Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 01:24:40 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Still Not Accepting Middle-Age Ned: Back in the Girdle!

Started by Glebe, July 26, 2020, 12:40:02 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

Ned tries to convince everyone he has early memories of Rosie and Jim, but he's not fooling anyone.

"You'd have been in y'twenties when that came along, Ned," notes Late-20s Len.

"You young lot think y'know everything, dontcha?" snaps Ned angrily. "Just because I'm one of the old guard doesn't mean I'm not hip to modern classics such as Balamory!"

Glebe

"Here Vic, have my last Rolo... soft, creamy toffee in a milk chocolate cup!"

Ned fired again, this time for sexual harassment.

Glebe

"Ned, where's that sales report I asked you for last week?"

"FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!"

"He's in the mid-nineties now, Boss," explains Late-20s Len.

Glebe

Late-20s Len notices a Count Duckula DVD sticking out of Ned's rucksack.

"Count Duckula, what's that like, Ned?"

Ned splutters in response. "A vampire duck. David Jason. Cosgrove Hall. I mean come on mate, put two and two together, it's fucking incredible!"

frajer

"Who's Cosgrove Hall, Ned?" Len asks innocently.

"Oh you're just on the wind-up now, Leonard!"

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on January 20, 2021, 12:03:16 PM"Who's Cosgrove Hall, Ned?" Len asks innocently.

"Oh you're just on the wind-up now, Leonard!"

"They also made Danger Mouse!"

"What, the musician and singer?"

Ned is beside himself with rage.

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on January 20, 2021, 01:58:54 PM
"They also made Danger Mouse!"

"What, the musician and singer?"

Ned is beside himself with rage.

"Penfold! Colonel K! Baron flipping Greenback! This is basic stuff, Len!! Right, leave it with me."

Ned spends the next day and a half compiling an intricate and engaging slideshow presentation and manages to link in the office's antiquated comms system to a dedicated Zoom channel, also broadcasting simultaneously on Skype and Teams.

A flabbergasted Boss pulls him to one side. "How did you do this, Ned?"

"Danger Mouse is my boy, Boss. I'd pull it out the bag for that little champ anytime."

"Right. Right. Shame you spent a day and a half of the company's time on Danger Mouse and lost two clients. You are, of course, fired."

"Cor, Boss, you're a proper Greenback!"

"Let's not, Ned."

Glebe

"He's the greatest secret agent in the world!"

"Come along quietly, Ned. Come along quietly."

frajer

Ned comes into work full of beans. "Look at me, rocking up at my desk by 9. Could I be any more punctual?"

Late-20s Lenny chortles. "Haha, you are a bit of a Chandler, Ned."

Ned rounds on him, boggle-eyed. "You know Friends?!"

Vaporwave Vic scoots over in her chair. "We all do, Ned. It's as popular now as it was in the Nineties, maybe even more so thanks to Netflix."

"Buhhhhhh?!?"

Boss walks over. He looks at his watch, then at the assembled workers and coughs pointedly. "So...." He breaks into a broad grin. "Has Ross got his monkey yet?"

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!!" Ned's are basically on stalks and he is so overcome with joy he falls backwards off his chair.

The work fam all look at each other, shrug and laugh but really good-naturedly. "Oh, Ned!"

*Fade out on this happy tableau as the Friends theme kicks in*

Glebe

"Guys, I get it. To you lot, Worzel Gummidge and Emu's All Live Pink Windmill Show are like Bill and Ben and Muffin the Mule to me as a kid, going to me parents, "What's that all about?" But I don't want to create a negative atmosphere in here, so let's kick things up a notch.

Ned presses PLAY on his CD boombox and The Pointer Sisters' 'Jump (For My Love)' starts to play. Ned climbs atop the Desk Nest and starts to sing and dance along.

"Jump! For my love! Jump in! And feel my touch!"

"Go on Ned, do y'moonwalk!" cheers Boss.

"He'll be doing 'is robot, next!" suggests Millennial Mick.

frajer

Ned brings in glowsticks for everyone as a Friday treat.

He was vaguely worried someone would crack one open and gulp it down, thinking it was a sci-fi future drink - but no-one does!

Glebe

The Boss asks everyone to record a video message for a company recruitment video. Ned records his on a disc that will only play on his old computer. Everyone gathers around as Ned presses play.

The video shows a grass verge outside the building. Suddenly, Ned appears dressed as Ali G.

"Yo, young people! Just left school? Looking for a lowly, undemanding office job? Well have I got the job for YOU - y'get me?! BOOYAKASHA!"

Glebe

"Any sign of Ned today?"

"Nah Mick, not a sausage," answers Len.

"Oh hi Boss!"

"Hi Vic... er, guys, I have some bad news. Ned was killed this morning attempting to recreate Frank Spencer's incredible roller-skating journey in depressing 1970's sitcom Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. I have prepared an elegy for him in remembrance:

Ned was one of a kind
Quick to anger
But quick to laughter

Stop all the clocks

He was my north, my south,
My east, my west
My working week
And m'Sunday best

He-"

"Phew, hi guys! Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated! Ooh, Betty!

Glebe

Ned comes into the office wearing some tattered old clothes, including an old cap. He is wearing gloves, using a walking stick, has grown a moustache and is wearing NHS specs.

"Boss, I've decided to retire. It's about time I accepted my age. I've a decent pension to claim, and will use it to settle down in the dales and have gently-humorous adventures with some old friends!"

"That sound's a bit like Last of the Summer Wine," notes Late-20s Len, who has been listening in.

"Yeah, good to see the new crowd recognising the old guard, but it's time to go, Len. It's time to go."

IS THIS THE END OF NED'S ADVENTURES? STAY TUNED!