, presented by Cheryl Tweedy

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1981 on: August 11, 2021, 10:26:46 AM »
Carole Malone's opinions lure you onto some rocks, destroying your ship and crew.

Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1982 on: August 11, 2021, 10:31:16 AM »
You are paid an aglet for your service to the millipaed vigilantes of West Ashby

Catalogue of ills

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1983 on: August 11, 2021, 11:12:35 AM »
In your wedding day speech your describe your spouse as a "scrawny beastfuck", eliciting nods of approval and envy from the guests.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1984 on: August 12, 2021, 01:24:11 AM »
Your musical career is compared favourably to the Pigeon Detectives.

Cuellar

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1985 on: August 12, 2021, 06:45:46 PM »
Fin-domed by Alan Hansen.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1986 on: August 12, 2021, 07:10:33 PM »
After your best anecdote falls flat, you are asked to leave a dinner party hosted by Vanessa Feltz.

Catalogue of ills

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1987 on: August 12, 2021, 07:44:56 PM »
Your musical career is compared favourably to the Pigeon Detectives.

You are in a Pigeon Detectives tribute band.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1988 on: August 13, 2021, 09:32:22 AM »
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions comes around an announces they are going to give your mum 'all the girth'.

touchingcloth

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1989 on: August 13, 2021, 11:31:58 AM »
You decide to holiday at Pontins Prestatyn because of their corporate stance against Irish Travellers. Whilst there you discover that the only passable wanking material you can download quickly enough to not lose your erection are records in Hansard of upskirting debates. You cum yourself dry on this newfound motherlode of grot, then head to the bar to tell Nige that all gypsies are slags, before forcing your phone beneath the skirt of a 6 year old. It is not until you return to your room that you realise that Nokia 3310s don't suit your needs. Few more tugs over Hansard and you head over to Phones4U to ask about the best cheapest phone with a camera that can work upside down in the dark. 3AM on Sunday morning by the time you arrive, so you just kip in the doorway until it opens, at which point a security guard stamps your guts into the pavement calling you hobo filth in a mockney accent. There is no funeral.

touchingcloth

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1990 on: August 15, 2021, 09:47:40 PM »
Dick and Dom in da bungalow belting you up da arse while eating haslet off of your back.

Twit 2

  • Unutterable anguish
Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1991 on: August 15, 2021, 11:28:53 PM »
“He’s my therapist. I’m paying him. It doesn’t matter,” you mutter as you jet shit out of your arse at his head.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1992 on: August 16, 2021, 01:15:00 PM »
John Torode and Greg Wallace are in your kitchen teaching your mum how to do the urban hand motion thing and laughing.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1993 on: August 19, 2021, 08:21:16 AM »
Your pub Pornhub is picketed by the Marxist left.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1994 on: August 19, 2021, 09:19:15 AM »
Your sister has been sighted in the High Weald neighing, stealing sandwich fillings, damaging fences, quarreling with palfreymen, yet it is you the police are searching for with gun-mounted helicopters.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1995 on: August 19, 2021, 01:13:37 PM »
Liza and Jimmy hatch the doomed guerilla self-promotional concept of stealing both “S”s on the outside of Starbucks.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1996 on: August 20, 2021, 04:52:02 PM »
It's been a hard week trying to find ways of bridging porcine epidemic diarrhoea virus from pigs to prostitutes.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1997 on: August 20, 2021, 04:55:31 PM »
Your elaborate Jimmy Tarbuck gag fails, to the surprise of no one.

batwings

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1998 on: August 21, 2021, 12:13:09 PM »
You are denied entry to a persons only jumble sale.

Joylessly throat-fucked behind the cafeteria bins by a workplace Colin.

Your new wife reacts badly to your attempt to play off your affair with her daughter as ‘bants’.



pancreas

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #1999 on: August 21, 2021, 07:47:28 PM »
You were belted up the arse by an ettin called PAEDWRAITH

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2000 on: August 22, 2021, 09:15:01 AM »
You have the moniker 'Sane' attached before your forename, and even the census people seem to be using it.

buttgammon

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2001 on: August 22, 2021, 09:24:13 AM »
Big Chives sends some henchmen round to incinerate your herb garden and rough up your flowerbeds.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2002 on: August 22, 2021, 10:57:22 AM »
Fuck you, you’re not a hero, you didn’t stand up for Skyrim: Ultimate Edition.”

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2003 on: August 22, 2021, 09:03:26 PM »
Your 'Win The Future' Kevin Starmer pillowcase has arrived!

Twit 2

  • Unutterable anguish
Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2004 on: August 22, 2021, 09:12:05 PM »
The Gerontocark Institute informs you your GranDa is due “an absolute cunting.”

Twit 2

  • Unutterable anguish
Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2005 on: August 22, 2021, 09:22:48 PM »
Your wedding reading is field recordings of Alabama slaves recalling the arduous tanning process.

Twit 2

  • Unutterable anguish
Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2006 on: August 22, 2021, 09:24:22 PM »
Your life is overtaken by a man who calls himself “Frank Ovens.”

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2007 on: August 22, 2021, 09:53:04 PM »
Frank Ovens has taken my wife. Frank Ovens has taken my children. Frank Ovens has taken my ovens.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2008 on: August 22, 2021, 10:23:15 PM »
Belted up the ovens by Frank Ovens

Twit 2

  • Unutterable anguish
Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2009 on: August 22, 2021, 11:33:25 PM »
Your anus begins hosting evenings of whist.

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