Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[Glebe]

A Jim Davidson lookalike bus driver gives you an earful.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A Jim Davidson lookalike bus driver gives you an earful.

Well he can fuck off can't he. That's that potential desolation well and truly dealt with

NEXT

[buttgammon]

A Jim Davidson lookalike bus driver gives you an earful.

Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.

[Glebe]

Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.

He meets the Jim Davidson lookalike and the world ends.

[petril]

Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.

your dad who used to look like Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver

[Glebe]

Nick Owen drinks Brasso in a lay-by near Kent.

[dissolute ocelot]

Avon lady unable to work due to covids dies under weight of make-up. Falls over, face stuck to floor, can't move.

[batwings]

A talkative leper gatecrashes your picnic.

[batwings]

Jim Davidson retrains as a bus driver.

Then gets annoyed when a Vic Reeves lookalike driver gets hired and starts turning everyone's head. "I never thought he could drive all that well." Jim proclaims to the mostly empty bus depot cafeteria.

[Glebe]

Actor Brian Cox decapitates you with a claymore behind an Irn Bru factory.

[petril]

you are sentenced to four months in a secure ASDA full of early 90s gear, where the PA system plays a loop of Peter Kay's greatest hits, plus all the spinoff "in the style of Peter Kay" franchise acts, and your only recourse is wandering round amid voices giving it "YES I REMEMBER FUCKING NUTELLA. ITS ON THE SHELF IN FRONT OF ME, DICK'EAD", while others silently mutter every routine in perfect sync. the shutters on the snouts kiosk are painted with a middle finger mural. sometimes the guards announce "smoking time" and remotely raise them to reveal a blank wall with another middle finger mural, in a different colour. it's a mad mad mad mad max in there. you should see the trolleys. the booze aisle is a well stocked fortress, defending against the prospect of new recruits despite the fact that the guards would have restocked it anyway. it's all just water and food colouring anyway. they're good at keeping the place going. break time for a few hours a day, in the car park collecting trolleys at gunpoint. nice time while they repair and restock everything. no PA system either. it's decent. you see some of the new lads break down in the first week or so. happens to us all. got to adjust to reality. it's just a weekly shop. head office are closing them down and the staff don't give a fuck if you eat the stuff on the floor. it's all free samples. just... enjoy it. watch for the stuff that gangs like. Weetos is the big one, always ask for passage before you go down the cereal aisle. show respect. nae bother. nice and casual. don't end up like the guys up the booze aisle... that shite's got nae alcohol, but they're kid-on pished and either kid-on or real angry so just play along for safety and leave them to it. keep an eye out for magazine day, make sure get the ones you like right after car park before somecunt destroys them all again. only problem with this place, everybody's too impulsive and despereate and just lashes out at anything, know?

[dex]

Your 10 year old nephew blasts Darude's Sandstorm on his recorder in your living room and you are powerless to stop him to keep the peace.

[Glebe]

Chris Tarrant causes you to have an existential breakdown.

[Glebe]

A Debenhams sale ends with a few sordid rags left on the hangers and a smell like stale shite in the air.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Snapped this irl deso last night.

[batwings]

A blacked-out Geoff Capes throws a till through a chip shop window.

[Glebe]

A blacked-out Geoff Capes throws a till through a chip shop window.

When he comes around he swears off Polish vodka for life.

[Fishfinger]

In Penzance, a haunted sandwich is slowly pecked apart by an unimpressed gull.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Terry laughs to himself about all that VD he has given to the divorcees of Penzance.

'You can only feel so bad', he concludes.

[Ferris]

The invention of the toilet-egg.

The toilegg.

[Sebastian Cobb]

The invention of the toilet-egg.

The toilegg.

usually scrambled, rarely fertilised

[Glebe]

You endure a dump so severe that you can describe it as "a major life event".

[bgmnts]

You see Graham Linehan going round every Greggs in town handing out leaflets.

[batwings]

When he comes around he swears off Polish vodka for life.

Doesn't last long. A month later Capes puts a bowling ball through a bus shelter.

Your prodigious anal prolapse gets you the job of windsock at Brimpton Airfield.

Nicholas Witchell coughs up a hunk of phlegm while watching a drone unboxing compilation.

A body-dismorphic busker stalks you around a model village, spoiling it.

[Glebe]

A particularly harsh TV critic describes Bruno Tonioli as "a deflated mess of nonsense and frippery."

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Raped in a night ambush by an employee of The Greyhound Trust.

[Glebe]

Your butch uncle naked but for ballet shoes, prancing around the common going, "Ooh, I'm delicate as a fucking pansy!"

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Your insomnia tormentscape of Ian Austin performing Ali G's Me Julie to set the tempo on a slave ship becomes flesh.

[dex]

Boris fuck's off from being PM (due to low salary) and Gove assumes the role.

[Pingers]

Your prodigious anal prolapse gets you the job of windsock at Brimpton Airfield.

I laughed