Still Not Accepting Middle-Age Ned: Back in the Girdle!

[frajer]

"I get knocked DOWN. But I get UP AGAIN. You're never gonna keep me down!"

"Ned, that's the fourth time, could you just answer your phone please?"

[Glebe]

"I get knocked DOWN. But I get UP AGAIN. You're never gonna keep me down!"

"Ned, that's the fourth time, could you just answer your phone please?"

"Time to change my ringtone... something by Keane?"

[frajer]

"Time to change my ringtone... something by Keane?"

"Look, just put it on vibrate. Most people do these days."
Ned goes ashen. "Vibrate? Vibrate. No problem-o. Be back in a sec, I've just got to Ask Jeeves something."

[Glebe]

"REO Speedwagon or Chicago... choices, choices!"

[Glebe]

"Look, just put it on vibrate. Most people do these days."
Ned goes ashen. "Vibrate? Vibrate. No problem-o. Be back in a sec, I've just got to Ask Jeeves something."

"Fucking dial-up is so-slow. Can't wait till they bring in proper fibrebands!"

[Glebe]

"There you go sir, large moccachino and two cinnemon buns."

"Cheers mate. Em, are you going to any raves later?"

"What?"

[frajer]

"Where's the beef?"
"Em I dunno. Probably in the freezer, Ned."
"No no, WHERE'S THE BEEF?"
"Have you looked in the freezer, Ned?"
"........ Yeah I did but it wasn't there. Catch ya on the flippity-flop."
Ned spends lunch in his car.

[Glebe]

"I was all about fashion at one stage, you know. Used to roll up the ends of my jeans, hit the streets and 'swagger'. It was the raising of the eyebrow and I could have any fit bird in the disco!"

[Glebe]

Ned's prize possession? "A disposable camera photo of me and Teddy Sheringham getting pissed backstage at a Blur show! Man, those were the days! Yes, that is a copy of Loaded Denise van Outen is holding in the background there! So '90s!"

[Glebe]

"There's a new thing the kids are saying now - 'chill axe!' I'm just going to 'chill axe', whatever that means!"

[Glebe]

"I kissed a girl and I liked it!" Another Bacardi Breezer, Mike! It is Mike, isn't it? George? Sorry. Pub is pretty empty tonight, isn't it?

ONE YEAR LATER.

"MIKE! SORRY, GEORGE! OPEN UP! FUCK THE RESTRICTIONS!"

[Glebe]

Ned is having breakfast in a hotel.

"How are your Bran Flakes, sir?"

"THEY'RE TASTY TASTY VERY VERY TASTY... THEY'RE VERY TASTY!"

"Please sir, have some consideration for the other diners, don't sing-shout your reply!"

"Oh come on, you set that up for me! You've seen the ad, haven't you?"

"No."

"Oh for fuck's sake... go on, get me a grapefruit."

"OK boomer."

[frajer]

Ned wears a face mask with "I'm Eating Out" written over the image of a waggly pink cartoon tongue and within 20 mins is told to replace it it with something more workplace appropriate.

"But I've ordered 1500 of these! I didn't realise the Covid had spread to all of your funny bones."

[Glebe]

"Gotta say, I'm a big fan of Theresa May! She's like Margaret Thatcher for the 21st Century! 'Is there nothing that she cannae do', heh! That's from Supergran, 'member that? What do you mean 'Theresa May is no longer Prime Minister?' Sigh... life is moving too fast for me now!"

[Glebe]

"Guys, really dig all that crazy rock 'n' roll music, daddio! Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, Bill Haley and the Comets, even far-out stuff like Eddie Cochran... oh fuck I've lost it completely. I've lost it completely... I'd tell all my friends but they'd never believe me... they'd think that I'd finally lost it completely... that's Radiohead! I've got my modern mojo back!"

[petril]

"Guys, really dig all that crazy rock 'n' roll music, daddio! Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, Bill Haley and the Comets, even far-out stuff like Eddie Cochran...

and that other cunt Bill Haley

[Glebe]

Ned walks into Nando's dressed as MC Hammer. "Yo, real cool, see? Gimme a double-chicken and don't hold on the spice!"

[Glebe]

"Anyone fancy coming around to mine after work? Sega Genesis, few Kalibers, family bag of Monster Munch... fuck the restrictions."

[Glebe]

"I've thrown out all my CDs and I'm upgrading to iPod. The Prodigy, Stereolab, Squarepusher, they're all going on it - I AM MODERN!"

[frajer]

Ned starts recording his memos into his phone while on his evening walks.
"Sounds like you've accidentally started a podcast, Ned," chortles a colleague.
"I haven't, have I?" Ned smiles as tears build in his eyes. "Oh my giddy aunt, I've done a podcast!" His expression turns earnest. "Is it... charting?"

[Glebe]

Ned starts recording his memos into his phone while on his evening walks.
"Sounds like you've accidentally started a podcast, Ned," chortles a colleague.
"I haven't, have I?" Ned smiles as tears build in his eyes. "Oh my giddy aunt, I've done a podcast!" His expression turns earnest. "Is it... charting?"

"You have to put it online first, Ned," explains Thirty-Something Terrance.

"Can somebody do that for me?"

"I'll do it, Ned," confirms Good-with-Computers-Gerald.

"Great! So you connect my phone to the computer, or-"

"Do you have Bluetooth?"

Ned stares into thin air for some time.

"What?!"

[Glebe]

"Easy, Boomer... you can do this!"

Ned is getting surprisingly good at Red Dead Redemption 2, so much so that he takes a week off work to submerge himself in it and tells the wife she and her new partner can have the lad this weekend, even though it's his turn.

[Glebe]

"I remember the old days... Atari, Wham!, Thatcher, Birds Eye Steakhouse Grills... 34, I was. Whoops, shouldn't have admitted that."

[Glebe]

Ned memorizes whole chunks of Futurama so he can quote it in the office. "I'll be the hippest guy in the room by Friday!"

[Glebe]

"Just learned how to post images on Facebook... gonna Rick and Morty meme it till the break of dawn! Never seen RaM, but it's hip and I'm not missing the boat!"

[Glebe]

Ned passes Jimmy the Janitor when he clocks out.

"Hey Jim, there's this new thing the kids are saying now... 'hang tough!' So 'hang tough' Jimmy!"

"See you next Tuesday, Ned!"

"Eh? Aren't you working the rest of the week?"

"CUNT!"

[Glebe]

Ned is in a hotel lift with a mate. "That's a cracking melody - that the new one from Coldplay?"

"No Ned, it's just elevator muzak. Just elevator muzak."

[Glebe]

Just 'bling-watched' all of Picard, season one! Hold on to your horses millennials, this boomer's raving it up big stylee!"

[Glebe]

"Guys, I ain't bovverin' wiv spreadsheets no more. 'Cos that's how The Neddie rolls, dawg!"

[Glebe]

"Pfff, DVDs are so old hat... y'gotta 'stream'! That's what I say to people now... when y'want to watch a movie, 'stream' it, man!"