Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[touchingcloth]

Your dad enters your room and says "watashi wa not your real dad. Hadouken." and just like that he's gone from your life forever.

[dex]

Your six year old daughter bellows "Shut up, cunt!" when you greet her on your return from work.

[bgmnts]

I just saw a pair of malnourished red kites greedily tearing at the corpse of a child absolutely riddled with covid.

Chuckled.

[batwings]

Amnesty International issues a press release about your most recent wank.

A Les Dennis tribute act dries on stage mid-Mavis.

Morrissey jolts awake from the laughing custard dream just as his Intercity plunges into a tunnel.

[dissolute ocelot]

I just saw a pair of malnourished red kites greedily tearing at the corpse of a child absolutely riddled with covid.

Chuckled.

Kite can't get COVID but your ferret is fucked.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A stem cell researcher seeking to learn Romanian in the easiest, fastest, cheapest and most fun way, is negligently severed by a lathe.

[Glebe]

Jimmy Carr is your long-lost uncle.

[Pingers]

After 40 years, your mum finally tells you she loves you, but follows up straight away with "long time".

[batwings]

The last person who touched you with any kind of affection was your infant school nit nurse.

[batwings]

L'Oréal called, it turns out you aren't actually worth it.

[Glebe]

A neighbour named Roger hosts an 'easy jazz' party in his back garden, that ends with a rich twat vomiting in your driveway.

[Glebe]

Richard Dawkins smiles as you have a nervous breakdown on your front lawn.

[Ferris]

Courtesy of Seb Cobb in the xmas food thread.

[batwings]

A retired sapper's one man campaign to return the Yorkie bar to its pre 2002 size culminates in an armed stand off at a Minehead newsagents.

A pensioner's nappy, heavy with bum maggots.
(Buyer must collect).

A crippled moth laughs at your stutter, you expect.

[drummersaredeaf]

"Hi guys! Big shout out to Pepperami for sponsoring this video..."

[touchingcloth]

You force your grandparents - both sets - to sleep in the same bed like Charlie Bucket's. All four of them protest "we own our own homes! Why are you like this?" and you just tell them to shut up and get in the bed. They've all got dementia or Parkinson's or Down's or whatever.

[touchingcloth]

Having worked your entire career as an aide you get diagnosed with AIDS. You're a bit dense, so you end up sending an email to all of your family and friends saying "unfortunately the hospital has diagnosed me with Aide's Syndrome."

[batwings]

A fat black slug squeezes its way out of your penis hole and plops into the toilet bowl where it drowns in dark yellow piss. Not the best start to the week but at least you're not Kelvin MacKenzie.

A street mime's chance encounter with Werner Herzog leads to them developing a chronic surgical addiction problem.

A boy missing for years turns up one day out of the blue, wanking incessantly, refusing to explain.

[DistressedArea]

Each year, on the anniversary of his death, the victim of a street murder is raised from the dead for a single day, in order to attend a series of seminars on enterprise change management.

[Glebe]

A miserable bus conductor growls at you menacingly.

[Glebe]

You get home from Aldi to discover all your purchases are damaged.

[bgmnts]

You go back to Aldi to find every single product and staff member damaged.

[Glebe]

Jim Davidson pisses on the bathroom floor and tells his wife he "done a wee-dozy".

[touchingcloth]

From your shower you can see the sign for the local Aldi, and one morning it becomes your only viable wanking material.

[touchingcloth]

[Sebastian Cobb]

can't tell if scary gym or a front for a knocking shop.

[touchingcloth]

It's a Scouse gym which was in the news yesterday with the owner saying they were planning to defy local rules and stay open, and then again today for inevitably being fined. But something about the colour scheme and co-located minicab firm and a hairdresser just called The Hairdressers makes it well des.

[touchingcloth]

0 bids 1 view on your eBay auction of your cherished Beyblades collection you hope to sell towards your treatment.

[Glebe]

A man named Neville crushes beetles for fun at a junction in Wisbech.

[batwings]

Your imaginary wife files for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences.