Tony Bastard's beauty range.

[Kryton]

Hot soap with lavender (packaging only - just soap) - £18.00 a bar
Cold soap (soap) - £10 or 2 for £30
'Ylang-Ylang and Aloe Vera' coloured bath oil (coloured Oil) - Can knock up a litre or 2 with 48 hours notice. £8.00 a litre.
Bath bombs (Potassium and Honey) - £20 £25 per 'bomb' (and it depends on the bees).

Back Balm and massage gel (Not to be exposed to flesh) - £14.00 for a shitty little bottle.
Hair product £10 or 2 for £30.
Hair dye (coal, blackberry juice, luxury brown, bleach etc) - £5.00 per tester kit, £50 the lot (needs shifting).
Arse Wax - £3 a blob.


Tony Bastard is not responsible for any chemical burns that you may endure and you can fuck off if you want a refund[nb]Seriously, don't fucking start.[/nb].

[Kryton]

Tony Bastard's light Luncheon spar break with champagne, Yogo and steam rooms.

No parking. No champagne.
Sign disclaimer.
Butties, cress, chopped tomato, Cup of tea in a flask, coffee, tap water, weak squash, (whatever) - An hour in the gym with Mad 'Gabba' Mike. Then some biscuits.
A cold dip in the pond.
A hot shower with Mad 'Gabba' Mike on standby (sometimes the pipes get either really hot or just really cold, but they're usually alright, sometimes he might just have to twat them with a hammer).
Luxury butter hour (eat it or scrub it on you, we don't mind). That's on you, not us.


Yogo with chief Yogo master Yogo Mike - Two hours of stretching and rigorous chanting and dancing around a massive bronze bell.
Steam room special. The Age of Aquarius. A two hour hot and steamy session with Steamy Bob.
Frontal Massage.
Back, neck and seck. Wax.
Dinner break. Why not try our array of butties, cress and chopped tomatoes? A cup of tea perhaps? Coffee? It's basically whatever's left over from before.
Back to it.
A cold dip in a pond followed by a chekky (naked) 'run through the woods'. Put your modesty at bay, just try and avoid the nettles and the old barbed wire fence and avoid the bull in the middle field).
Chakra realignment with Tony Bastard. Is your throat chakra giving you gyp? You're Qigong gone all wrong? Maybe you're aura is a bit musty? Check in with Big Tony and his apostles for an alignment change.



Cup of tea and a brisk march around the outside of the building. An old man with a beard will be shouting something but it'll be out of earshot and won't really matter.
A natter with the others.
Taxi. I want you all out by about 2pm.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Tyson's Musk - Aftershave £7 per jar.

[Kryton]

Clay mask / Cement mask - Will empty your pores and maybe take a layer or two off your leathery skin as you perform high functionary breathing exercises as you struggle out of the cold, dark water into a confused spotlight.
(Good for skin, breathing exercises, panic response and high intensity relaACTION based relaxation). Probably not safe for elderly people or people who can't hold their breath for longer than a minute.

Elastic rope swing over the canal and then build a 'croddie' out of bits of car bumpers and smashed up wooden pallets. Cup of tea and a STEAM off. With Big STEAM OFF STE (one at a time please).

Herbal relaxation tea (PG Tips) and a nice sit down for a few hours. Can wear dressing gowns and have some sliced cabbage rubbed on your face by an old man in tight black swimming trunks and a tan that resembles a chesterfield sofa.

Incense hour. An intense incense session in which you're tied up in a one man tent with numerous burning incense sticks. Use all your knowledge and physical training to try and get out of the situation, whilst several strangers attempt to club you with bits of wood.

GONG Hour.

Hypnosis with Auntie Madge and her mad Mum.

[Kryton]

LUXURY HAIR IMPLANT (Isn't carpet). FOR THE LAD.

Stag do. Beer and tattoo. £80 per lad. Tony BASTARD will sort you out, with an array of disconcerting styles


Sid Vicious / Scooter
Standard £30-40 ish.

The Young Bernard Manning

A full £60 plus taper rates.


Keep people away from your bags with the rear-Head.
Nobody can creep up on you.


BEARD Implants - £10 per 'patch'. Full viking + pubis = £250 (safett money)
Hair implant depends on the doo. Johnson £10, Lads about town £10, Bookies Bill £10 -anything else £40
Mullet rates apply on a sliding scale. Sterile needle and cheese burger lunch. And coke.

[Kryton]

EU LAW says humans can only handle 9G's at best.

TONY BASTARD says fuck that.



Have a go on his Spirlaohrapghg and see what's what! He uses chip shop waste oil as fuel.

[Bence Fekete]

Oi oi slags. Tony Bastard cosmetic baby belly bling - NOW - seriously affordable baby belly bling for proper belly baby blinger bastards.

Yours.

Birth your own belly bastard this summer!

Watch lassie go w.i.L.d. for belly bastard baby bling and reeeeeal man's belly baby blinger bastard.

For barbies, for the footie, who cares?? 👶 = Birth now and behold the miracle of sweaty hairy belly bastard man birth.

Got it? Get it! NOW.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Standing sensory deprivation chamber £8p/h. mind out for the live wiring, it used to be for the immersion heater.

[Kryton]

Standing sensory deprivation chamber £8p/h. mind out for the live wiring, it used to be for the immersion heater.

Just bang loudly when you need to get out (but not too loud as Tyson gets really angry and confused).