Dickhead neighbour effectively running his business out the front of my house

[The Mollusk]

I've got this absolute wand living opposite me who legit looks like the wretched arsechild of Corden and Gervais, waddling about with his weapons grade shithead goatee and hair all slicked back. This fucking gold chain wearing pustule spends large portions of the day pacing slowly up and down the stretch of about five houses with his phone on loudspeaker doing whatever fucking business, talking about clients and photoshoots and stuff. I HATE this prick. It's fucking summer and I've been furloughed since March and if I want to sit in my living room and make music or watch the telly during the day I have to have the windows shut because this dickweed is always out there prattling on like a smug piece of shit. He drinks Perrier sparkling water and he smokes those thin cigars. I wish I was joking, that's the fucking truth.

He's out there right now. Moments ago I just heard him announce on the phone that it's his birthday. He then used the phrase "I just wanted to touch base on ...". Fucking hell. Honestly the arrogance of this man that he thinks no one would mind him conducting himself this way in front of their homes for hours of the day six days a week. It's driving me mental, I wish I had the mental capacity to shut it off but I can't, my attention span can't help being massively irritated by it.

Obviously I could just go out and speak to him but I have a feeling like he would just be like "There's no law against it" or "It's still lockdown and it really helps me to get out of the stuffy home environment". How do you argue with that? It's basically fair enough, but I don't care. I seriously hope that he's smoking himself into a very early grave. Sometimes I think about being a complete cunt about it, going outside and conducting my own fake conversations on my phone even louder than he is, or just following him around smiling with two middle fingers up in his face. IT'S MY STREET AS WELL, YOU ODIOUS SACK OF SLIME.

Anyway what other completely unreasonable over the top things can I do to this man besides killing him? I also welcome suggestions of how to kill him. Cheers.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Definitely justified to get vile with him

Get him in the pride: shout something like

MATE YOUR PHONE CALLS ARE boooring MATE

or

GET AN OFFICE DEL BOY

Loud enough for the person on the end of the line (assuming he's not talking into a toy phone full of sweets) so that he doesn't want to parade up the street talking shit anymore

No chance of an argument or a debate that way, go full dickhead, no debate

[touchingcloth]

Buy a letterbox, wrap it up and hand it to him while he's on his phone, then shit through it.

[ollyboro]

Go outside and say politely "I heard you say that it's your birthday. Happy birthday." That'll at least tell him you can hear everything he's saying.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Or a little sign that says

PHONE DICKHEAD: EVERYONE HATES HEARING YOUR BORING LIFE on a post

And an unflattering drawing of him

[Butchers Blind]

Pics please.

[ollyboro]

Jam his phone signal. Jam his arsehole with his phone. Not real jam. Waste of good jam.

[greenman]

Play the liberty bell march at maximum volume out the widow during his calls.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Pics please.

Yea I'd love to see this

Send pics and I'll make the poster for you

Maybe we could have a cab photoshop challenge and you could print out and post one a day

[Twonty Gostelow]

Ask if he's got any filing he needs doing and work your way up from there.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Hello pigs- I mean police, there's a man walking up and down outside my house making phone calls about smashing up statues, I'm absolutely bricking it, this is a decent patriotic neighbourhood this is

[Pingers]

Send him a fake letter from the council telling him that since he is now conducting his business on the pavement he has to start paying additional business rates for highway usage. You have a way with words, I'm sure you could come up with something good, plus you know where he lives.

[touchingcloth]

Kidnap his kids, burn down his house, murder him. Murder the kids.

[Butchers Blind]

Hello pigs- I mean police, there's a black man walking up and down outside my house

FTFY. They'll be out quick sharp.

[Sebastian Cobb]

You live next to 'smug croissant stock photo guy' and I claim my five pounds.

[petril]

Hello pigs- I mean police, there's a man walking up and down outside my house making phone calls about smashing up statues, I'm absolutely bricking it, this is a decent patriotic neighbourhood this is

"aye, an' ah kin definitely smell hash an' aw"

[Custard]

Go out there half dressed, maybe top half missing, make yourself cross eyed and whisper slowly in his ear "Touch base? Say that again son and I'll be touching your forehead. With my boot"

Then garble Livin Da Vida Loca as you glide away on all fours

[JesusAndYourBush]

Pelt him with water bombs.

[DrGreggles]

Call the filth anonymously and say that there's a suspected drug dealer operating on your street.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Go out there half dressed, maybe top half missing, make yourself cross eyed and whisper slowly in his ear "Touch base? Say that again son and I'll be touching your forehead. With my boot"

And then moving forward, you can grab my low hanging fruit.

[Hat FM]

can you write him an anonymous letter letting him know how this is affecting you and post it through his door in the dead of night. he might not stop but at least this will make him realise, if he hasn't already, how much of a twat he is being.

[idunnosomename]

Just be done with it and shag him

[touchingcloth]

Hello pigs- I mean police, there's a black African American man walking up and down outside my house making phone calls about smashing up statues, I'm absolutely bricking it, this is a decent patriotic neighbourhood this is

FTFY. They'll be out quick sharp.

FTFTFYFY.

[jobotic]

Put a banner on his house that says "White Silence is Violence" then ring the filth.


Set up a desk in the street with a phone and and a PC and sit out there in a suit sweating and shouting "BUY BUY SELL BUY GODDAM MY ASS IS ON THE LINE HERE TEN MINUTES TO CLINCH THE UDAGAWA DEAL I USED TO BE THE FACE OF LASSITER'S" relentlessly for hours a day until he stops.

[Sebastian Cobb]

can you write him an anonymous letter letting him know how this is affecting you and post it through his door in the dead of night. he might not stop but at least this will make him realise, if he hasn't already, how much of a twat he is being.

Too passive-aggressive. Just write CUNT in weedkiller on his lawn.

[The Mollusk]

I have a big hedge blocking the view of the street so I'd have to actually walk outside to get a picture, which I am not prepared to do. Instead, I did this drawing for you all to visualise him. It is 100% accurate.

[Hat FM]

I have a big hedge blocking the view of the street so I'd have to actually walk outside to get a picture, which I am not prepared to do. Instead, I did this drawing for you all to visualise him. It is 100% accurate.

definitely include this with the anonymous letter.

[PlanktonSideburns]

I have a big hedge blocking the view of the street so I'd have to actually walk outside to get a picture, which I am not prepared to do. Instead, I did this drawing for you all to visualise him. It is 100% accurate.

Incredible. Get it on the Lampost!

[Kryton]

Have a shit, taper it off, freeze it, remove from freezer and stab him to death with the frozen turd.

[the]

Proper answer:  As unpleasant as it may seem, go and have an 'I'm not being funny but' word. He might completely ignore what you're politely requesting but his response will tell you what flavour of bellend you're dealing with and you can at least go from there

Joke answer:  Use a speaker to blast out Barry Homeowner speeches every time he's out there

Mischievious answer:  If he's so loud, at some point he'll give away the name/website/phone number of his business, and then you can start to have some fun