Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[buttgammon]

Graham is caught having a shit in a corner of the TARDIS. "How are you meant to find the lavs in this place anyway?" he mumbles.

He then goes ballistic at the lack of sex segregation, claiming a time travelling child could have seen a man pull up his dress to reveal a big hairy dick.

[Glebe]

Craig makes some custard and pours it down his jogging bottoms at his maisonette in Dunstable. "Ooh, lovely, I cannot resist this sad fetish!" he tells the life-size poster of Liberace he has on his kitchen wall.

[touchingcloth]

In the spirit of "safety first", Yann puts on a hi-viz jacket before beginning a chainsaw massacre.

[Glebe]

You make yourself a watery, burnt korma for dinner. It tastes rotten, and half an hour later you are shitting yourself on the kitchen lino 'cos you couldn't make it to the sink in time.

[pancreas]

For a Christmas charity, Tracey Emin exhibits an unmade manger.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Sue Johnston dares Ralf Little to suck Ricky Tomlinson's ghastly, fucked nose like a cock, a challenge he accepts with glee.

[Glebe]

A man called Reginald moves to Stockport and is immediately pilloried by the local community, with some calling him, "risible, with a slight hint of disaster."

[Glebe]

Boris Johnson appeals to the nation's children to "go hungry for Britain!" this winter.

[derek stitt]

Like the rodent whose teeth constantly grow, your penis needs a constant diet of fucking bags of gravel  to keep you in your job as lollipop man.

[batwings]

A human bidet fears he may be in over his head when his new client turns out to be a mid-binge Rod Liddle.

[Glebe]

Adrian Chiles pretends he is presenting ITV Sport over a pint in a pub corner.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Ryan from The OC is treated for gout.

[Cuellar]

A photo of a bombed toddler gets the meme treatment

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

On a listless Boxing Day afternoon the Uncle snaps up with a game to rouse everyone from their post-lunch dolour.

'I know! Let's take it in turns to say the things we hate about ourselves the most!'

[petril]

Adrian Chiles pretends he is presenting ITV Sport over a pint in a pub corner.

Paul Beigeman laughs and pretends it's the whole hacky sketch where he hands over to Gabriel Clarke at the bar and there's commentary and a half arsed action replay. Howling

[Cuellar]

Soccer AM

[dissolute ocelot]

The new 25 Years of Hollyoaks special exclusive reveals that they're been broadcasting the same 8 episodes continuously over and over since 1973, and you never noticed.

[Glebe]

A Mr. Adrian Runcey of Stockport spends three weeks unblocking his toilet with a teaspoon.

[batwings]

The Christmas dread begins to ramp up for Eamonn Holme's tape worm.

After his wife's funeral, a retired barge mechanic is free to put all his energies into his Chris Serle shrine.

[Glebe]

You binge watch old clips of That's Life! on YouTube during a bout of whooping cough.

[petril]

You binge watch old clips of That's Life! on YouTube during a bout of whooping cough.

you move on to write fanfiction about carbon monoxide leaks

[batwings]

Unexplained ginger pubes in his underpants sends Simon the hermit into a paranoid tail spin.

[Glebe]

He's scratching at your window again.

"Fray Bentos... Fray Bentos..."

[Cuntbeaks]

Mick Philpott's freshly shaven ballbag descends into your mouth.

Mick Philpott dresses up as a Sexy Fireman for the first Halloween after his release from prison.

Mick Philpott convinces himself that, "he didn't do it".

[derek stitt]

Scat porn Jigsaw puzzles are on top of every kiddies Christmas wish list this year.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Sir Keir Starmer bolsters his anti-establishment credentials by boasting he once had 'front row seats' for Rage Against The Machine.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Sir Mick Philpott drives a dagger through the heart of the intolerant left.

[dex]

Sir Keir Starmer bolsters his anti-establishment credentials by boasting he once had 'front row seats' for Rage Against The Machine.

Ha! Kudos on that one Shoulders. I'm sure back in the 90's Jack Straw was quoted as saying he was into RATM.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Upon hearing the playground taunt "bummers are deaf", David jams a pencil into each ear and begs, screaming, for the gay to take him.

[batwings]

On a packed train, a teacher with cum in his beard pesters you for a game of scrabble travel.