Still Not Accepting Middle-Age Ned: Back in the Girdle!

[frajer]

For Halloween, Ned decides to dress up as the faceless woman from The Haunting of Bly Manor - "I'm bang up to date now!" - but he forgets about the restrictions and just sits in his flat dressed like that getting drunk on his own with The First Purge. "I should have made eyeholes in this thing, can't see the bloody film but I CANNOT COMPROMISE NOW!"

Knock, knock! "Trick or treat!"

"My time to shine!" Ned leaps up from the couch but inadvertently watched every Purge film thinking the credits were just ad breaks, so his legs have gone to sleep and he faceplants through his coffee table.

"Now I'm really scary," he chuckles, but the paramedic tells him to try not to speak.

[frajer]

"What were you thinking when you bought that tie? Epic fail!
Where'd you get that haircut? The barbershop run by Stevie Wonder? Epic fail!
Is that the way a grown man walks these days, is it? Epic fail!"

"The only epic fail around here Ned is you using that outmoded 'youth' phraseology."

"Haha ZING! That's the spirit! Epic success!"

[Glebe]

"You had ONE job!"

Ned is talking to himself in his hall mirror after getting the sack again, this time for playing drinking games during office hours. Every time anyone mentioned anything that Ned did not understand, he had to take a shot of Jägermeister.

"Alright Ned, shouting at the mirror again?" asks Ned's flatmate, Thirty-Odd Tony.

"Yes, Tony. I had ONE job! That's what all the kids are saying!"

Ned drinks the last of the Jägermeister and collapes.

[Glebe]

"GUFFAW!"

Ned's flatmate, the aforementioned Thirty-Odd Tony is baffled. That's the third "GUFFAW!" he's heard from the living room in the last ten minutes. So he let's the rice simmer and goes to investigate.

"Gary, is that you going 'GUFFAW!'"

"GUFFAW! Oh, yes Tony, I'm watching modern comedy It's Always Sunny in That Philadelphia, but I don't know when to laugh so I just occasionally go 'GUFFAW!' But, er, it's really hip, y'know? Rolling on the floor laughing! GUFFAW!"

[frajer]

"GUFFAW!"

Ned's flatmate, the aforementioned Thirty-Odd Tony is baffled. That's the third "GUFFAW!" he's heard from the living room in the last ten minutes. So he let's the rice simmer and goes to investigate.

"Gary, is that you going 'GUFFAW!'"

"GUFFAW! Oh, yes Tony, I'm watching modern comedy It's Always Sunny in That Philadelphia, but I don't know when to laugh so I just occasionally go 'GUFFAW!' But, er, it's really hip, y'know? Rolling on the floor laughing! GUFFAW!"

"Danny DeVito starts hanging out with them to try and recapture his youth but it's hilarious because he's so old and doesn't get what they're on about. How embarrassing!"

Thirty-Odd Tony and Millennial Martin share a look.

[Glebe]

"Danny DeVito starts hanging out with them to try and recapture his youth but it's hilarious because he's so old and doesn't get what they're on about. How embarrassing!"

Thirty-Odd Tony and Millennial Martin share a look.

"Just like somebody we know," whispers Tony, a bit too loudly.

"What?! Oh yeah, you mean that old guy down the road that dresses like he's twenty! Saaaaaad!!"

[frajer]

"Just like somebody we know," whispers Tony, a bit too loudly.

"What?! Oh yeah, you mean that old guy down the road that dresses like he's twenty! Saaaaaad!!"

"Steady on, Ned. Mid-Life Crisis Mick's pretty cool."

Ned folds his arms and pouts. You won't be able to get a word out of him until he's had his nightly Smirnoff Ice.

[Glebe]

Ned borrows the Apocalypse Now 4K blu-ray off High-Def Harry from the office, but he doesn't know how to set up the expensive 4K player and telly he bought so he ends up watching his VHS of Ghostwatch instead.

[frajer]

Ned dresses up as Dirty Harry for the Halloween office bash in a perfect replica of Clint's shirt, V-neck, tie and blazer.

"You not dressing up, Ned?" enquiries In-Her-Twenties Isobel.

Ned squints. "Punk."

[Glebe]

Ned dresses up as Dirty Harry for the Halloween office bash in a perfect replica of Clint's shirt, V-neck, tie and blazer.

"You not dressing up, Ned?" enquiries In-Her-Twenties Isobel.

Ned squints. "Punk."

"Did I fire six shots or only five?"

"The police and ambulance are on their way!"

[frajer]

"Did I fire six shots or only five?"

"The police and ambulance are on their way!"

"Ned - you're fired!"

"Heh! Cracking reference boss, but I'm Dirty Harry not Robocop!"

"Get the fuck out of here Ned, you maniac!"

[Glebe]

"Alright sir, the young lady has decided not to press charges."

"What?! I thought that whole thing was sorted out months ago!"

"Eh?! No sir, I'm talking about the paint gun incident at your workplace tonight."

"Oh... yes, yes, of course!"

[frajer]

Ned buys a drone.

Fifteen dead.

[Glebe]

Ned buys a drone.

Fifteen dead.

"It's not my fault if Fisher Price are putting faulty goods on the market!"

[frajer]

"It's not my fault if Fisher Price are putting faulty goods on the market!"

"You're all just jealous cos the footage I filmed got a million views on the YouTube. I know a lot of it was blurred out because of the decapitations but I'm still a sensation. I'm trending."

[frajer]

"Bet you're happy cassette tapes are making a mild comeback, eh Ned?"

"They never went away, fucko!"

[Glebe]

Ned goes into Curry's and asks for "them blue movies."

[frajer]

Ned goes into Curry's and asks for "them blue movies."

"Sorry, sir?"

"The blue stuff. The ones that work with lasers. They fire it into your brain with a laser. I thought you worked here?"

[Glebe]

"Sorry, sir?"

"The blue stuff. The ones that work with lasers. They fire it into your brain with a laser. I thought you worked here?"

"Come on mate, you know what I mean. Hand 'em over. I'm getting anxious now. Don't fuck with me!"

[Glebe]

"Wait. You mean blu-ray movies, mate?"

"YES! That's what I've been trying to tell you! The ones with the blue rays coming out of them!"

[frajer]

"Wait. You mean blu-ray movies, mate?"

"YES! That's what I've been trying to tell you! The ones with the blue rays coming out of them!"

"Right. Feels like we're finally getting somewhere, now you've had your sport with me!" Ned upends a bin liner full of uncased VHS onto the counter. "How long will it take to upscale these? I'll wait."

[Glebe]

"Somebody said something about MPEGs. Is that actual pegs or does it involve something with the computers? I work on a computer myself, but my boss has kindly modified it to be a BBC Micro for me."

[Glebe]

"Hey guys, life's a beach! Talk to hand 'cos the face ain't listening! I brake for hippies!"

No reaction.

"Fuck my life."

[Glebe]

Ned's boss comes in to the office to find Ned playing Wipeout for Windows 95.

"Ned, have you finished that sales report yet?"

"Yeah, bro."

[frajer]

Ned's boss comes in to the office to find Ned playing Wipeout for Windows 95.

"Ned, have you finished that sales report yet?"

"Yeah, bro."

"Oh great, how did it all look from a year-end perspective?"

".................. Decent."

[Glebe]

As a thank you for his employees coming in during the pandemic, Ned's boss installs a vintage Donkey Kong arcade machine in the canteen. Ned is absolutely beside himself.

"Shit just got real."

[frajer]

As a thank you for his employees coming in during the pandemic, Ned's boss installs a vintage Donkey Kong arcade machine in the canteen. Ned is absolutely beside himself.

"Shit just got real."

Top score screen within a week reads:

NED
NED
NED
NED
TIM
NED
NED
NED

Ned glowers at Tim across the canteen. "Looks like a bitch wants to dance."

[Glebe]

Top score screen within a week reads:

NED
NED
NED
NED
TIM
NED
NED
NED

Ned glowers at Tim across the canteen. "Looks like a bitch wants to dance."

The following week:

NED
NED
NED
NED
NED
NED
NED
TIM

"BOOM! Mike drop! Step too me, bitches, I double-dare yah!"

[frajer]

"Love the classic grey PSOne hoodie Ned, very retro!"

"Retro?! Fuck's sake!"

[Glebe]

"Guys look, I got the new issue of Playstation magazine!"

"Don't think that's the new issue Ned, Medievil remake on the cover," notes Gamer George.

"Remake?!"

"Yeah, they... wait a minute, that's the original Medievil! Ned, where did you buy that magazine?"

"The second-hand shop down the alley around the corner! It's a bit tatty for a new issue, but it was only 20p!"