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"At Christmas I no more desire a rose Than wish a snow in May's new-fangled mirth; But like of each thing that in season grows."


Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, June 02, 2020, 09:29:27 PM

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Shoulders?-Stomach!

Reminiscing about your glory days as a council leaf blower amidst a beetle colony in Dedham Vale.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


Shoulders?-Stomach!

You dance teacher says your hips are belsen

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Quote from: touchingcloth on August 27, 2021, 02:08:18 PM
During the ultrasound, your unborn child - it's the size of a grapefruit - calls you a horrific Boglin and asks for an abortion.

During your next ultrasound, your unborn twins - cantaloupe-sized - are furiously belting each other up the arse.

We laughed loudly

Glebe

Gal Gadot rams a badger twixt two hedgerows.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You are convinced that you are a bad chef because 'the ingredients all hate me'.

Glebe

Hale & Pace return with a series, theme tune by Coldplay.

dex

Quote from: Glebe on September 07, 2021, 10:32:16 PM
Hale & Pace return with a series, theme tune by Coldplay.

Ouch! Sad piano. Peak deso.


touchingcloth

Your card in the phone booth advertises "all the trimmings" with your handjobs.


Twit 2

You live in a phone box to prevent your kids growing up wrong.

Cuellar

While jacking off you make your family some scrambled eggs

Twit 2

Your separated-at-birth, conjoined twin makes sex faces at you through a vent.

Twit 2

A paedophile in a Bisto t-shirt turns your children into granules.

touchingcloth

The scrambled eggs you serve your young family are actually jizz curds. Again.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You are such a hideous child yet mutantly desirous of cock. You have to pay paedophiles to go anywhere near you. 11 no-shows and the next 4 turn around and leave on arrival.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Boddarth of Glossop has the infamous 'wankers cramp' despite being a limbless birth defect.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

You believe 'wankers crap' is a thing and say to your friends in the café that 'it's like that crap you do when you're wanking' to disbelief and long stares.

batwings

Your wife organises a seance to contact whatever it was she once saw in you.

New opportunities arise at work. A lie comes back to bite you. You end the week shagging a vagina made from a hollowed out tin of corned beef.
- Capricorn

touchingcloth

You receive a court order after "barraging" Jamie Oliver with emails claiming to have cooked all of his 30 minute meals in 29 minutes.

Spoon of Ploff

you sort through shoeboxes full of your old audio cassettes and realize the only things worth salvaging are four Chick Tracts you find stuck between an old Friday Night Rock Show recording and a NWOBHM mixtape.


the midnight watch baboon

Molly's humanity is "horribly effective" like "radiotherapy" or "John Terry" according to her tarot.

Twit 2

You find that your dad was a heavy metal porn star in "Enter Cuntman".

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Your attempt to seize control of a Trossach ends in a phone box puddle in Basingstoke.

Custard

Bobby Davro leaves the GMTV studios drunker than when he arrived

It's 8.07

Shoulders?-Stomach!


pancreas

You make a loss selling bottles of your fermented spunk at CumCon.


Ferris

A tree falls on Alain de Botton in the woods, but you wisely elect not to hear it.

touchingcloth

The most responded-to piece in the Daily Mail this year is your letter about how "you can't say 'Chinese whispers' any more in case it offends Bob Harris".