Dickhead neighbour effectively running his business out the front of my house

[Pingers]

I have a big hedge blocking the view of the street so I'd have to actually walk outside to get a picture, which I am not prepared to do. Instead, I did this drawing for you all to visualise him. It is 100% accurate.

This is great, tempted to have it for an avatar

[non capisco]

Follow him down the street sarcastically singing "REACH OUT AND TOUCH BASE!" to the tune of that bit from Depeche Mode's 'Personal Jesus'.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Follow him down the street sarcastically singing "REACH OUT AND TOUCH BASE!" to the tune of that bit from Depeche Mode's 'Personal Jesus'.

I laughed

[Icehaven]

He's obviously one of those wretched people that needs an audience to feel like they exist, and usually does this performance at work or just walking around so now he has to do it from home, as it were. There probably isn't even anyone on the phone.

[The Mollusk]

Proper answer:  As unpleasant as it may seem, go and have an 'I'm not being funny but' word. He might completely ignore what you're politely requesting but his response will tell you what flavour of bellend you're dealing with and you can at least go from there

I wish I had the guts to do this, but if it went even remotely negatively I would have massive anxiety about ever going out if I knew he was out there, and he's out there a lot. Floating about like a fucking ghoul on an RPG which automatically homes in on you when you try and walk the path to advance to the next bit of the game. The battle starts and his opening move is SMUG AURA and it's a fucking critical hit that wipes out half my team and paralyses me. I am frozen and he uses his next move TOUCH BASE which is basically him reaching up inside my arse and pulling all my guts out and eating them.

GAME OVER

DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE EVER AGAIN

YES
NO <

[tao of wub]

Pepper the street with shit 'land mines'.

Obviously this will be annoying for you too, but he is going to get covered in shit and he won't like it.

Buy a powerful laser which you can use to set fire to his hair from an upstairs window.

Hide a corpse in your hedge so it honks so badly he can't stand the smell.

Cultivate a nest of angry wasps in your hedge.

Borrow an angry goose and set it on him from your garden.

Cultivate a relationship with him then spend all your time shagging.  His business will go down the tubes and you can then cut him loose, having ruined his personal and professional life.

[Butchers Blind]

Its a shame this arrived too late for this years Wimblewrong.

[The Mollusk]

I reckon I might get it printed on big poster boards to put on lampposts with the caption "IF A DOG DID ITS BUSINESS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE I WOULD KICK ITS FUCKING HEAD IN"

[Dr Trouser]

I like the fact he has an arse for a neck

[PlanktonSideburns]

I reckon I might get it printed on big poster boards to put on lampposts with the caption "IF A DOG DID ITS BUSINESS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE I WOULD KICK ITS FUCKING HEAD IN"

I forgot to write it before the post, but this was my serious answer. Can't see any downsides to doing this

[Attila]

I have a big hedge blocking the view of the street so I'd have to actually walk outside to get a picture, which I am not prepared to do. Instead, I did this drawing for you all to visualise him. It is 100% accurate.

Leonardo diCaprio  has let himself go.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

End his year

Take the year - got that? So the year. The year itself. Got it? Got hold of it?

End it.

End his year.

Kablam

[The Mollusk]

I forgot to write it before the post, but this was my serious answer. Can't see any downsides to doing this

Ah yeh soz, I forgot you'd already suggested doing basically the same thing.

I'm imagining secretly filming his reaction and him having some weird street meltdown, like in Big Train when Kevin Eldon draws the gross horrible caricature of his boss and the bloke is reduced to a whimpering heap.

[Brundle-Fly]

You sure it's not Barry George?

[dissolute ocelot]

I used to live next door to a pub, and while the pub itself was no problem, all the fucking assholes who came out and stood right by my window to conduct mobile phone conversations drove me insane. Nobody EVER had anything the least bit interesting to say, it was all people taking half a fucking hour to arrange a lift, maybe some low-level fencing or drug dealing.

I recommend (a) vomit on the pavement or (b) steal all the road signs and concrete barriers and cones you can find and block off the pavement. If you can get a pneumatic drill and actually construct a deep pit, with no barrier on the side he approaches from, even better.

[Pingers]

You sure it's not Barry George?

Fucking LOL.

Might do and end of year CaB Shit Neighbours Thread Compendium, it's definitely a favourite topic.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Stand next to him and then play the audio from this very loudly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37oFsuPRx-k (if you can cut out the studio audience, even better). That or this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qy3qk4ohwFA

[The Mollusk]

Stand next to him and then play the audio from this very loudly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37oFsuPRx-k (if you can cut out the studio audience, even better). That or this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qy3qk4ohwFA

Both solid options but I think I'd rather deploy something like this

https://youtu.be/Dp3K_MX7ANQ

[Mister Six]

Proper answer:  As unpleasant as it may seem, go and have an 'I'm not being funny but' word. He might completely ignore what you're politely requesting but his response will tell you what flavour of bellend you're dealing with and you can at least go from there

That ^

Give him one chance not to be a cunt and the next time he starts doing it, walk six feet behind him with a big speaker playing Who Let the Dogs Out or something. Oh, no law against talking on your phone in the street eh? No law against me playing the Baha Men either, cunt.

Or just play it out of your window or something, if you don't mind pushing him further down the street and foisting him on your neighbours.

[Sebastian Cobb]

It's times like this one wishes we still emptied our chamberpots out of the window.

[Hand Solo]

Cover your house with rude/scary daubings to freak him the fuck out so he won't come near again:

[Rizla]

Add specs, stretch it a bit on the N/S axis and replace phone with dogs - you've basically got yourself fuckin' BOG there.

[Bently Sheds]

This bloke's on the other end of the phone...

[touchingcloth]

Bum him to grave.

[monkfromhavana]

When he's outside, move your speaker to the window sill and crank up your music full blast.

[Kryton]

Yeah I think in all serious just speak to him first and he might be alright and apologise.

If not then it's your opportunity to fuck with him the next time until he gets the message. Loud music, weird noises etc.

[steve98]

Go out there half dressed, maybe top half missing, make yourself cross eyed and whisper slowly in his ear "She turnt the waines against uz".

That'll see him off.

[monkfromhavana]

Get a bottle of mayonnaise and stand by the window, holding the mayonnaise just out of sight underneath the window sill. Wait until he notices you, then start pretending to wank, then give the mayonnaise a hard squeeze so it shoots white gunk all over the window.

Then give him a saucy wink and pull the blinds down.

[Tony Tony Tony]

As noted above by now he should have barked out his mobile number or email address. There are plenty of anonymous text sending or email sites around for you to mess with him.

I worked with a guy who was a tosser of the first order and one of the main reasons I left. For months after wards he got messages such as  'Jesus loves you' followed closely by 'but everyone else thinks your a cunt'.

I kept in touch with one of the other guys working there who told me the messages were driving him mad.

[The Mollusk]

Thanks for all your advice but I have murder him now. It turns out his phone was just a pop tart. Delicious.