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Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, June 02, 2020, 09:29:27 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Pingers


batwings

An Arthur-Mallard-faced nun slimes a crucifix.

An abortion doctor's chess computer won't boot.

A flasher on the late train to Crewkerne just wants to talk... while masturbating with a rinsed-out Oasis Citrus Punch bottle.

batwings

Mark Francois has an underwhelming orgasm in a khaki wank swing suspended from the roof of his Anderson shelter.

A disgraced councilwoman with a Puffin phobia falls onto a Puffin-covered cliff ledge.

Glebe

Quote from: batwings on September 24, 2020, 10:53:43 AMA disgraced councilwoman with a Puffin phobia falls onto a Puffin-covered cliff ledge.

Karma.

batwings

Long lost siblings unknowingly reconnect via a glory hole.

A Yeovil minicab stinks of spiders.

Work dries up for a Colin Welland lookalike.

A waste of space calls his son Pope John Paul II Jenkins.

derek stitt

Public bumming for panic buyers is defeated in the House of Lords.

Ferris

You are declared "Chode of the Year" in absentia.

Glebe

A rotten gherkin is the single item on today's dessert menu.

Captain Poodle Basher

You arrive home to be informed that your parents have donated your anus to a medical museum and that they'll be here to collect it shortly.

Glebe

Quote from: Captain Poodle Basher on September 24, 2020, 08:47:16 PMYou arrive home to be informed that your parents have donated your anus to a medical museum and that they'll be here to collect it shortly.

They just pull it off you and put it in a Tesco bag.

Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

The Amazon Affiliate box at the top of the forum is recommending JK Rowling's latest Cormorant Strike novel.

It has four and a half stars.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on September 25, 2020, 12:48:21 AM
The Amazon Affiliate box at the top of the forum is recommending JK Rowling's latest Cormorant Strike novel.

It has four and a half stars.

You become aware your shitposting is at least partially responsible for this.

dex

A monetised, social media post describes a horrible nonce crime and an appeal to bring the perp to justice, with your profile picture as the image of the person police want to speak to.

pancreas

Guardian Long Read: How The Golden Girls found a millennial audience through the medium of deepfakes.


Captain Poodle Basher

Quote from: Glebe on September 24, 2020, 09:16:34 PM
They just pull it off you and put it in a Tesco bag.


For the rest of your days you have to borrow someone else's anus whenever you need to take a shit.

Pingers

You go to your mum's house to finally meet her new fella, the one she's been going on about. It's John Leslie. He sits there, smirking at you and sniffing his fingers.

batwings

Age has brought you inevitably to this. Long dead are dreams of glory, adventure, and all-conquering, everlasting love. Now it's a 65 inch oled and a soundproof wank cellar.




Berthas Fat Leg

A man in supermarket-bought jeans tries to defend Be Here Now.

Glebe

Roger DeCourcey gets into a punch-up with Mick Miller in a knick-knack shop near Deptford. This could have gone in 'Celebs doing things in places' but it qualifies as desolate. Certainly for Miller, who sustained a broken nose.

"I went into a knick-knack shop yesterday. I said 'How much is that sewing kit?' The bloke said 'Five quid.' Then who should appear but Roger DeCourcey, sans Nookie Bear. He said, 'I want that sewing kit for me wife.' A fight ensued and he broke me nose. Sorry, I've not thought of a punchline for this yet. I'm just working it into me act. Observational."

Cuntbeaks

Buzzing butane gas at a Robbie Wiliams tribute gig.

Positive Biopsy.

Using Shippams Classic Crab Paste as lube.

touchingcloth

#622
And youu shit.

And you shit.

And you shit.

And you die.

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 21, 2020, 09:21:52 PM
Your official, legal, registered civil partner says your jeb helm honks of cliff's

Cliff denies this outright

The Bumlord

You awake to find your penis has tripled in length, to an impressive 9 inches.

Unfortunately girth = 1 micron

poo

A 100% effective cure for coronivirs is discovered, but it involves continuously listing to Mark Morrison's 'Return of the Mack' at high volume for 6 weeks.

Spoon of Ploff

Seeking sustenance for the first time in five days, Bob spies the dried bean juice drops on his keyboard.

"I've done some of my best shagging in Crewe"

pancreas

Florence's husband overhears the doctors discussing her case. 'Her flesh was hanging out of her skin like a badly packed duvet.'

Your wife gets absolutely zero resistance as she starts referring to you as "the mong" when talking with her friends and your close family.