Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Gregory Torso]

A letter, postmarked from The Gambia, with just the words "unfuckable Les Dawson stunt double" written on it, successfully finds it way to you.

amazing

[touchingcloth]

You adopt the coprophagal diet of a hare.

[Glebe]

Craig of Leytonstone has a surprizing hobby, for he literally likes watching paint dry, "in every hour I can spare!"

[touchingcloth]

Sooty commits suttee and Sweep sweeps up his ashes and gets sued by Soo.

I don't fucking know.

[Ferris]

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your experiments in fermenting semen are cracking along with a ferocious development programme.

[touchingcloth]

Your experiments in fermenting semen are cracking along with a ferocious development programme.

Who's this doing that? Do you know if the have any vacancies going? I'd be interested in being a marketing manager or product tester.

[Glebe]

Tim of Dorset rubs Marmalade into his tits, his own tits.

[touchingcloth]

You get a job at the local BP garage because you're "mega into cars".

[batwings]

In hospital having a gastric band fitted... to your tapeworm.

[buttgammon]

You get a job at the local BP garage because you're "mega into cars".

Two weeks in and you're put out to pasture, replaced by a brave boy.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

In hospital having a gastric band fitted... to your cumworm.

Ouch

[batwings]

Your mother's killer's joyful mocking of your leaky colostomy bag is trending on TikTok.

[The Bumlord]

So grotesquely hideous in both body and spirit are you that you decide to marry yourself. You are jilted at the altar.

[touchingcloth]

At the pub you try to get an argument going about BP versus Esso.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You announce to the residents of Mecklenburg-Verpommen that you are 'coming over there'.

[Chollis]

Your mum invites you round for Sunday roast to meet her new boyfriend. It's Dapper Laughs. He gleefully describes the roast lamb as "moist" at every opportunity, to chuckles around the table. He locks eyes with you across the spread, grinning and running his index finger back and forth under his nose.

[touchingcloth]

You get a tattoo on your penis of salt bae.

[touchingcloth]

The doctors spend months trying to work out why your body has rejected tem successive kidney transplants, but it turns out they all rejected you.

[dex]

You open a king bin and your woodwork teacher is in there, with no expression on his face chewing on rubbish. You're incensed with jealousy.

[touchingcloth]

You understand what a king bin is.

[Ferris]

Trapped inside a haunted copy of Livin' La Vida Loca.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You get a tattoo on your penis of salt bae.

The tattoo artist lets the needle slide off his elbow onto your cock.

$4,500 please sirah

[pancreas]

In a fit of existential pique, you take a magnet to all your 3.5" floppy disks with your usenet porn on them ... and then spend the next two months feeling like pure shit just want them back

[poo]

Arrests made as "Ainsley's Charity Oetker-thon" ends in mass suicide

[touchingcloth]

You bankrupt yourself through your attempts to try and convince Alton Towers to create a rollercoaster based on Meet the Fockers.

[Glebe]

"Hey guys, I'm sorry to inform you that your home has been repossessed. Good luck house-hunting from all of us, and hey, I really do mean that!" *millennial smile*

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You spend hours a day combing your last remaining hair in the fridge.

[Ferris]

The last CaB post that made you laugh was one you wrote but have no memory of submitting at all.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The new Blackadder series is finally agreed upon, set in Ireland in the Magdalene laundries.