Loneliness, dating and being happy by yourself

[chveik]

Why would they be a "dull shiftless cunt"?

no idea. there's a chance they would be a great bunch of lads

[Puce Moment]

Because it's a thread on this subject.

Was that what Baz meant about certain posters policing threads? Very odd to make a snidey comment about you for being entirely on topic.

[phes]

My best friend is engaged to his future husband after meeting him on tinder three years ago but they are very much the exception rather than the rule.

As 'met on dating apps/social media' has exploded as a response to 'how we met' I reckon this is likely to be little more an exception than those who answered 'met irl'. All you're seeing here is the dating equivalent of Sky TV coming along in the eighties and options going mega. A truckload more shite that brings with it a many more opportunities for disappointment and time-wasting, but also fresh angles and opportunities that do result in a lot of relationships. I don't think it's a waste of time, I think you just have to recalibrate how you respond to dead ends, rejection, failure etc. Remember that almost all relationships fail to endure, however they started.

Also echo what many have said. It is not at all unusual to be somewhat unfulfilled about sex or romance this early in life. And a whopping percentage of those in relationships will be unfulfilled too. People will tell you about the value of loving yourself and learning to be single and happy but usually they have arrived at this point by choice. It hard to arrive at that point when you feel you've not had the experience to make a choice yourself

Keep your friend and family relationships in order where possible. Maybe try to find a way to approach internet dating more positively and it could pay off?

[Buelligan]

Was that what Baz meant about certain posters policing threads? Very odd to make a snidey comment about you for being entirely on topic.

Phhp.  Dunno.  I think some people find the idea of another person being happy dreadfully vexing.  I'm afraid, it just can't be helped.  Life can be appallingly sad and still, some of us manage to find a tiny corner of contentment to take pleasure in.  What you gonna do?

Why would they be a "dull shiftless cunt"?

I was hazarding an educated guess.  They could simply be a shiftless cunt or a dull one, I suppose.

[bgmnts]

Why would they be a cunt at all?

[Buelligan]

You need to meet more people.  Have you considered a dating app at all?

[bgmnts]

I've met more than enough people to know I don't really fit in, but that doesn't mean everyone on here is like that.

Most people are surely fine for most people.

[Buelligan]

What I actually meant was, on a long enough exposure, most people reveal their inner cuntitude.  In small doses, lovely stuff.  Small doses, maybe, extremely infrequently.

IMO, the reason "most people" put up with it is because they're trained to do it from birth.  They think it's normal.  It's not normal for me, it's appalling.

[bgmnts]

Well I think the key is to find people whose inner cuntitudes match with yours and you can rely on each other over a long time.

[Buelligan]

For what?  To back you up in an alley fight or help you lift an engine?  Possibly, if they're listening when and if you require that.  But ask yourself, is it worth sacrificing your entire life for?

[bgmnts]

Just the general love and affection, someone to listen to you. I don't know, I never saw it as a sacrifice, more like a privilege and joy.

[daf]

Well, I would say this - I've been living here for 49 years, and in 1985 no one went out with me . . .

In 1986, no one went out with me.
In 1987, no one went out with me.
In 1988, no one went out with me.
In 1989, no one went out with me.
In 1990, no one went out with me.
In 1991... some one went out with me.
In 1992, no one went out with me.
In 1993, no one went out with me.
In 1994, no one went out with me.
In 1995, no one went out with me.
In 1996, no one went out with me.
In 1997, no one went out with me.
In 1998, no one went out with me.
In 1999, no one went out with me.
In 2000, no one went out with me.
In 2001, no one went out with me.
In 2002, there was the incident with the pigeon.
In 2003, no one went out with me. 
In 2004, no one went out with me.
In 2005, no one went out with me.
In 2006, no one went out with me.
In 2007, no one went out with me.
In 2008, no one went out with me.
In 2009, no one went out with me.
In 2010, no one went out with me.
In 2011, no one went out with me. 
In 2012, no one went out with me. 
In 2013, no one went out with me.
In 2014, no one went out with me.
In 2015, no one went out with me.
In 2016, no one went out with me.
In 2017, no one went out with me.
In 2018, no one went out with me.
In 2019, no one went out with me.
In 2020... I mean, I could go on.

[chveik]

People will tell you about the value of loving yourself and learning to be single and happy but usually they have arrived at this point by choice. It hard to arrive at that point when you feel you've not had the experience to make a choice yourself

good point.

[Buelligan]

Heheh.  Like choosing not to eat glass because you've tried it already.

Loved your post daf.  Would marry it.

[Dewt]

we're conditioned in this society to believe that one person holds the key, one person will make you feel good, will hold you, will love you above all and at all times

That wasn't society it was Urban Cookie Collective.

[daf]

Wahey - pulled at last!!

[Buelligan]

:)

[chveik]

Heheh.  Like choosing not to eat glass because you've tried it already.

nope

let's assume someone older would have told when you were young that relationships were a waste of time, I think it's fair to say you would have told them that you'd rather see for yourself before making such an absolute judgment.

[royce coolidge]

Well, I would say this - I've been living here for 49 years, and in 1985 no one went out with me . . .

In 1986, no one went out with me.
In 1987, no one went out with me.
In 1988, no one went out with me.
In 1989, no one went out with me.
In 1990, no one went out with me.
In 1991... some one went out with me.
In 1992, no one went out with me.
In 1993, no one went out with me.
In 1994, no one went out with me.
In 1995, no one went out with me.
In 1996, no one went out with me.
In 1997, no one went out with me.
In 1998, no one went out with me.
In 1999, no one went out with me.
In 2000, no one went out with me.
In 2001, no one went out with me.
In 2002, there was the incident with the pigeon.
In 2003, no one went out with me. 
In 2004, no one went out with me.
In 2005, no one went out with me.
In 2006, no one went out with me.
In 2007, no one went out with me.
In 2008, no one went out with me.
In 2009, no one went out with me.
In 2010, no one went out with me.
In 2011, no one went out with me. 
In 2012, no one went out with me. 
In 2013, no one went out with me.
In 2014, no one went out with me.
In 2015, no one went out with me.
In 2016, no one went out with me.
In 2017, no one went out with me.
In 2018, no one went out with me.
In 2019, no one went out with me.
In 2020... I mean, I could go on.

Same age mate, similar timeline,last "pigeon" incident in 2001.

[Buelligan]

nope

let's assume someone older would have told when you were young that relationships were a waste of time, I think it's fair to say you would have told them that you'd rather see for yourself before making such an absolute judgment.

By all means, enjoy your glass of... glass.  I'm the last person to stop anyone, I literally don't mind.

[Dewt]

"I like adventure!
I like romance!
I love great jokes!
Animal dance!"

It takes all sorts, basically.

[chveik]

By all means, enjoy your glass of... glass.  I'm the last person to stop anyone, I literally don't mind.

that wasn't the point, but thanks

[Icehaven]

I think the problem with threads like this is that if you're tempted to dive in and offer advice then your own experience is inevitably going to be by far the biggest influence on what you say, yet as is obvious by now it's an incredibly subjective thing and there's as many different approaches as there are comments. Someone saying they are/would be far happier when in a relationship doesn't mean you would be any more than someone else saying they're perfectly happy without one means you could be either.

I dunno, I'm just never sure how much use a bunch of strangers who don't know you or your situation telling you what works for them really is with things as personal as this, but I guess it's some different opinions.

[JaDanketies]

It's nice to have people that give a shit about you. If it was just my friends and immediate family then I would likely be a bigger drug addict and wouldn't do anything with my life other than seek the next dopamine hit. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that - provided that you don't hurt anyone else - but I definitely find meaning from my more intimate relationships.

Even when I was with the abusive woman, I still felt like I had to help her out, and help her cope with the crises she lunged from as like her main support.

Nowadays it's like I'm building as good a life as I can for my nearest and dearest, and hopefully it'll mean that I also have a good life. I'm not sure I would ever have the impetus to build a stable and fulfilling life for myself otherwise. Maybe I don't care about myself as much as these 'happily single' people do, and therefore it's helpful for me to have other people I care about deeply that live with me.

[Buelligan]

I'm not even sure about what caring about something means in the sense of it helping you in some way.  I find caring about things means that they worry you, suffer and die and there's nothing you can do about it.

[JaDanketies]

I've made my peace with the fact that everything dies. We only care about things that die because they affected us when they were alive.

We all get a few blinks of an eye experiencing existence, and intimate relationships make me feel like I'm getting something more out of it. My existence is improved.

[Marner and Me]

Well, I would say this - I've been living here for 49 years, and in 1985 no one went out with me . . .

In 1986, no one went out with me.
In 1987, no one went out with me.
In 1988, no one went out with me.
In 1989, no one went out with me.
In 1990, no one went out with me.
In 1991... some one went out with me.
In 1992, no one went out with me.
In 1993, no one went out with me.
In 1994, no one went out with me.
In 1995, no one went out with me.
In 1996, no one went out with me.
In 1997, no one went out with me.
In 1998, no one went out with me.
In 1999, no one went out with me.
In 2000, no one went out with me.
In 2001, no one went out with me.
In 2002, there was the incident with the pigeon.
In 2003, no one went out with me. 
In 2004, no one went out with me.
In 2005, no one went out with me.
In 2006, no one went out with me.
In 2007, no one went out with me.
In 2008, no one went out with me.
In 2009, no one went out with me.
In 2010, no one went out with me.
In 2011, no one went out with me. 
In 2012, no one went out with me. 
In 2013, no one went out with me.
In 2014, no one went out with me.
In 2015, no one went out with me.
In 2016, no one went out with me.
In 2017, no one went out with me.
In 2018, no one went out with me.
In 2019, no one went out with me.
In 2020... I mean, I could go on.

Please send info

[Marner and Me]

I've never been one to show emotion however there was a girl who I did fall head over heels for, proper heart pains when she even messaged me couldn't stop thinking about her, even kissed her once, for what ever reason that didn't work out. She is now with someone else, as am I. I did the dating apps got some dates and a couple of shags out of it. Then met the girl I'm with now, just over a year ago on a night out.

As for dating apps I think most people are on there for a confidence boost and no intentions of meeting, also I find women are quick to move on if they find someone better looking. The pictures people use on these things are filtered to fuck, it should be banned tbf. I found women to be quite lazy on there too, they'd just message hey. I had about 150 messages with 'hey' written there, didn't even bother to reply to that. No matter how good looking they were it didn't spark any interest.

I find real life is better for meeting people that a filtered fake profile, especially if the comment in the bottom is:

1 Don't like kids, you know where to swipe
2 If you don't like me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best
3 If you don't have a house or car, swipe right

[Buelligan]

I've made my peace with the fact that everything dies. We only care about things that die because they affected us when they were alive.

We all get a few blinks of an eye experiencing existence, and intimate relationships make me feel like I'm getting something more out of it. My existence is improved.

Happily, that sounds like you do quite care about yourself, old love, after all.

[markburgle]

I've never had a relationship, serious or otherwise. Too depressed about it all to say how old I am - older than the OP. I've had sex once, although "attempted" would be a better word as it was such a joke I only really count myself as having lost my virginity when I'm in a kind mood towards myself.

Thing is, I'm decently good looking, creative, can be funny on my day... I really don't have any excuses. It's a just a kind of pathological lack of confidence, a building up of the whole thing into such an issue in my head that it makes it impossible to ever relax when I meet women.

The problem with online dating, which I've done my share of, is that it focuses everyone's attention on things that don't matter. Looks. Taste in music. Attraction doesn't live in those things. But it's better than not trying at all.

Anyway, I guess my message is just to add to those others who say take heart, as there's always some cunt worse off.