Still Not Accepting Middle-Age Ned: Back in the Girdle!

[Glebe]

Ned skates backwards with alarming speed into a large potplant, then falls face-first into a framed photo of the deceased Mrs. Boss. "AY CARUMBA!"

"Sorry 'bout that... but I am America's number one coolest mischief-maker! Don't have a cow!"

"Ned, you need help!"

"It's too late. It's too late."

Ned slowly rolls backward into the office space, tears rolling down his cheeks.

[frajer]

Ned slowly rolls backward into the office space, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Dry your eyes, Ned," says Late-Twenties Lenny, handing him a tissue. "Here. Are you excited for the Game of Thrones prequel?"

Ned blows his nose. "You are so kind but I do not understand your words."

[Glebe]

"Dry your eyes, Ned," says Late-Twenties Lenny, handing him a tissue. "Here. Are you excited for the Game of Thrones prequel?"

Ned blows his nose. "You are so kind but I do not understand your words."

"Dry your eyes, mate," sings Lenny, "heh, you know, The Streets?"

"Nah, you've lost me there, Len," croaks a bewildered Ned.

[Glebe]

Ned paints his face white and dresses from head to foot in black. "M'goth phase. Deal with it."

[Glebe]

Ned's at his desk.

"Guys, I saw a collectable doll of Clarabelle the doll from the Clarabelle the doll movies in Forbidden Planet! It was so accurate to the movies!"

"That's Annabelle, Ned," offers Millennium Mick.

"Oh right, yeah. I've not seen the films to be honest. But anyway, it was £200, but it looked just like the doll in the films!"

"Must be official merchandise..." comments Twenty-Something Tina, "Did you get the name of the company on the box?"

"Hang on..." says Ned, reaching into his rucksack and taking the doll out. "'Sideshow Collectables'."

"Fuck's sake!" blurts Mick, "You're not a fan of the films and haven't even seen them and can't get the doll's name right but you spent 200 quid on that?!"

"Yeah, well... gotta stay hip! Money isn't everything, you know. Gotta stay hip!"

[Glebe]

Everyone is quietly working away in the office when Ned suddenly rolls past with a giant, luminous bulb on his noggin.

[frajer]

Ned buys a hoverboard, turns his jacket inside out and yells "Doc! Doc! It's the future, Doc!" as he boards through the office car park.

"Slow down, Ned," Security Guard Seb cautions.

"Can't! Gotta get to 88 miles per hour! Doc! Doc!!"

A hospitalised Ned winks at the attending nurse. "At least I didn't get to the part where my mum tries to sleep with me!"

"Eat your soup, Ned."

[Glebe]

"Who remembers The Haunting of Hill House?," Born in 2002 Tim asks Cusp of the Millennium Mike.

"Yeah, that was great - have you seen the follow-up, The Haunting of Bly Manor?"

"Fuck, how did that pass me by? Looking forward to it... it's 2018 all over again, total nostalgia!"

A completely bewildered Ned wisely remains quite, recalling The Clifton House Mystery and thinking, "Fuck me, I'm old." But the warm memory causes a smile to flit across his lips nonetheless.

[Glebe]

The office does a fancy dress Friday for Halloween, Ned is spotted on his desk dressed in garish gym wear, listening to a Walkman and doing an '80s robot dance. "Nostalgia for '80s in full effect!" thinks Ned.

[Glebe]

"You guys ever hear of Rentaghost?"

"No, let's have a look..."

New Millennium Mark looks it up on Wiki.

"Heh, that sound's like a fun show... oh, it says here that Russell Brand and Ben Stiller were involved in plans for a remake which obviously never came to fruition!"

"Wow! They're great them two... in 'the things that they are in'".

Meanwhile, Snowflake Sara has looked it up on YouTube. As the classic theme tune blasts out, Ned suddenly goes into a hypnotic trance and starts to do a funny jester prance on his desk... just as the boss walks in.

"Ned, you really are fired this time. Okay, back to work you lot."

[frajer]

Meanwhile, Snowflake Sara has looked it up on YouTube. As the classic theme tune blasts out, Ned suddenly goes into a hypnotic trance and starts to do a funny jester prance on his desk... just as the boss walks in.

"Ned, you really are fired this time. Okay, back to work you lot."

"No wait, you don't understand boss! I was freebasing Rentaghost and the spirit took a hold o' me!"

"Oh well Ned, that changes everything."

"Does it?"

"No."

[Glebe]

"No wait, you don't understand boss! I was freebasing Rentaghost and the spirit took a hold o' me!"

"Oh well Ned, that changes everything."

"Does it?"

"No."

After getting the sack, Ned decides to move into event organizing... "For a party be a smarty and hire... RentaNed!"

[frajer]

After getting the sack, Ned decides to move into event organizing... "For a party be a smarty and hire... RentaNed!"

RentaNed staff uniform:
* Tuxedo t-shirt
* Neon deely boppers
* A smile
* Plain black trousers (no jeans)

"Ned, why did I find this in the office photocopier?"
"Because I'm the new Wolf of Bloody Wall Street. Why ya gotta flex so hard, boss?"

[Glebe]

RentaNed staff uniform:
* Tuxedo t-shirt
* Neon deely boppers
* A smile
* Plain black trousers (no jeans)

"Ned, why did I find this in the office photocopier?"
"Because I'm the new Wolf of Bloody Wall Street. Why ya gotta flex so hard, boss?"

Ned takes out a hundred quid note, scrunches it up and throws it in his boss' litter basket.

"Ned, what are you doing?"

"I'm gonna be rich as fuckity fuck soon, so why the fuck not? Hey, know where I can get a coupla dwarfs to toss? HEY EVERYBODY, LET'S GET THIS PARDY STARTED!"

[Glebe]

"Borat! Is nice! Borat! Is nice!"

"Pipe down, Ned."

[frajer]

"Borat! Is nice! Borat! Is nice!"

"Pipe down, Ned."

"Yeah baby, I will ba-by, for one million dollars! Wayne's World!"

"You know we need to submit this report by end of week, Ned."

"Ssssssssmokin!"

"Christ."

[Glebe]

"Guys, did you see Richard Madeley dressed as Ali G? Funniest thing ever!"

"Hold still, Ned. It's time for your seditive."

[frajer]

"Guys, did you see Richard Madeley dressed as Ali G? Funniest thing ever!"

"Hold still, Ned. It's time for your seditive."

"Yeah good shout. I'mma take a disco nap."

[Glebe]

Ned finally decides to have Wi-Fi installed in his house. "It's taking too long for those naked pictures of Lucy Pinder to download onto my screen!"

[frajer]

"Heyo! Notice anything different, work fam?"

"You're wearing a big fluorescent bum bag with 'Hedgehogs Have Big Pricks' written on it, Ned."

"Oh what, this old thing?! Ebay, mate! This stuff doesn't just happen, you know!"

"Weren't you fired...?"

But Neddy is already onto the next desk clump! "Notice anything etc. etc."

[Glebe]

Ned can play Sting's 'Seven Days' on the clarinet.

[Glebe]

"Big fan of Tupac. Big fan. Hey, are they making a new series of Buffy?"

[frajer]

"Borat 2! God, the first one only came out yesterday!"

"Fourteen years ago now Ned."

".... Like tears in rain."

[Glebe]

Ned's favourite rap song is "Blue Dabbin' Deebah".

[Glebe]

Gary's with the Work Fam.

"Hey guys, in a way I'm like the dad of this dysfunctional family, heh!"

"More like the granddad," mutters Bratty Barney.

There are a couple of spontaneous chuckles, then an uncomfortable silence settles on the desk nest.

Five minutes later, Ned is still quietly fuming.

[Glebe]

It's lunch break in the office. Ned is munching away on his cheesy Wotsits when Millennium Martin pipes up.

"Anyone know when Who is back?"

"I think there's something coming at Christmas," reckons Pop Culture Pete.

"What's Who, lads?"

"Doctor Who, Ned," Vapourwave Victoria clarifies.

"Doctor Who?! Oh fuck, you lot are not into that childish rubbish, are you? That's just for saddoes, that is! I mean, GET-A-FUCKING-LIFE! Pfft! Right, I'm going to pop down the shop to see if the latest Nuts is in yet. Bye, losers!"

[Glebe]

With the Work Fam.

"Guys, you seen Mad Max?"

"Oh yeah," chirps OK Boomer Oliver, "the guy hanging off the front of the truck playing the flamethrower guitar is cool!"

"Eh?! That's not in it! I'm talking about the classic 1979 movie that launched Mel Gibson's career!"

"Never heard of that. I'm talking about Mad Max: Fury Road, with Tom Hardy."

Ned immediately gets up and storms violently out of the office.

[frajer]

Ned buys himself a Razor A5 Lux Scooter for adults.

"Cor, Razor!" he thinks. "Slicin' through the commute like a young buck! I mean, like a me!"

Ned arrives at work 2 hours late and aggressively shrugs at his boss. "I GOT CRAMP, HAPPY NOW?"

[Glebe]

Ned buys himself a Razor A5 Lux Scooter for adults.

"Cor, Razor!" he thinks. "Slicin' through the commute like a young buck! I mean, like a me!"

Ned arrives at work 2 hours late and aggressively shrugs at his boss. "I GOT CRAMP, HAPPY NOW?"

His bad mood continues throughout the day, with the afternoon spent "throwing shade" at Vaporwave Vic over her "modern lifestyle choices".

[Glebe]

For Halloween, Ned decides to dress up as the faceless woman from The Haunting of Bly Manor - "I'm bang up to date now!" - but he forgets about the restrictions and just sits in his flat dressed like that getting drunk on his own with The First Purge. "I should have made eyeholes in this thing, can't see the bloody film but I CANNOT COMPROMISE NOW!"