Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[dissolute ocelot]

The council designates the street outside your house as the district's official rutting area for horny alleycats. Also, a hairy German bloke is filming it all.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

The council designates the street outside your house as the district's official rutting area for horny alleycats. Also, a hairy German bloke is filming it all.

The German bloke asks you, as a native English speaker, to narrate the film.

Soon, alley cat aficionados come to recognise your diffident tones as you describe the onscreen action.

Then the fan mail starts.

Now some wiseacre uses your narration in all sorts of memes and your voice is linked to a barrage of tweeted clips of personal and public events with your narration of the various sex acts of randy felines added in.

You can't leave the house because everyone recognises your voice and ask you to record personal messages for them and get angry when your refuse.

Your corpse is found dangling from the bannister by a super fan who broke into your house.

At your funeral, a clip of you describing a particularly yowlsome bit of business from Alley Cats III is played as your coffin is lowered into the cremation pit.

[batwings]

A white boomer who sports an Afro, wears an unnecessary eye patch, and who molests cabbage-patch kids on Tiktok calls you a weirdo.

[jenna appleseed]

A white boomer who sports an Afro, wears an unnecessary eye patch, and who molests cabbage-patch kids on Tiktok calls you a weirdo.

That guy from Dr. Hook's let himself go.

[Ferris]

[Fishfinger]

^

Never too late to murder your children.

[Glebe]

You nurse an awful hangover while getting nagged to do the hoovering.

[Glebe]

A jam sandwich turns out to have a Tampax in it.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Rod Liddle with all tampax down his front

[dex]

You cannot have that awful mole removed from your face as it has been registered as a listed building and has grade II status.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You are promoted at the Ashfield Conservatoire to the lofty position of polychaete worm

[Captain Poodle Basher]

Your mum has divorced your dad so that she can marry you.

You'll have to divorce your brother first mind.

[Glebe]

A miserable scrote ruins a child's birthday party by urinating on the Spider-Man cake.

[touchingcloth]

Your gravestone is engraved with nothing more than "Do you not know who Eric Hichmo is?"

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A tapas of cardiac arrest

[Twit 2]

"I want a photograph of you, for my toilet" remains your best chat up line.

[petril]

your career test at school comes back with one word, and you've made it your greatest work: arsehole

[petril]

you regret turning down the chance to be a professional contrarian

[touchingcloth]

you regret turning down the chance to be a professional contrarian

No I don't.

[buttgammon]

Your request for clemency is denied: another year at WH Smith's it is.

[dex]

You take the wanking thread literally -ready to boast of your experience on there. Then it hits you of how much of a wanker you are. Its 3 AM in Heacham and this is it.

[dex]

James Corden, Ricky Gervais, Ed Shearan, Russel Brand and Johnathan Ross all pile back to yours uninvited. As cunty as they all are you are still the cunts cunt of them all.

[Ferris]

No I don't.

Yes you fucking do.

[batwings]

A wrong turn in a stately home ends up with you being coerced into a human centipede with David Mellor and Nicholas Soames.

[Catalogue of ills]

You go to the GP, they examine you and say "You've got fleas again you stupid cunt"

[jenna appleseed]

your career test at school comes back with one word, and you've made it your greatest work: arsehole

Goatse the early years.

[Glebe]

Soggy toast is the order of the day here in Thurso.

[poo]

Medical records showing that you were conceived anally are used against you in a parking dispute.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your wank shrine of Greta Thunbergs face on Germaine Greer is mistakenly submitted as an art piece for a national competition and does rather well.

[touchingcloth]

Sales of your medical forceps go up thousands of percent after a targeted ad campaign directed at people wanting to go "absolutely mental on pick-'n'-mix" during COVID.