House (/first world) problems - bring me back to earth/do your worst

[Brian Freeze]

(besides, I'm pretty confident they've not caused any damage, and we've started to see the chicks make their way awkwardly down to the bird feeders in the last couple of days)

Have you considered that the relentless and mighty downward pressure from all their flapping actually pushing your house down into the ground is the cause of your problem rather than it being common or garden subsidence. Worth considering isnt it? Itll probably bounce back up once they've left.

[Shit Good Nose]

Good point.  Better take up a hosepipe connected to the car exhaust and gas the cunts.

[touchingcloth]

Shit through your letterbox.

[Shit Good Nose]

I thought it was piss through the letterbox?

Has the bar been lowered that much we're now shitting through letterboxes?  Some of us will need a stepping stool for this you know.

Although it's ideal for anyone with a high anus.

[touchingcloth]

Look, I'm just saying there's not a valuer or potential buyer in the world who would pay a moment's notice to the state of your floorboards if the first thing they saw when opening the door was one of them topped with one of your dirts.

[Shit Good Nose]

A moderately whelming period end-of-terrace cottage situated in the popular village of Midsomer Norton, where all the middle class murders happen and Bergerac comes over from Jersey to investigate.

Features:
2 large bedrooms (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls)
Large lounge (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls, areas of collapsing floorboards)
Large dining room (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls)
Kitchen (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls, major mould in one corner)
Large bathroom (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls, birds nesting in roof void)

Also porches to the front and back.  Voluminous piles of the owner/occupiers' dirts (PLEASE NOTE - some of the dirts are from a 10 year old child and are particularly poisonous) are a main feature of these convenient areas.

A substantial garden to the rear of the property, and to the front a garden area and adjoining car port and garage which the owners actually use to store their cars in.

Another unique feature of the whole property is subsidence.




What am I bid?

[olliebean]

I'll give you a fiver for it.

[Shit Good Nose]

£4

[Pingers]

Is ya hoose fawnty bets?

[Twonty Gostelow]

Repeatedly playing that Phil Collins drum fill at full volume can't have helped.

[olliebean]

£4

Fuck off. I said a fiver. Are you trying to pull a fast one?

[Pingers]

I'm looking for a generous double frontage with a tidy entrance, and on the third or fourth viewing I expect to be permitted up the back stairs. Double reception also an advantage.

[Shit Good Nose]

Is ya hoose fawnty bets?

Yes.  No?  Whatever the correct answer is.

Repeatedly playing that Phil Collins drum fill at full volume can't have helped.

I paid the man himself to do a residency as well.  That's why he looks so old and frail now - I've kept him locked up in the understairs cupboard and I've just been feeding him room temperature water and tins of tuna (in brine).

Fuck off. I said a fiver. Are you trying to pull a fast one?

I find the mere suggestion offensive.     

.................£3.50...........

I'm looking for a generous double frontage with a tidy entrance, and on the third or fourth viewing I expect to be permitted up the back stairs. Double reception also an advantage.

My moobs are now good handfuls, I've recently strimmed the front bush and balls (down to the barse), and a large tub of Vaseline is ready to crack open to celebrate the re-opening of my anus the pubs.

[canadagoose]

A moderately whelming period end-of-terrace cottage situated in the popular village of Midsomer Norton, where all the middle class murders happen and Bergerac comes over from Jersey to investigate.

Features:
2 large bedrooms (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls)
Large lounge (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls, areas of collapsing floorboards)
Large dining room (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls)
Kitchen (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls, major mould in one corner)
Large bathroom (human eggs everywhere, cracks in the walls, birds nesting in roof void)

Also porches to the front and back.  Voluminous piles of the owner/occupiers' dirts (PLEASE NOTE - some of the dirts are from a 10 year old child and are particularly poisonous) are a main feature of these convenient areas.

A substantial garden to the rear of the property, and to the front a garden area and adjoining car port and garage which the owners actually use to store their cars in.

Another unique feature of the whole property is subsidence.




What am I bid?

What the hell was the story here?! I often wonder why people live like that.

[Shit Good Nose]

What the hell was the story here?! I often wonder why people live like that.

I'm starting up a holiday home business now that lockdown has been lifted and my anus pubs are open.

[canadagoose]

I'm starting up a holiday home business now that lockdown has been lifted and my anus pubs are open.

Aaah, I thought it was a real story. Sorry.

Edit: I hadn't even realised you were the OP too. I'm truly dipshitted (dipegged) today

[olliebean]

I find the mere suggestion offensive.     

.................£3.50...........

Playing hardball, eh? Ok then, if it's like that, £6.72.

[Shit Good Nose]

Sold.

When and how do you want the money?

[olliebean]

7th April next year will do. Just leave it in the usual plaice behind the bins.

[Shit Good Nose]

usual plaice behind the bins.

You realise the stink around that by April next year.  Make my dirts smell like flowers in comparison.  Also the risk of feral cats getting to it before you do.  You're taking a BIG risk...



Structural engineer/surveyor came out this morning.  Definitely NOT subsidence after all.  He gave a technical name for the problem, which I can't remember now, but basically the end external wall is falling away from the rest of the house.  Apparently it's quite a common problem with solid stone buildings of that period.

So it's a good news/bad news situation a few times over:
Good news - not subsidence
Bad news - not covered by insurance (as it's due to the age of the property)
Good news - the fix is a permanent one
Bad news - it's going to cost three or four times what we would've paid out on the excess for a subsidence claim (so that'll be my savings wiped out in one go)
Good news - it won't affect the insurance premiums at all and will not be a shadow hanging over the house on future surveys


The other positive is that Mrs Nose is now coming around to my way of thinking with regard to moving.  Obviously this problem needs to be sorted first, which will likely take a few months in total, and we've now got the issue of the internal cracks (which, with it not being as a result of subsidence, are now just cosmetic) to sort out, and the whole house could do with a lick of paint as well.  Also based on my (admittedly very basic) calculations, I'm not sure if we'll be able to borrow enough extra to move a significant step up the ladder.  So I've got all that to chew over in my brain.

As for the mould in the kitchen, taking a back seat on that for the time being.


Fucking houses.

[gib]

What's the fix? Is it those big metal bolts through your house with a thingy on each end?

[Shit Good Nose]

No idea, but it's all done from outside.  The minute he said "not covered by insurance and it's not a cheap job" I kinda zoned out in a state of dejected stress.

I'll be getting the report through in a few days which will explain what needs doing and also suggest a few places that will do it.

[Zetetic]

not covered by insurance (as it's due to the age of the property)

This seems like an insane proposition but I don't doubt it's true. Up there with "yeah, the loan is secured against the house but we'll take everything else as well".

Did you ignore S?S! and keep the tealights?

[Shit Good Nose]

Did you ignore S?S! and keep the tealights?

Yes.  But then that's Mrs Nose's domain and she would NOT be a happy bunny if I turfed out her candles.  I'd never hear the end of it.