Loneliness, dating and being happy by yourself

[royce coolidge]

it seems a lot of us on here suffer depression and low self esteem,and to be honest that makes us very unattractive partners.
If people are looking to form a relationship to improve there quality of life and someone to share experiences with,then its obvious
that you would want a mentally well partner.
At 49 the realisation that it won't happen for me does not hurt nearly as bad as it did in my 20s and 30s,where I compensated by being an aggressive and violent man (though not to innocents).
Any road, I think you need to love and respect yourself for others to see you as worthy.
(philosophy of the bleeding obvious and trite)

[JaDanketies]

Oh, another Tinder hint, and how I met my baby momma, and also how I got some casual sex -

When you've got hundreds of conversations, scroll back through them to see if there's any that stand out as someone who you chatted to for a while but that never went anywhere. It doesn't matter if it was months ago. Ask them on a date. Do this for ten convos and you'll probably get a date out of it.

Then, when you are satisfied that you have exhausted all of your existing matches, deactivate your Tinder account in the Tinder settings, uninstall it, reinstall it, and sign up again.

Bingo - you'll now pop up at the start of everyone's lists - again, because of the algorithm. Best of all, you'll be a pro at chatting people up on Tinder by the time you've reached this point. You'll probably have finally curated your photos and your bio and your 'game'.

I've actually got the initial convo that I had with my baby momma on imgur here: https://imgur.com/gallery/UkGt4

• start charming and funny
• focus on going on a date asap

[peanutbutter]

Then, when you are satisfied that you have exhausted all of your existing matches, deactivate your Tinder account in the Tinder settings, uninstall it, reinstall it, and sign up again.

You'll actually have to stay off it for a couple of weeks or they'll shadowban you (in this case meaning leave you only appearing for people who have exhausted all other options within their range)  for a few weeks for attempting to game the algorithm.

I guess if you're in an area where there's fuck all people it'd make little difference though

[JaDanketies]

You'll actually have to stay off it for a couple of weeks or they'll shadowban you (in this case meaning leave you only appearing for people who have exhausted all other options within their range)  for a few weeks for attempting to game the algorithm.

I guess if you're in an area where there's fuck all people it'd make little difference though

aah well ignore me. They might be wise to it now. My advice is all several years old.

[Dewt]

What about not trying to use tactics to have sex with people

[bgmnts]

It's called "game".

Keep up grandad.

[flotemysost]

People will tell you about the value of loving yourself and learning to be single and happy but usually they have arrived at this point by choice. It hard to arrive at that point when you feel you've not had the experience to make a choice yourself

As someone who has been told to focus on loving yourself and being confident etc. etc. ad nauseum by well-meaning friends, I both agree and disagree here - as per my posts in this thread (and others), at 31 I still have yet to enter an official, serious relationship, and only relatively recently (this year, pretty much) I've just begun to feel at peace with that fact, as opposed to crying myself to sleep most nights and generally going through life feeling like a massive fraud because I'm convinced everyone I know secretly thinks I'm a repulsive/unlovable/cold/slutty (depending on how much they know about me) weirdo.

The point is that this shift didn't stem from an experience of being in a relationship which made me think 'actually, now that I've tried it, this isn't all it's cracked up to be' - it was more a significant change in how I view relationships overall, and the social and personal power and importance that I afford them. But I can't disagree that it's fucking hard to get to that point, and then also not to 'relapse' into feeling like shit - especially at the moment, in lockdown, where the divide between those with partners and those without might appear especially stark and cruel. And to be fair, for me this appraised view has been at least partly informed by the experiences of friends who have had negative or even just underwhelming relationship experiences.

I guess my point is that the OP shouldn't necessarily feel they have to experience a relationship to reach that state of clemency in how they treat themselves.

Dating can be... fucking hard

I seem to keep using this phrase. Chance would be a fine thing at the moment eh

[tao of wub]

As someone who has been told to focus on loving yourself and being confident etc. etc. ad nauseum by well-meaning friends, I both agree and disagree here....

...this shift didn't stem from an experience of being in a relationship which made me think 'actually, now that I've tried it, this isn't all it's cracked up to be' - it was more a significant change in how I view relationships overall

I feel a bit like Swiss Tony on this thread giving advice..  what I have posted, well, I know it can be a bit much to hear people say you need to be able to love yourself and be confident etc..

The truth is that people don't have to be perfect in how they feel about themselves or their attitudes; we all have flaws.  A lot of people find a way to live that suits them despite their problems.  Some people Patrik Bateman it up and present whatever they think they need to whilst being nothing of the sort.

With respect to shifting views on relationships, all our needs and wants in life are subject to change, waxing and waning with time.  As we are living biology, so our feelings and wants are complex and defy rational analysis at times.  Sometimes you just feel different.

However you arrive at a feeling about how you want to  live your life, who is to say you are doing it wrong?

I stand by what I wrote earlier, regarding what can be attractive to people.   But you don't have to wait until you achieve zen like mastery of your emotions before you can be happy in life, partner or not.  Just try and do what you want to do, have some fun, be nice to the people you spend time around, be considerate to them and yourself, then you can't go far wrong surely, whatever happens?[nb]Think I can hear Martin Amis wretching at the sentiments expressed here, so I'm going to butt out now!  Serves him right for publishing the fucking dire "Yellow Dog"[/nb]

[Better Midlands]

Tinder/Bumble hack: If you're lucky enough to find yourself with loads of blanked out matches where they're trying to encourage you to upgrade to a paid package so you can see who's matched you simply change your location search to 1km and you'll find a lot of these matches are now at the top of your stack.

[phes]

Bumble only shows matches within your set radius, give or take a mile or two.

One workaround that does work with bumble is the Fake GPS app, that'll allow anyone stuck in a geographically remote area to to place themselves in a more populous area. Doesn't work with tinder.

[Jockice]

As 'met on dating apps/social media' has exploded as a response to 'how we met' I reckon this is likely to be little more an exception than those who answered 'met irl'. All you're seeing here is the dating equivalent of Sky TV coming along in the eighties and options going mega. A truckload more shite that brings with it a many more opportunities for disappointment and time-wasting, but also fresh angles and opportunities that do result in a lot of relationships. I don't think it's a waste of time, I think you just have to recalibrate how you respond to dead ends, rejection, failure etc. Remember that almost all relationships fail to endure, however they started.

As I said earlier on I put my profile on a dating site in the early years of the century to no response whatsoever. But four or five years ago I put mine on another dating site, and I'm still getting responses. It seems like a life sentence.

Context. I was looking through my girlfriend's (sorry but she's relevant to this) emails one day - with her permission - and saw one from a dating side. I asked her about it and she said a friend had set it up for her when her marriage broke down (long before I appeared on the scene) but athough she'd never been on a date through it, they kept messaging her. So along with her I set up a jokey one for myself (the fact my name was Mugpunter should have given the game away) just to see what happens. And what has happened is that my name's still on it. Or has been transferred to some worldwide pool of hopeful singles as I now get notifications from more than one site. I got a message from someone called Judy an hour ago.

I do know a couple of people who have found permanent partners through internet dating sites. And if Facebook hadn't existed it's doubtful if my girlfriend and I would have ever (re)met. So there we go.

(PS, I'm in total agreement with those posters who say having a partner isn't the be-all and end-all of life. There are good things about being single just as there are bad things about being in a relationship.)

[Ham Bap]

I was single until I was 25, all through university living away from home, was a desperately lonely life at times.
I never really put myself 'out there' though, never really chatted much, just had a very small group of friends and just lived in my bubble. I hate nightclubs and all that for meeting people.

Moved back home when I was 23 and found a very low paying job £660 a month! This was 2005. Moved out of parents house then and in with workmates.
Still single but I expanded my social circle a fair bit. Also sorta stopped caring about being single and stopped caring about being self conscious about chatting to people. I probably came across as confident but I had stopped caring.
So any women i fancied or were nice id just chat to them normally, ended up meeting one and married now since 2010.

This was the time before dating apps, dont even think Facebook was used then.
What worked for me was just expanding my social circle, putting myself out there just talking to people, stopped being so self-conscious. Just got on with things and it happened naturally. It'll be different for everyone but thats how it happened for me.


To the OP, 24 is still really young.
If i could go back in time id tell myself to start doing new things, go to the gym and talk to people there, join a running group, join any other group, start a course at the local college, meet new people.
Easier said than done at times but it might work out.

[JaDanketies]

What about not trying to use tactics to have sex with people

It's not like I was a 'playa'. They were quite happy to have someone pursue them and have sex with them. I was still open-minded about the possibility of a relationship with them but there wasn't enough 'spark'.

[Oz Oz Alice]

I met my current girlfriend through Grindr of all things which up to that point I had been using for its intended purpose of semi anonymous hook-ups with dubiously "straight" men. I've got a definite type when it comes to men, for more information read a Dennis Cooper novel. I'd been doing this for about a year following the collapse of my long term relationship: we try not to apportion blame but this was definitely my fault, I was drinking way too much and not taking my medication and I don't blame them for leaving. They had enough on their plate without dealing with a narcissistic bipolar drunk. They've since married and I went to their wedding.

Suddenly I get a message off a very attractive woman who is exclusively attracted to bisexual men, apparently in her experience we're less prone to lumpen skulled machismo (that's not my experience but I wasn't exactly going to argue). The novelty of a woman approaching me through Grindr was what hit me first: our shared connection to my close friend and mentor who had recently offed himself was what came next. We'd never met but I like to think we would've even if he'd stuck around. Thanks to her, despite a few blips I have made it past peak rock'n'roll death age 27 which would be a terrible time to go. So predictable. I guess what this rambling account of what a fuck up I've been is meant to achieve is to express that it comes out of the blue.

It's received wisdom but you should stop looking but remain open. Cue Daniel Johnson.

[phes]

It's not like I was a 'playa'. They were quite happy to have someone pursue them and have sex with them. I was still open-minded about the possibility of a relationship with them but there wasn't enough 'spark'.

learning how to use an app so that you have some visibility, being charming and funny and focusing on trying to solidify a date count as 'tactics' in the same way that I tactically open my door every morning to keep me from flattening my face

twed just seems to get irate about stories that end in women deciding to fuck men

[Buelligan]

Now, I understand.

[bgmnts]

I will say that if you ever feel down about lonliness and not having a girl/boyfriend or anything, go and watch an animal engage in its natural behaviours for even just a few minutes.

There is something quite humbling about it and will put everything in perspective.

I suppose that is just general life advice though.

[Better Midlands]

I will say that if you ever feel down about lonliness and not having a girl/boyfriend or anything, go and watch an animal engage in its natural behaviours for even just a few minutes.

There is something quite humbling about it and will put everything in perspective.

I BET THERE IS BGMNTS YOU DIRTY OLD BOLLOCKS, I BET THERE FUCKING IS..

[spaghetamine]

Just got back on tinder after having it uninstalled for six months, my favourite bios I've seen so far today are "just looking to get fingered tbh" and "I'M SEXY AND RUDE AS HELL!!!"

[JaDanketies]

My bio was along the lines of:

"Looking for an older man that pretends to be an attractive younger woman online so they can lure young men to their home, drug them, kill them, and dispose of them in the drains."

JaDanketies original right there, no plagiarism. A few people matched with me to scold me on my bad taste. It's not gonna impress 100% of women.

[Buelligan]

You are correct.

[JaDanketies]

I had bios like "I like Adventure Time, real ales, getting high, extreme metal, vegan food, blah blah blah..." and they were useless. The women don't lead the conversation so it was rare that someone would be like 'Oh, you like heavy metal too? What bands are you into?' and the ones that did never went anywhere anyway. Also I don't really think shared interests are necessarily the basis for a positive romantic relationship. It seems to run a little deeper than that. Idc that my gf is uninterested in black metal.

Even more useless than that was when I had things like "I don't like eyebrows that are on-fleek" or something like that. You're making people feel bad about themselves, and there might be someone who has eyebrows that are on-fleek and who you'd really vibe with. And if someone had a bio that said "no fat guys, no guys under 5ft 10', I'd be inclined to swipe 'no' even though I'm taller and slimmer. Putting preferences in just makes you seem like a dick. And women swipe 'no' on the majority of profiles.

imo what was good about my final bio that got me my baby momma was:

• it didn't take itself at all seriously and made it seem like I wasn't taking Tinder seriously
• it kinda hinted at the kind of person I'd get along with in a non-specific way
• it was kinda funny
• it was short

And I should say that I think my gf is way out of my league. When I first started going out with her, it really felt like she was some beautiful person going out with some average-looking schmuck.

[Buelligan]

Going a bit off topic, I'd be more concerned about the Nilsen joke because I think people repress a lot and often speak without knowing they're doing it. 

Someone who chooses to tell you that, the first, only, thing they choose to say to you, to me anyway, is saying something about how they view relationships (dangerous, deceptive, cruel, predatory), probably not even true about you.  Nevertheless, bargepole stuff.

Someone had the rights of it when they said when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

[Jockice]

Someone had the rights of it when they said when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

Unless they're a professional impressionist

[markburgle]

I had bios like "I like Adventure Time, real ales, getting high, extreme metal, vegan food, blah blah blah..." and they were useless. The women don't lead the conversation so it was rare that someone would be like 'Oh, you like heavy metal too? What bands are you into?' and the ones that did never went anywhere anyway. Also I don't really think shared interests are necessarily the basis for a positive romantic relationship. It seems to run a little deeper than that. Idc that my gf is uninterested in black metal.

Even more useless than that was when I had things like "I don't like eyebrows that are on-fleek" or something like that. You're making people feel bad about themselves, and there might be someone who has eyebrows that are on-fleek and who you'd really vibe with. And if someone had a bio that said "no fat guys, no guys under 5ft 10', I'd be inclined to swipe 'no' even though I'm taller and slimmer. Putting preferences in just makes you seem like a dick. And women swipe 'no' on the majority of profiles.

imo what was good about my final bio that got me my baby momma was:

• it didn't take itself at all seriously and made it seem like I wasn't taking Tinder seriously
• it kinda hinted at the kind of person I'd get along with in a non-specific way
• it was kinda funny
• it was short

This is helpful, thanks. During my online dating forays I've tended to tie myself in knots second guessing myself about what the hell to put. Not had a total lack of dates but definitely felt very clueless all the same

[Dewt]

twed just seems to get irate about stories that end in women deciding to fuck men

This is an incredible extrapolation from one sentence that says more about you than me TBH

I just wonder if people talking about how to present themselves to trick people into liking them have tried the simple dating technique of having any desirable qualities. If the people who don't like who you actually are aren't interested then just leave them alone, you don't have rights to appeal to everyone

[flotemysost]

I had bios like "I like Adventure Time, real ales, getting high, extreme metal, vegan food, blah blah blah..." and they were useless. The women don't lead the conversation so it was rare that someone would be like 'Oh, you like heavy metal too? What bands are you into?' and the ones that did never went anywhere anyway. Also I don't really think shared interests are necessarily the basis for a positive romantic relationship. It seems to run a little deeper than that. Idc that my gf is uninterested in black metal.

Even more useless than that was when I had things like "I don't like eyebrows that are on-fleek" or something like that. You're making people feel bad about themselves, and there might be someone who has eyebrows that are on-fleek and who you'd really vibe with. And if someone had a bio that said "no fat guys, no guys under 5ft 10', I'd be inclined to swipe 'no' even though I'm taller and slimmer. Putting preferences in just makes you seem like a dick. And women swipe 'no' on the majority of profiles.

imo what was good about my final bio that got me my baby momma was:

• it didn't take itself at all seriously and made it seem like I wasn't taking Tinder seriously
• it kinda hinted at the kind of person I'd get along with in a non-specific way
• it was kinda funny
• it was short

And I should say that I think my gf is way out of my league. When I first started going out with her, it really felt like she was some beautiful person going out with some average-looking schmuck.

Agree that being confronted with a humourless list of what someone doesn't find attractive is a bit intimidating, doesn't provide a great prompt for conversation, and at worst comes across a little superior, or at least jaded.

I think my old Tinder bio had a jokey (at least, hopefully it was taken that way) bit along the lines of "if you've listed 'banter' as an interest [which a lot of guys' profiles seemed to do unironically around that time], then I'm probably not the girl for you" and I did get quite a few (positive) conversations going in response to that. However, being faced with a sea of "I'm sick of seeing x" or "please don't be x" is just disheartening and awkward.

Knowing how specific to be is a tough one. It could be that the algorithms align and you just happen to stumble across that person with the exact same favourite obscure album or whatever, but it's probably better to keep it more open ended and then if it is the case you've actually got loads in common, that will come out in conversation, which is a more fun way of discovering common ground anyway.

Although it's good to have something for the other person to start a conversation about, even if in your experience women are less likely to do this. Nothing more frustrating than seeing someone who seems nice and attractive but there's nothing in their profile you can really pin an opening line on (that isn't 'hey' or 'how was your weekend').

[markburgle]

This is an incredible extrapolation from one sentence that says more about you than me TBH

I just wonder if people talking about how to present themselves to trick people into liking them have tried the simple dating technique of having any desirable qualities.

This is a very cynical read. It's important to think about how best to put yourself across when it's quite possible to unwittingly "trick" people into being indifferent towards you  despite having desirable qualities, as folks like me know only too well.

[Dewt]

it's quite possible to unwittingly "trick" people into being indifferent towards you

This is incredible

[Bazooka]

If you can cook well, I don't think you even need to be attractive to pull, quite hard to pull a women in a club by whipping up a Lamb Tagine though.