Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Glebe]

Michael Heseltine skateboards around Chicago screaming, "I'M A TRUE BLUE TORY GOONER!"

[Earnest Sexpot]

An off-handed quip about your youthful attraction to the Cadbury's Caramel Bunny at a parents' evening leads to years of "Donna's dad's a rabbit-shagger" torment

[Cuntbeaks]

A Christian Rock Weekender on ketamine and shrooms.

You mull over your cancer diagnosis with an own brand Lidl pot noodle.

Stabbed in a chippy over your choice of condiment.

[batwings]

Your birth is cancelled due to lack of interest.

The prospect of a new Then Jerico album is all that's keeping you going. That and the chemotherapy.

Your attempt to head a sex cult ends up with a lot of unwanted bumming.

[ollyboro]

A Rottweiler loses his erection whilst fucking your leg.

[dissolute ocelot]

While eating your breakfast, you find a Shreddie that looks exactly like your ex-wife. In a few seconds it withers and dissolves like your marriage just did.

[Glebe]

Brian Conley cancels his appearance at the opening of a new Poundstretcher because he believes it is "beneath him". When the phone stops ringing over the next few months he rings the head office of Poundstretcher to apologize, and offers his services for the opening of "any Poundstretcher, anywhere".

[touchingcloth]

A shop worker calls you "a stupid old cunt" for no real reason. You ask him if he kisses his mother with that potty of a mouth, and dine out for years on the anecdote, calling it your "Falling Down moment".

[Glebe]

"Er, Dawn, can I have a word?"

"No Tim, you pathetic streak of piss."

[touchingcloth]

There were ten in the bed and the little one said "is there any more of the eleventh's liver left?"

[Glebe]

People gloom around in a misery-town.

[touchingcloth]

You enter the nursery to see your infant son using a Stickle Brick to peel his own face off.

[touchingcloth]

You find your mum crying sat alone in her Ka in the driveway. When you ask her what the matter is she sobs uncontrollably and says "sore cunny, sore cunny".

[Glebe]

You keep coming across interviews with celebrities saying they are atheists, and this triggers fucking massive anxiety!

[batwings]

Cornering you in a pub toilet, a stranger introduces you to his polyp.

[Glebe]

"Hello, I'm Harold Bishop."

[pancreas]

Your friend George admits to you that he was abused by Saville, but on further questioning you discover this consisted of him being called a 'doughy pig abortion, 0.5/10' and sent home.

[pancreas]

You first find out your girlfriend was pregnant when the vet comes back and tells you that she's miscarried all her pups. You get them baptised anyway, because you think it's a sin to lie with heathens.

[Glebe]

Peter Hitchens describes Richard Littlejohn as a "feminist".

[touchingcloth]

You hear that SARS-CoV-2 was caused by a pangolin, so you eat them all.

[pancreas]

Ed Sheehan is booked to play Candle In The Wind at Elton John's funeral.

[Ferris]

Ed Sheeran is booked to play Hey Jude at Paul McCartney's funeral.

[Ferris]

Also works with Angels at Robbie Williams' funeral.

[PlanktonSideburns]

No it doesn't

[Ferris]

Yes it does

[touchingcloth]

Ed Sherring hums the Last Post at Jacob Rees-Mogg's funeral for his fifth favourite child.

[Glebe]

Nigel Lythgoe goes around London taking all the change out of the cups of people begging.

[Sebastian Cobb]

https://twitter.com/GeorgeWeaver20/status/1306192594662305792

[Glebe]

https://twitter.com/GeorgeWeaver20/status/1306192594662305792

"Where any of those Addidas trainers not stolen, Gary?"

"No, Daz. No."

[Glebe]

The Apprentice is shown on all channels, 24/7.