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Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, June 02, 2020, 09:29:27 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Twit 2

A sobbing rector crucifies his tortoise on a hire boat.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Shoulders?-Stomach!

A Tiverton grief Councillor sentimentally weeps at the decommissioning of a chain ferry before going online to be a racist.

pancreas

Your father gets the projector out so he can show the extended family his twitter feed.

Ferris

You seriously injure your right elbow opening a jam jar.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

The last two human beings left alive are kept mentally alert by the fluctuating prospect of being raped by the other one.

Ferris

The tear in your ulnar nerve is confirmed. You are too ashamed to tell the osteopath how it happened.

Cuntbeaks

A timid archaeology student with a hair lip is accused of being a witch in an Asda in Galashiels.

Jim Bowen can't work out how to use an ice cube bag.

23:30, July 4th 2020, every A&E department in England.

tao of wub

Somebody has now taken your bendy bully away from you.


Shoulders?-Stomach!

BBC article 'What is the best pupper'

petril

a heavy weed smoker copes with a two day break in supply and the whole flat is spotless, gleaming and full of household cleaning fumes. windows cracked even though it's baltic, windy and wet outside. eyes watering in pain, nose tingling from irritation, he sits down and ponders what to do for the next 31 hours

pancreas

Chris Leslie cracks open the last of this season's reduced Galaxy easter eggs in his WWE themed man-cave and there's chocolate all over his face and the flies know that lunch is served.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Pubon's museum of mucus is interred due to black mould issues.

pancreas

As you bleed out from a self-inflicted rectal injury, you find palliative solace in a plate of mashed egg whites.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You watch Mission Impossible 3, 4 and 5 in the same night that you call 'Mission Impossible Night'

Shoulders?-Stomach!

A man erotically smothered in Pea Wet demands Gavin to 'go on, make me fart like a fucking Labrador'

Mr Eggs

An autistic man runs himself to death around an Ikea warehouse thinking it was a Tardis.

He knew it wasn't really a Tardis, but he had a fucking stalk-on all the way round.

dissolute ocelot

A twenty-something alpaca enthusiast dies 1500 feet above sea level.

Cuellar

The man who sits opposite you in the office, before THIS all happened, sends you a link to his new album on bandcamp. He's keen to know what you think of it

Each song contains at least one reference to 'that fucking ugly cunt' from work that he 'has to look at day after day after day'

He's keen to know what you think of it, the album.

dissolute ocelot

^You paid $11 for the download, and the t-shirt is still in the post.

jenna appleseed

^ the cover art reprod at massive size on the tshirt is a blurry/pixelated mess somehow still recognisable as a up your nose/chin view webstream freeze frame taken from a secret Matebook keyboard spy camera.

You'd wondered why it would randomly pop up when you hadn't touched it.

eta: image replaced with life deso/euphoria

video not mine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKY3hvYKPpA

the midnight watch baboon

A joke about the kids down at the dyspraxia society falling over themselves to help each other does quite well in the queue outside Domino's Yarm.

Sebastian Cobb

Enjoyed this bit of self-depricating deso on twitter.






Sebastian Cobb

And this



Presumably they know it's gay 'cos the women boxes have antlers or eyelashes and a fanny or something.

pancreas

Jim is wracked with such a plethora of digestive ailments that he can forge Monet's Water Lilies using just a brush and the contents of his colostomy bag.

dissolute ocelot

Clive has Class II colitis but hasn't been able to find a public toilet open since COVID-19 started. He's now classed as the biggest public health emergency west of Swindon.

Bence Fekete

You wake up handcuffed to your screaming flatmate's bloody cock.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Your best mate in the entire world is a local character everyone calls 'Turds', best mate in the entire world.

Fishfinger

Bilston. The long-awaited post-lockdown egg'n'spoon race consists of an egg and a spoon. They just sit there.

Good to get back to normal.