Author Topic: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes  (Read 85098 times)

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2070 on: September 17, 2021, 01:45:24 PM »
You explain mid-coitus the difference between a pelican and a toucan crossing, both of which are visible from the abandoned car park.

Catalogue of ills

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2071 on: September 17, 2021, 07:19:22 PM »
At death's door at the age of 48, Pat finally notices that saying "I shouldn't be having this" is not the same as not actually having it.

touchingcloth

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2072 on: September 18, 2021, 12:31:05 AM »
Finally out of ideas, the producers option Borat for Phase XXII of the MCU.

Sebastian Cobb

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2073 on: September 18, 2021, 12:57:45 AM »
You delay an important trip to the doctors by convincing yourself it's 'not unheard of for  people to cum rust'.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2074 on: September 18, 2021, 01:33:54 AM »
I Have No Arse And I Must Shit.

batwings

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2075 on: September 18, 2021, 09:48:13 AM »
Absolutely gutted because your child's funeral clashes with a Robert Rinder meet and greet you had tickets for, you explain to Robert Rinder.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2076 on: September 18, 2021, 10:09:03 PM »
Made up by the loss of a friends father

"That's him out of the way"

buttgammon

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2077 on: September 18, 2021, 10:43:43 PM »
You go on holiday to South Georgia in order to mope. The ensuing damage drives eight endangered ragworts and mosses into extinction.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2078 on: September 18, 2021, 11:05:13 PM »
After investing your life savings in property, your child in the local school system, and a significant sum at the local university to complete a graduate degree, your mum turns up and describes your new home city as “quite nice, a bit like Plymouth”.

dex

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2079 on: September 18, 2021, 11:36:55 PM »

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2080 on: September 19, 2021, 11:11:05 AM »
Your FOI request to the Forestry Commission yields a printout of a review of Theydon Bois

"Such dildplay."

Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2081 on: September 19, 2021, 12:09:41 PM »
Everton.

Catalogue of ills

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2082 on: September 21, 2021, 06:21:08 PM »
Steve Lamacq is at the football (his local non-league side), listening to the Kaiser Chiefs in one ear, wearing a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt and making a list of non-league goalies who used to be in bands on his phone while 'supping' on a pint of 'ale', causing all vaginas in a 5 mile radius to dry up. When he gets home he finds his wife has left him for someone who works at Radio 3, puts on By the Time I Get To Phoenix, and settles down to work on his spreadsheet of Supergrass anecdotes.

the midnight watch baboon

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2083 on: September 23, 2021, 10:25:22 AM »
Lauren buys Steve a Next Home voucher for their anniversary. He buys her the same. They laugh, then go there.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2084 on: September 23, 2021, 11:24:36 AM »
A thirty year sentence as head of Quality Assessment for Channel 5.

jenna appleseed

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2085 on: September 23, 2021, 08:50:42 PM »
Being the person forced to hide in the computer and draw all the weird pictures people keep typing in, unable to complain/demand more money as you're stuck pretending to be an ai, just having to constantly churn out a consent flow of blurry porn inexplicably involving prog rock, 80s light entertainers, 90s comedy peeps and labour politicians.

Cuellar

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2086 on: September 24, 2021, 10:34:20 PM »
A group of lads designates a mutual acquaintance 'The Professor'

madhair60

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2087 on: September 25, 2021, 12:25:51 AM »
You try to change the channel to Babestation Blue but unfortunately have programmed your universal remote control incorrectly, and instead switch off your father's pacemaker

touchingcloth

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2088 on: September 25, 2021, 01:52:24 AM »
Steve Lamacq is at the football (his local non-league side), listening to the Kaiser Chiefs in one ear, wearing a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt and making a list of non-league goalies who used to be in bands on his phone while 'supping' on a pint of 'ale', causing all vaginas in a 5 mile radius to dry up. When he gets home he finds his wife has left him for someone who works at Radio 3, puts on By the Time I Get To Phoenix, and settles down to work on his spreadsheet of Supergrass anecdotes.

I think I speak for my vagina when I say “sopping”.

Glebe

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2089 on: September 25, 2021, 04:16:18 AM »
A cold egg sandwich goes begging in a miserable dustman's holdall.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2090 on: September 25, 2021, 10:03:44 AM »
One of your performance targets at work for the next quarter is 'Stop having one leg slightly shorter than the other'.

buttgammon

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2091 on: September 25, 2021, 10:08:24 AM »
A former Soviet republic bans blinking 'for a laugh'.

Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2092 on: September 25, 2021, 10:41:41 AM »
Your wife divorces you, citing "twattery in bed".

Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2093 on: September 25, 2021, 10:45:07 AM »
A midwife loses her job for asking a newborn baby if it fancies going for a drink later.

Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2094 on: September 25, 2021, 10:46:35 AM »
Promoted to "assistant to the chief in charge of buying Twix multipacks for the office earwig".

Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2095 on: September 25, 2021, 10:48:58 AM »
A letter from the council announcing they are flushing the cemeteries and you have five working days to collect your dead.

Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2096 on: September 25, 2021, 10:50:44 AM »
A wasp stuck on a crossword puzzle.

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2097 on: September 25, 2021, 11:00:59 AM »
Cornered in a service station on the A38, a Roy “Chubby” Brown impersonator has no choice but to listen to your homebrewed routines.

Catalogue of ills

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Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2098 on: September 25, 2021, 12:17:15 PM »
You have to tell your work coach that you lost your last job because you couldn't get your cumshots on target.

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes
« Reply #2099 on: September 25, 2021, 01:29:23 PM »
Donal of Leeds collects bar codes. Yes, BAR CODES.

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