Still Not Accepting Middle-Age Ned: Back in the Girdle!

[Glebe]

Ned's workplace, midday. The quiet of the office is suddenly shattered.

"WOAH, BODYFORM! BODYFORM FOR YOU!"

Complete silence.

"No? Not you lot's era, I suppose. Sorry."

[Glebe]

"Booyakasha! Neddy in da house!"

"Morning, Ned. Good weekend?"

[Glebe]

"Was playing FInal Fantasy VII last night, Millennial Mick! What a classic!"

"Oh nice one Ned. I assume you mean the original and not the recent remake?"

Ned's face drops.

"They've remade it?"

"Yeah. FFVIII too."

Ned slowly gets up from his desk and wanders across the office, lost in a haze of shock.

"You'd best take the rest of the day off, Ned," says Supervisor Steve.

[Glebe]

"Really looking forward to that new Tennents film! Christophe Bolam is one of my favourite directors! The fire rises!"

[spaghetamine]

Ned steals bag of powder from his son's room and does a massive line to impress his friends, Rock 'n' Roll Ron and Gropey Graham. Turns out it's an experimental hallucinogen active in the microgram range, he was last seen naked in the Waitrose carpark screaming that he is twenty three years old.

[Glebe]

Ned steals bag of powder from his son's room and does a massive line to impress his friends, Rock 'n' Roll Ron and Gropey Graham. Turns out it's an experimental hallucinogen active in the microgram range, he was last seen naked in the Waitrose carpark screaming that he is twenty three years old.

"I'VE ADDED A COUPLE OF YEARS AND EVERYTHING! I'M PROBABLY SEVENTEEN!" A red-faced Ned Jnr. retrieves his bag of wacky dust and sneaks out of the carpark going "Who is that fucking guy?"

Ned burst in on his ex-wife and her lover in bed.

"Guys, you just gotta see the rap kid down the shopping mall! He's like MC Hammer on the speed!"

"Oh yeah I know that kid, he's pretty good," comments Ned's ex's lover. Nothing like vintage commercial rap act MC Hammer though."

"He models himself after Stormzy apparently," adds Ned's ex-wife. "He's not very good, but he tries. Now please leave us to finish making mad, passionate love, Ned."

Ned back down the mall. The kid is doing his thing again.

"He's not bad, but he's no Storm-eze!" Ned tells the old woman on the bench next to him.

[Glebe]

"Ah... first cappuccino I've had in a cafe in months! Take that, corunyavirus!"

"It's coronavirus, mate."

"Fuck you, kid! Stick to gawping at your little Macbook there! Proper face-to-face conversation is for proper boomsters like m'self!"

[Glebe]

Ned pops into his local Fopp, which has just reopened.

"Alright son, like the plastic shield on the checkout there, very futuristic! What's with the hand sanitizer thing at the entrance?"

"Er, that's because of the pandemic sir."

"Pfff, that?! Major conspiracy lad, major conspiracy! Anyway... got any hot discs?"

"Sorry?"

"Y'know... hit me with some of the latest rad-tapes."

"Have a look around and whatever you like take off the racks and bring it too the checkout, sir."

"Yeah, right mate... I mean, it's not like you store guys aren't hip to the latest boggle-beats!"

"I dunno what you mean mate."

"Come on... we're both hip to the rhythm, but I need your expert advice on the latest cool-vibes. Who's big at the moment? Who's toppermost of the hip-hop crowd?"

"Sir, can you just wait here for a moment."

The checkout fella goes to see the assistant manager in the back.

"Tom, there's some crazy guy bothering me out there."

"Sigh. That'll be Ned. I'll handle this."

"TOM! M'main homey! What up?"

"Hi Ned, listen I'll go and select you a few nice CDs off the shelves, alright?"

"Cheers man... hey, those 'DVDS'... are they like CDs? Can I insert them in a regular boombox? And I heard about this new 'Information Cyberhighway'... do I need a computer for that?"

"Sigh. Ned, haven't you been taken your meds?"

"NO! This new-fangled medicine is for the freaks! By the way mate, make sure to stock up on y'Prefab Sprout cassettes!"

"Oh dear Ned, you've gone regressive... your not-accepting-middle-age self has time-slipped back to the past in your mind. Have a word with your doctor mate."

NEXT MORNING.

All is quite, then Ned comes rollin' into the store on a skateboard with a cap on backwards.

"YO, Fingerbobs!"

[Glebe]

Ned goes on a spending spree, purchasing a 4K TV, an Amazon Echo, several Star Wars T-shirts and a Guardians of the Galaxy mug. "Gonna hit up iTunes when I get home too, get the complete Vampire Weekend discog!"

[Glebe]

"I see guys, even like my age, are into these 'graphic novels'. They're just comic books though, innit? It's like getting into Beano annuals. Like, at my age. WTF?"

[Norton Canes]

"Yes sir, what can I do for you?"

"Meet me at McDonalds."

[Glebe]

"Yes sir, what can I do for you?"

"Meet me at McDonalds."

Later, at McDonalds:

"Look - Ned, isn't it? There's no need to be so candid about this. People are quite open about homosexuality nowadays."

"Eh?! Nah mate, I just needed somebody to come and see the new Transformers movie with me! I've booked two tickets and everything! Hey, do you like Hot Wheels?"

[Glebe]

"WAZZUP?! Yo, hit me with a slice a pizza, buddy!"

"We don't do pizza here at Subway, mate."

"Right then... so it's gonna have to be a Royale with cheese, m'man!"

"We only do sandwiches and that mate."

"Okay... let's see... hit with a BLT, hold the pickle, HEAVY ON THE MIRACLE WHIP, HARRY!"

"Eh?!"

"Nah, you're too young to remember that. Prolly didn't even get the Pulp Fiction reference."

Ned leaves Subway in tears.

[Glebe]

"Is The Inbetweeners still cool? I've never seen a single episode, but I'm a big fan! If it's still cool."

[Glebe]

"Gotta say, loving the new one by Coldplay. Yes, I'm a Coldplay fan! You guys probably thought I was just into Phil Collins and such. Well sure, I dig the Collins' vibe, but I'm hip the new groove too! Great Zoom meet, you office millennials!"

[Glebe]

"Alexei, buy my shopping. Alexei, buy my shopping. ALEXEI!"

[jenna appleseed]

Ned joins facebook in disguise

[Glebe]

That's Ned's US cousin, Challenging the Midlife Crisis Charles.

[Glebe]

"I'm up all night to get lucky!"

Ned is drinking alone again.

[spaghetamine]

Ned is detained for several hours under suspicion of espionage after rollerblading into RAF Waddington during an attempt to film a Tiktok.

[Glebe]

Ned is detained for several hours under suspicion of espionage after rollerblading into RAF Waddington during an attempt to film a Tiktok.

Heh!

Ned at the office.

"Yo! You staff millennials! Was playing The Candy Crush Saga on m'PS3 last night - while listening to Elbow! Pringles, Irn-Bru, sorted."

[Glebe]

"Dua Lipa, lads. Great artist. One of m'all-time faves."

"Get out of it, Gary! That's young people's music!"

"Maybe, Accepting Middle-Age Anthony, maybe. But I'm young at heart and it's hard to slow this crazy forty-something down!"

"Your 56, Gary," chips in Over the Hill Harry. "And it's your round. Oh wait no, we have to leave so other people can come in for a socially-distancing few drinks for a few hours. Bloody covid nanny state."

[jenna appleseed]

Ned is detained for several hours under suspicion of espionage after rollerblading into RAF Waddington during an attempt to film a Tiktok.

The internet revival of Some Mothers Do have 'em is going well I see.

[jenna appleseed]

"Dua Lipa, lads. Great artist. One of m'all-time faves."

"Get out of it, Gary! That's young people's music!"

"Maybe, Accepting Middle-Age Anthony, maybe. But I'm young at heart and it's hard to slow this crazy forty-something down!"

"Your 56, Gary," chips in Over the Hill Harry. "And it's your round. Oh wait no, we have to leave so other people can come in for a socially-distancing few drinks for a few hours. Bloody covid nanny state."

They may be claiming to be accepting their middle age but they're still calling Ned Garry because they mistook Legend Gary for a meme used by all the trendy young people here on cookdand bombd. (There are no trendy young people on cookdandbombd*)
* except maybe Thomas.

[Glebe]

They may be claiming to be accepting their middle age but they're still calling Ned Garry because they mistook Legend Gary for a meme used by all the trendy young people here on cookdand bombd. (There are no trendy young people on cookdandbombd*)
* except maybe Thomas.

Crikey, I'm gettin' me characters all of a fuddle!

[petril]

They may be claiming to be accepting their middle age but they're still calling Ned Garry because they mistook Legend Gary for a meme used by all the trendy young people here on cookdand bombd. (There are no trendy young people on cookdandbombd*)
* except maybe Thomas.

Ned is Gary once he realises he's no longer 19 and getting the benefit of the doubt off anyone. Desperate insecurities and a feeling of loss for not doing what all the cool kids did instead of having his life. Seething.

Going to be white market trainers to work soon

[Glebe]

"Hiya Daz!"

"Eh?! My name is Fifty-Something Phil, not 'Daz', Ned!"

"Daz I feel older than my years."

[Glebe]

Ned joins in on another Zoom chat with the office millennials.

"Guys, gotta say, I'm all for the transgender thing. I used to think it was 'a bit weird', but now I know it ain't cool to hold that opinion. I'm all for women's rights, for gays' rights, and - of course! - the blacks' rights! Peace out y'all, see you online next Wednesday, same time as ever luv Ned!"

[Glebe]

"Sorry I'm late for work boss. Was up all night playing a Fortnight. Hey, got two tickets to Ed Sheeran, fancy going later?"

[Glebe]

"Face it, modern music just doesn't have the power of the stuff I grew up on. I mean, LL Cool J is not a patch on The Waterboys."