Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Fishfinger]

Your skeleton's had enough, and fucks off into the night. The slamming of the door sends brief ripples across the still sentient remains: a sac of helpless, meaty slop.

[Fishfinger]

"Don't break my legs, my achy, breaky legs!" moans Billy Ray Cyrus. But that won't save him. Oh no. Once more comes the golf club.

[Fishfinger]

The phone rings: your spouse has won the lottery! But unfortunately it's the industrial accident lottery. They will be returned to you in a small plastic bag. Which they'll need back, by the way.

[pancreas]

You rub Vicks Vapo-Rub over the end of your penis to distract from the pain of losing an ebay auction for a replacement apple mac charger.

[Huxleys Babkins]

You're accused of being Sinophobic for declaring Tang Village's crispy beef as "horribly greasy".

[Sebastian Cobb]

"Where any of those Addidas trainers not stolen, Gary?"

"No, Daz. No."

Hahahaha!

[Pingers]

Sex offenders edition of Guess Who?

"Did yours used to work for the BBC?"

[Glebe]

You accidentally click on a BDSM vid as your relatives arrive.

[batwings]

Your unforgivable funeral wank makes it onto the crematorium's Xmas tape.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The contents of an intemperate noodle sachet put paid to monthly Scat Night

[Glebe]

An arse acts disrespectfully in a public venue.

[dissolute ocelot]

Moomintroll accidentally posts an obscene limerick into the group WhatsApp.

[touchingcloth]

You watch The Usual Suspects for the twentieth time, and are still surprised by who Keyer Soze is.

[derek stitt]

Getting nostalgic for the simpler times, when Bukkake were only known as sperm baths.

[touchingcloth]

Your name suddenly becomes Güenter, and your non-avuncular uncle starts calling you Cunter.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

How did a guy born in Scunthorpe in the 1980s go on to become Nothing?


Find out Tonight, in Nothing

[Glebe]

John from Worthing plays Crash Bandicoot on his old PS1 while his wife is having triplets. The nursemaid sends him a pic and he replies with a smiley emoji. Then it's back to Crash Bandicoot.

[batwings]

A mobile cervical smear testing scheme turns out be a wrong-brained ex squaddie with a packet of cotton ear buds at the back of the Asda shuttle bus.

Richard Dawkins chases an Islamic blue-bottle around his conservatory with a rolled up Observer.

Your old wank puppet winds up on Storage Wars.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

https://twitter.com/TheMichaelMoran/status/1307622000156987393?s=09

[derek stitt]

Your mum pays to go and see a Psychic who claims to speak to the characters killed off in Soap Operas.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your official, legal, registered civil partner says your jeb helm honks of cliffs

[batwings]

Mid-examination, your proctologist starts nervously reciting the Lord's Prayer under their breath.

[Glebe]

A melted Aero clogs up your good suit jacket pocket.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

It's arse nits. And the matron approaches with the dreaded nit comb.

[pancreas]

Your wife has had enough and makes you sells off your rat milk dairy.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Stereophonics steal your dog. You ask them to give it back, but they won't. They just won't!

[petril]

Stereophonics steal your dog. You ask them to give it back, but they won't. They just won't!

your counter of sending then a thousand Swan Vestas is completely ignored

[derek stitt]

No, filling up empty Fray Bentos tins with your own manure and then fly tipping them on national trust ground is not performance art, it's Satan's work and you know it.

[Glebe]

Ron from Stornoway begins a bitter dispute with his local supermarket over their batch of stale digestives.

[Quote]

'The Britain We Knew' Facebook group:

Jan: Thinking back to the days of daily milk delivery ... remember the milkman?

Dave: He was a f*cking nonce