Urban Legends 2020

[flotemysost]

David Beckham story

Of the celebrity urban legends, for its sheer implausibility and crassness, my favourite is the classic 'Ricky Martin in a cupboard'.

I'm sure you all know it anyway, but in short...

As a birthday surprise, the parents of a teenage girl in Spain arrange for her to meet her idol, pop star Ricky Martin, via a Candid Camera-style TV show with a regular skit where a celebrity surprises an unsuspecting fan.

The set up is for Martin to be secreted in a cupboard in the family home so that when the girl comes home from school, thinking she's in an empty house, her favourite star will jump out and give her a birthday serenade.

The day arrives, the girl gets home at the usual time, Ricky's in the kitchen cupboard waiting for his cue. The girl appears to be making herself a snack and opens a tin of tuna... however she then squats on the floor and arranges the tuna over her naked crotch, to which the family dog bounds over and starts enthusiastically tucking in, while Ricky Martin, the girl's parents, and the host and entire audience of the TV show watch, aghast.

The girl is then disowned by her parents/has to move schools and change her name/becomes a nun, depending on which version you hear.

There are other versions involving different foodstuffs (peanut butter, pineapple, Nutella), different onlookers (Justin Bieber, the girl's entire family and elderly relatives gathered for a surprise party, or her future in-laws in a version where she's a bit older) and even one where the hungry pet is a gerbil (in a possible cross-pollination with the Richard Gere story) but the Ricky Martin one's my fave.

[Paul Calf]

I remember this well, I lived in Kirkstall at the time and it was a horrific case.  A story of terrible violence and awful excuses.  Don't know what it is about Leeds and Bradford and this sort of thing going on.

Back in the autumn of 2004, a Leeds taxi driver picked up an unusual passenger sporting some striking fresh heavy scratches on his face and travelling with a large bag.  The driver couldn't help but notice that the bag appeared to be leaking blood and was quite smelly.  Hmm.

When he asked about the bag his passenger explained that he had been out shooting and the bag was full of rabbits, which he was taking to dispose of.  The taxi driver happened to shoot and on chatting, was not convinced that his dodgy passenger actually knew anything about it, and became suspicious.

This rum weirdo was also spotted in Woodhouse Ridge, a strip of woodland in the Meanwood valley area, with a large white bloody bag, and a finger nail mauled visage.  Two women were out walking with their babies in prams and he made such an impression on them that one of them commented to the other, "If we hear about a murder we will know who did it", or some such.  They described the stained sack as possibly a duvet cover and heavily bloodstained.

Come the 8th of October 2004 a walker made the grim discovery of a severed leg in Woodhouse Ridge.  That leg was from the hacked up corpse of Ms Lyndsey Bourne, a Leeds street prostitute last seen alive when her friends dropped her off on Sovereign Street, in the city centre on 9th September.

Stuart Burns, a 30 year old painter and decorator handed himself into the police after seeing a photofit of his face, complete with the scratches.  Initially he said that he'd been on a night out, got drunk and got into a row with a lady who'd scratched his face. Trying to explain his behaviour with the red stained baggage, he said he had been helping a friend out with some decorating, taking paint and dust sheets over, but en route he'd decided it was too heavy and dumped it, explaining that the stains were just red paint.

Eventually he changed his story.  He claimed he had met Ms Bourne whilst pissed up and taken her back to his home in Holt park without realising she was a prostitute.  He said she demanded money for sex and then they began fighting when she stole from him.  During this struggle he claimed to have tried to restrain her by the neck, and she then collapsed and died.

Having brutally murdered Ms Bourne, Burns decided the best thing to do was to dismember her in his bath.  Having not bothered to own a car, he though it best to ferry her body in bits, via taxi, carelessly packed in dripping bags, for disposal in the woods.  He then had a clean up and put down laminate flooring and painted inside his house.  Police found blood under this flooring on forensic examination.

I can only imagine what sort of mess he would make doing a painting and decorating job, so it is probably a good thing he got a life sentence at Leeds Crown Court for his cowardly murder.

Interview with the two detectives who led the manhunt, Shaun Bartram and Nick Wallen

https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2010/sep/26/police-cases-they-cant-forget

BBC story when the leg had been found but not the killer.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_yorkshire/3990645.stm

BBC story after Burns was brought to justice.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_yorkshire/4386882.stm

So moral of this story, make sure you own a car, a spade and a waterproof holdall don't be a murdering cunt.

Just read this within literally a few paces of Woodhouse Ridge, after a walk down Woodhouse and Meanwood Ridge into Headingley. I don't even live here.

[The Lurker]

Of the celebrity urban legends, for its sheer implausibility and crassness, my favourite is the classic 'Ricky Martin in a cupboard'.

I'm sure you all know it anyway, but in short...

There are other versions involving different foodstuffs (peanut butter, pineapple, Nutella), different onlookers (Justin Bieber, the girl's entire family and elderly relatives gathered for a surprise party, or her future in-laws in a version where she's a bit older) and even one where the hungry pet is a gerbil (in a possible cross-pollination with the Richard Gere story) but the Ricky Martin one's my fave.

There's the one where Chris Evans was caught wanking to Baywatch on Noel's House Party. One urban legend says it was broadcast live, another says it was only witnessed by the production crew. Although, there's a clip where Noel says they tried the week before and Evans had no clothes on which is presumably where the urban legend comes from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cile9BOpZAw

There was also pretty much the exact same story but with Carol Smillie instead of Chris Evans. 

Chris Evans probably did though, didn't he? The dirty old bollocks.

[The Lurker]

That was my 500th post. The Chris Evans wanking tale. What a time to be alive.

[flotemysost]

the one where Chris Evans was caught wanking to Baywatch on Noel's House Party

Yeah, I can see that one having a grain of truth to it. I'm pretty sure Noel's House Party was at the core of multiple rumours doing the rounds at my school (some involving Mr. Blobby, no doubt).

Another celeb one that's as old as the hills is the chestnut about Elton John or Freddie Mercury collapsing at a party, being rushed to an emergency room and a gastric lavage revealing a stomach dangerously full of human semen. Which basically amounts to "well, those deviant gays will get what they deserve in the end LOL!" and I can only assume those who perpetuated the tale have never given or received a blowjob.

(Although, here's a variation on the Elton John story - with a different bodily fluid - as deadpanned to Russian TV presenters by Mike Patton: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1JSIjF96aI)

[Mr Farenheit]

There's some people go to the local water park and put razor blades in a piece of chewing gum then stick it inside the water chutes. Friend of mine knew of quite a few kids who were sliced open because of this.

[flotemysost]

It was razor blades in toffee apples at Halloween round my way. Friend of a friend's little brother bled to death one year, although no one could remember his name.

[Sebastian Cobb]

A mate of a mate worked in every mcdonalds in every town putting herpes infested jizz in place of the mayonnaise the mcchicken sandwiches.

His brother worked in every kebab house and cooked a rat.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

There was a kid at school who was a bit away to the fairies to say the least and it was rumored that this was due to him as a child having  unknowingly consumed a large amount of mushroom tea his deadbeat hippy dad had left unattended. There were variations on the story that it could have been LSD on fruit pastilles. Reckon this one could be true to be honest, I could definitely see that spannering you for life.

There was a lad like that in my class, Ray - looked and dressed like a beefier version of Ian McCulloch. He grew up in a hippy commune and was smoking joints in the toilets several times a day. Once had some sort of acid flashback in class and had to be sent home. A couple of years after leaving school, I used to bump into him fairly regularly when I too was a bit of a stoner and he confirmed that he was pretty much wasted the whole time he was in school.

Last time I saw him was in 1989 when he was being led away "For more questioning" in the customs shed in Fishguard. Compared to him, us bunch of amateur drug fiends didn't even register on Custom's "Wrong Un" radar so he did us a good turn.

[Sebastian Cobb]

There was a proper stoner in the year above us called 'dopey rowe' you knew when there was a drought on because his hair would be noticably less scruffy and he would respond with something more lucid than a neanderthal grunt.

[notjosh]

Another celeb one that's as old as the hills is the chestnut about Elton John or Freddie Mercury collapsing at a party, being rushed to an emergency room and a gastric lavage revealing a stomach dangerously full of human semen. Which basically amounts to "well, those deviant gays will get what they deserve in the end LOL!" and I can only assume those who perpetuated the tale have never given or received a blowjob.

Absolute nonsense. I wasn't even born when this happened but even I know it was Marc Almond, and the spunk was proven to have come from 10 different men and 1 dog.

[dissolute ocelot]

Absolute nonsense. I wasn't even born when this happened but even I know it was Marc Almond, and the spunk was proven to have come from 10 different men and 1 dog.

Happened to "Rod Stewart, Elton John, David Bowie, Marc Almond, Mick Jagger, Andy Warhol, Jeff Beck, Jon Bon Jovi, the drummer for Bon Jovi, the lead singer for New Kids on the Block, the Bay City Rollers (what, all of them?), Alanis Morrissette, Li'l Kim, Foxy Brown, Britney Spears, and Fiona Apple."

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/rock-star-stomach-pump/

[Lordofthefiles]

I have it on good authority that the story actually did happen but involved David Seaman, and when they pumped his stomach they found ten different kinds of almond.

[steve98]

Almond's *ahem* milk