Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You explain mid-coitus the difference between a pelican and a toucan crossing, both of which are visible from the abandoned car park.

[Catalogue of ills]

At death's door at the age of 48, Pat finally notices that saying "I shouldn't be having this" is not the same as not actually having it.

[touchingcloth]

Finally out of ideas, the producers option Borat for Phase XXII of the MCU.

[Sebastian Cobb]

You delay an important trip to the doctors by convincing yourself it's 'not unheard of for  people to cum rust'.

[Ferris]

I Have No Arse And I Must Shit.

[batwings]

Absolutely gutted because your child's funeral clashes with a Robert Rinder meet and greet you had tickets for, you explain to Robert Rinder.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Made up by the loss of a friends father

"That's him out of the way"

[buttgammon]

You go on holiday to South Georgia in order to mope. The ensuing damage drives eight endangered ragworts and mosses into extinction.

[Ferris]

After investing your life savings in property, your child in the local school system, and a significant sum at the local university to complete a graduate degree, your mum turns up and describes your new home city as "quite nice, a bit like Plymouth".

[dex]

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your FOI request to the Forestry Commission yields a printout of a review of Theydon Bois

"Such dildplay."

[Kankurette]

Everton.

[Catalogue of ills]

Steve Lamacq is at the football (his local non-league side), listening to the Kaiser Chiefs in one ear, wearing a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt and making a list of non-league goalies who used to be in bands on his phone while 'supping' on a pint of 'ale', causing all vaginas in a 5 mile radius to dry up. When he gets home he finds his wife has left him for someone who works at Radio 3, puts on By the Time I Get To Phoenix, and settles down to work on his spreadsheet of Supergrass anecdotes.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Lauren buys Steve a Next Home voucher for their anniversary. He buys her the same. They laugh, then go there.

[Ferris]

A thirty year sentence as head of Quality Assessment for Channel 5.

[jenna appleseed]

Being the person forced to hide in the computer and draw all the weird pictures people keep typing in, unable to complain/demand more money as you're stuck pretending to be an ai, just having to constantly churn out a consent flow of blurry porn inexplicably involving prog rock, 80s light entertainers, 90s comedy peeps and labour politicians.

[Cuellar]

A group of lads designates a mutual acquaintance 'The Professor'

[madhair60]

You try to change the channel to Babestation Blue but unfortunately have programmed your universal remote control incorrectly, and instead switch off your father's pacemaker

[touchingcloth]

Steve Lamacq is at the football (his local non-league side), listening to the Kaiser Chiefs in one ear, wearing a Franz Ferdinand t-shirt and making a list of non-league goalies who used to be in bands on his phone while 'supping' on a pint of 'ale', causing all vaginas in a 5 mile radius to dry up. When he gets home he finds his wife has left him for someone who works at Radio 3, puts on By the Time I Get To Phoenix, and settles down to work on his spreadsheet of Supergrass anecdotes.

I think I speak for my vagina when I say "sopping".

[Glebe]

A cold egg sandwich goes begging in a miserable dustman's holdall.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

One of your performance targets at work for the next quarter is 'Stop having one leg slightly shorter than the other'.

[buttgammon]

A former Soviet republic bans blinking 'for a laugh'.

[Gregory Torso]

Your wife divorces you, citing "twattery in bed".

[Gregory Torso]

A midwife loses her job for asking a newborn baby if it fancies going for a drink later.

[Gregory Torso]

Promoted to "assistant to the chief in charge of buying Twix multipacks for the office earwig".

[Gregory Torso]

A letter from the council announcing they are flushing the cemeteries and you have five working days to collect your dead.

[Gregory Torso]

A wasp stuck on a crossword puzzle.

[Ferris]

Cornered in a service station on the A38, a Roy "Chubby" Brown impersonator has no choice but to listen to your homebrewed routines.

[Catalogue of ills]

You have to tell your work coach that you lost your last job because you couldn't get your cumshots on target.

[Glebe]

Donal of Leeds collects bar codes. Yes, BAR CODES.