My new neighbour, "Bog"

[Buelligan]

This is a prime image.

...albeit two-dimensional.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

I've just re-read the first post and now realise that the dispute with Bog was the main point, not the cupboard doors. My mistake but in my defence I didn't sleep well last night.

[Kryton]

Have you considered posting shit through his letterbox?

[ollyboro]

Twist:

The dogs did it.

We can write a better twist than that.

Rizla's secret identical twin, who he was separated from at birth did it. His mother sent him away to protect them both from his real dad, who had turned to evil. Now whilst Rizla nest builds, his secret twin (who knows about Rizla, but who Rizla doesn't know about) spends his time fighting for intergalactic justice and creating waste based mayhem in his spare time. That covers most the known facts.

[darby o chill]

Bog has rumbled you. Bog was watching. It's time you apologized to Bog.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

The OP would work perfectly well as CaB's entry to " Talking Heads" ( Bennett, not Byrne). Maybe someone like Bob Mortimer or Lee Mack, trying their hand at serious acting, could deliver the monologue.

[Fr.Bigley]

Pretty obvious he just fancies you. Give him a tug, call it a draw.

[Shaky]

the hot irish scientist missus

I want to know more about this aspect, to be honest. Any vids of her doing solo bunsen burner stuff?

[PlanktonSideburns]

'This is a nice, quiet place'

I've come to be very weary of people who say this

[darby o chill]

Easiest way to find the culprit is setup an identity parade. Yourself and all the neighbours try on the clothes out by the bins. The sole witness (Bog) will pinpoint our man.

[Pijlstaart]

For myself, Bog is a noun, an adjective and a verb, so he's made a good first impression and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. It is clear he cares deeply for his community but, like the boar god okkoto, has been consumed by hatred: you must fight for him now or lose him forever.

Find the flytippers. Not sure your kids have a good alibi, where've they been this whole time? Just think, not many people have boulders to flytip, so it could be them, yes?

[Kryton]

Just set fire to the trash, a big fuck off fire. The when it's all burned out, have a shit in the remnants, scoop up the horrific mess with your bare hands and smear it all over Bog's door.

[Butchers Blind]

Careful, don't want to get bogged down in a long running dispute that has a unfortunate end.

[darby o chill]

Not sure your kids have a good alibi, where've they been this whole time? Just think, not many people have boulders to flytip, so it could be them, yes?

I've seen this exact theory posted on some of the truth-seeker forums. Also wondering where the Irish wife fits in? Suspicious that she would stay quiet the whole time... almost if she knew something.

[Cuntbeaks]

May as well start looking for a new house. Your time there will be filled with misery and could well end in violence.

[darby o chill]

Been doing some research on this Rizla chap. Thought I'd share my findings here.

I once spent the night in jail

So, a criminal.

For the record, I like gin. I am what you'd call a gin fan.

Alcoholic criminal.

And what is this?? Seems our man has some type of disgusting bin fetish.

[Marner and Me]

Fly tip again, and I'll let the next street over know what you are too, ya shit.

[GMTV]

This is presumably unremarkable behaviour for this individual. These kind of activities are probably highly typical for him, such that what he's done is utterly basic and almost boring considering the precedent he has set.

[sovietrussia]

I recommend giving him a tune-up with a beavertail sap in front of the whole front street in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, your missus yelling deranged encouragement from the bonnet of your 1968 Triumph Spitfire.

[Kryton]

There's also the option of freezing a rather tapered turd and using it as some kind of impromptu weapon.  Should the need arise.

[Icehaven]

You don't need save up for a deposit to have shitty neighbours silly.

One of the many (and increasing) reasons why I've never been arsed about buying a home. At least renting when you want to move you only have to wait a month and there's relatively little admin shit compared with if you own. I have huge, HUGE issues with having to live within 15000 meters of any other cunt so being able to move fast is a priority for me. I hope Bog is like me and moves.

[Hand Solo]

There's also the option of freezing a rather tapered turd and using it as some kind of impromptu weapon dildo.  Should the need arise.

[Blinder Data]

May as well start looking for a new house. Your time there will be filled with misery and could well end in violence.

I am not as pessimistic as C***beaks, but I worry that you only have one chance to make a good first impression on your neighbours, Rizla. If you plan on living there for a long time, and it sounds like you do, I recommend deescalating the situation ASAP. I can understand why you got aggro, especially as your neighbours' behaviour was out of order, but it will only make you and your family's lives more difficult if there is tension in your neighbourhood and you're living under the constant threat of Bog and his mad friend's post-it notes and sputum.

I don't know the best way to deescalate TBH - perhaps having a polite conversation with them the next time you see them: "I didn't mean to be rude, but I was angry to be accused of something I didn't do, I also want to make this area a nice place to live, let bygones be bygones, etc."

That's all easier said than done, of course. I just know from my own experience of living above a couple of brothers with mental health/social issues that it made being at home miserable at times. Personally I reckon you're best off trying to make peace with them, within reason. If that doesn't work and the situation becomes untenable, fight to get them evicted.

Your kitchen sounds lovely BTW

[Consignia]

Your kitchen sounds lovely BTW

Yeah, sod the neighbourhood quarrels, let's see some kitchen porn.

[Icehaven]

He's probably mates with whoever lives over/next door to you and they've been annoyed by your DIY noise but didn't want to say anything, so they've gone to their weird Boggo to indirectly sort it out and he's made a fuck out of it, as rentagobshites normally do. Just ignore and he'll have nothing to work with and move on.

[Sin Agog]

I suggest employing your wife in the mother forcefully telling the other kids to be nice to her bambino role.  Knock on each of their doors and stand there meekly in the background as Mrs Rizla tells each of your neighbours what a good, good man you are and how they must play nicely with her husband.

[Kelvin]

At what point in this whole endeavour did he tell you he was gay?

"Could you move your boulder, please? I'm gay."

[Rizla]

At what point in this whole endeavour did he tell you he was gay?

Bloke in early 50s, lives alone and has 2 small yappy dogs, I'm assuming he's gay as a boat.

[GMTV]

I feel like you should codify his behaviour in a formally written document. Define the context, specifics of his behaviour and the criteria for complaint. Not sure what you'd call that particular document though.

[Zetetic]

"Could you move your boulder, please? I'm gay."

"Just look at t'muck out here."?