Mentally replacing things with rude words compulsively

[madhair60]

Cackling always conjures a serving of crispy russet shit, with apple sauce.  That sort of thing.

Glad I'm a vegetarian really.

Oh, you're vegetarian?

[gib]

Every Friday driving back from the chip shop with Radio 4 on: "It's the fucking ar-Archers. It's the fucking Archers. It's the fucking ar-Archers, on the radio. It's the Archers, it's the Archers, on the radio. It's the fucking ar-Archers on the radio. Then I turn the radio off.

Eastenders - What a load of fucking shit

The Archers - What a load of fucking shit

I never really got much further.

[Gurke and Hare]

Definitely needs another fucking in the first line to scan.

I think the original had "I said" at the start.

[Paul Calf]

Whenever I'm reading a book, I substitue the work 'gaze' with 'gays'. Try it. It's a hoot.

"He shifted his gays to the window"

"His gays fell upon me"

"I felt his gays boring into the back of my head"

[badaids]

Viz once printed a letter where someone claimed that they'd made up words to the Match of the Day theme, and now it was stuck in their head:

'Fuck off you fucking bastards,
Fuck off you fucking cunts' (repeat)

That is now stuck in my head, too.

Equally there was a letter with the words that some bloke used to sing to his wife for the antiques roadshow theme:

My knob
My knob
My knob
My knob
My knob
My knob
My knob
My knob
Oh won't you please suck my knob
Won't you please suck my knob
My knob
My knob
My kno-o-o-o-o-o-b.

Something like that.

[Twonty Gostelow]

I think the original had "I said" at the start.

Or 'O Christ' to make it more of a hymn.

[idunnosomename]

Definitely needs another fucking in the first line to scan.

i think that first fucking you're thinking of is the end of previous measure

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Fucking fuck off you fucking bastards
Fuck off you fucking cunts

Somebody tweet Lineker.

[petril]

*pause* clap clap clap *pause* clap *pause *clap* *pause* clap clap clap *pause* clap *pause *clap*
Ian Botham is a fucking cunt,
Bill Beaumont is a fucking cunt too,
Dave Coleman is a fucking cunt,
Willie Carson is a fucking cunt as well

to A Question of Sport

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

^ Excellent work. Now we just need one for Formula One and the cricket.

Edit: Formula One:

Cunts, we are cunts and we're driving around
Cunts, we are cunts and we're driving around

[The Culture Bunker]

To go back to the original Coco Pops theme of the original post, I remember the way we sang it as Junior school was:

"My name's Coco, I'm a monkey like you
I live on drugs and superglue.
I keep my cocos in a cardboard box
But I'd rather have it off with Samantha Fox
Oh yeah!"

I've not seen an advert for said cereal in about 15 years, but I think if I ever did and they still use the same jingle, that's still how it would go in my head.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I admire the coyness of " have it off" in that little ditty.

[The Culture Bunker]

I admire the coyness of " have it off" in that little ditty.

It was the 80s, a more innocent time.

[non capisco]

Mastermind: "I hope you lose........wanker!"

[Black Ship]

To the tune of "That's Amore" by Dean Martin:

"When the spunk starts to fly,
And hits you in the eye
That's Bukkake"

[petril]

while not swearing, The Sweeney and Gruey are great for singing each other's obvious lyrics to. And you can sing The Tweenies too, because Milo's purple bonce and stubble kicking your front door in and demanding you put some trousers on because you're nicked is the arrest we all need

[Bently Sheds]

In my head Walking in a Winter Wonderland contains this passage

In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say "are you married"
We'll say "No, man.
Fuck right off, you nosey fucking cunt"

Makes Christmas fly by, I can tell you.

[jobotic]

Another non-rude one. Every Christmas a amuse myself by singing

I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas Day IT WAS BORING

[non capisco]

To the tune of "That's Amore" by Dean Martin:

"When the spunk starts to fly,
And hits you in the eye
That's Bukkake"

When your nose is afizz
With twelve servings of jizz
That's...bukkake

Bell ends fling
Sting-a-ling-a-ling etc.

[Ray Travez]

Oh, you're vegetarian?

do the hitler thing, go on! ;)

[Ray Travez]

jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell fuck
jingle bell shit and jingle bell piss
everyone jingle shit jingle and bollocks
that's the jingle bell fuck

Then I was asked to leave the supermarket.

Blimey, that's almost exactly the same as my version. Made me laugh out loud in the supermarket the first time (wasn't singing it out loud obviously.) I find it particularly satisfying that the first and second lines don't rhyme (in both our versions), nicely accentuates the vulgarity.

[Ray Travez]

The 'This Is Your Life' tune lends itself quite nicely to stuff. A good generic one is "OHHHH FUCKING HELLLLLLLLL"

[jobotic]

Look at my arse
Look how it shines for you
And know I've done a poo
And it was all yellow

[Cerys]

The whole universe was in a hot wet cunt....

And a round of applause, please, for

Anyone can suck my cock
Anyone but you,
You're ugly, you're stupid
Anyone can suck my cock
Anyone but you
You stupid disgusting slaaaaaaaaag

[Paul Calf]

Another non-rude one. Every Christmas a amuse myself by singing

I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas Day IT WAS BORING

Oh, come let us ignore him
Oh, come let us ignore him
OH COME LET US IGNORE HIIII-IM
Christ, I'm bored.

[Johnny Yesno]

To the tune of "That's Amore" by Dean Martin:

"When the spunk starts to fly,
And hits you in the eye
That's Bukkake"

Similarly, the Eileen Barton hit:

If I knew you were cummin' I'd've shut my eyes,
Shut my eyes, shut my eyes.
If I knew you were cummin' I'd've shut my eyes.
Now they're glued, now they're glued, now they're glued.

[Jumblegraws]

When they play the theme to lead into the top of the hour on Radio Scotland, I always bellow "FUCK YOU" or "YOUR MUM" in time with the last two notes.

[Jockice]

Same here. So much puerile rubbish going through my head all the time to instrumental theme tunes since as far back as I can remember. I sometimes forget the Eastenders music doesn't actually go "We're a load of cockney cunts. Cahm and 'ave a go, cause we're facking cockneys." I misremember that as a single version Anita Dobson released in the mid 80s.

It's actually 'Anyone can fall in love. Knowworrimean. Gor blimey guv. Nor.'

Although admittedly your version is much funnier.

[Jockice]

If I'm putting lyrics into theme tunes etc it's usually an insult aimed at myself. I have quite a few rhyming words which fit in with my particular unusual characteristics. I'm sure my fans can guess some of them. It's a very bad habit but it's one of the few things that comes automatically to me.

I'll give you one of them (and only one.) The Channel Four News theme tune is: "Ginger hair, going nowhere, stop and stare. Da da da da."

Wonder if I have an inferiority complex or something.

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I've been experimenting with these words to go along with the " Coronation Street" theme

Weeee're... such a bunch of cunts
Yes, We're a bunch of cunts
We're a right bunch of cunts
And We're Northern
( which makes it worse)

Some early Morrissey influence, here.