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Still Not Accepting Middle-Age Ned: Back in the Girdle!

Started by Glebe, July 26, 2020, 12:40:02 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 05:01:41 AM
"Pfff, DVDs are so old hat... y'gotta 'stream'! That's what I say to people now... when y'want to watch a movie, 'stream' it, man!"

"Just be careful you don't go looking for a stream and accidentally find a 'torrent', eh Ned?" remarks Late-Twenties Lenny.
Ned stares at him for a full 30 seconds. "Yes."

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 09, 2020, 09:00:47 AM"Just be careful you don't go looking for a stream and accidentally find a 'torrent', eh Ned?" remarks Late-Twenties Lenny.
Ned stares at him for a full 30 seconds. "Yes."

"Maybe torrents are big stream-loads that eat up gigawumps?" muses Ned to himself. "I'll Goggle it later."

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 09:11:47 AM
"Maybe torrents are big stream-loads that eat up gigawumps?" muses Ned to himself. "I'll Goggle it later."

Later at his desk Ned types 'torrents?' into Google and spends most of the morning clicking on interesting links.

"Ned, have you got a minute?" his manager sighs. "IT have just had me on the phone."

"Well, that's good timing! My computer has just done several whoopsies!"

Glebe

Ned has often fantasied about "bustin' a move" down the precinct. But he has never been brave enough to actually do it.

Until today.

"Officer, those kids called me a paedo!"

"Just move along, sir. You're upsetting the shoppers."

Glebe

Ned brings his old Simon electronic game into the office to impress the millennials. "It's not mint condition, but man, the joy I got out of this in my twenties uh I mean as a toddler!"

Glebe

Ned skateboards into Marks & Sparks with his Oasis cap on backwards and in a pair of big, baggy shorts. "Yo, what up, m'people? What kinda produce be good to be procurin' today?"

Glebe

Ned gatecrashes another millennial Zoom meetup.

"Guys, can I just shock you? Guess who my favourite pop group is? The Maroon Five! I'd love to see them in concert when this bloody flu conspiracy goes away!"

Glebe

"I'm over fifty, I drink Tango, love Mumford & Sons and am a big fan of Russell Howard. Who's the fuddy-duddy now, eh?"

Glebe

Ned is on lunch break with the office millennials.

"Guys, m'favourite Bond is Craig. You're probably thinking, "he'll say Dalton or Brosnan," but no. I'm bang up to date, me. Cor, these Dairylea Dunkers are smashing!"

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on October 13, 2020, 11:31:38 AM
Ned is on lunch break with the office millennials.

"Guys, m'favourite Bond is Craig. You're probably thinking, "he'll say Dalton or Brosnan," but no. I'm bang up to date, me. Cor, these Dairylea Dunkers are smashing!"

"And do you know who I think the next Bond should be? The answer might surprise you, but I've started binge-viewing this show 'Wire in the Blood' and let's just say a chap called Idris Melba should be fitted for a tux ASAP!"

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 13, 2020, 12:49:18 PM"And do you know who I think the next Bond should be? The answer might surprise you, but I've started binge-viewing this show 'Wire in the Blood' and let's just say a chap called Idris Melba should be fitted for a tux ASAP!"

"I know I used the term nig-nogs yesterday but that was just ironical."

frajer

"What's everyone going as for Halloween? I'm gonna be that guy from Mick and Ronnie!"
"Do you mean Rick and Morty, Ned?"
"Whichever the crazy scientist guy is! He cracks me up. Imagine being that old. It's gonna take so much make-up to make me look that old. Pffft."

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 13, 2020, 05:16:48 PM
"What's everyone going as for Halloween? I'm gonna be that guy from Mick and Ronnie!"
"Do you mean Rick and Morty, Ned?"
"Whichever the crazy scientist guy is! He cracks me up. Imagine being that old. It's gonna take so much make-up to make me look that old. Pffft."

"He's always drunk and the child is an idiot!"

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on October 13, 2020, 05:33:02 PM
"He's always drunk and the child is an idiot!"

"Time to get into character, eh, squad?"
"Is that a hip-flask, Ned?"
"No diggity! Just don't narc to the squares and we'll all be buzzing this afternoon."
Ned falls asleep at his desk once more.

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 13, 2020, 05:41:34 PM"Time to get into character, eh, squad?"
"Is that a hip-flask, Ned?"
"No diggity! Just don't narc to the squares and we'll all be buzzing this afternoon."
Ned falls asleep at his desk once more.

"NED! NED! You're fired!"

frajer


Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 13, 2020, 06:33:18 PMIt's a long, lonely skateboard home for Neddy :-(

The next morning, he takes the trike out and trundles up to the dole office.

Quote from: Glebe on October 09, 2020, 10:33:15 AM
Ned has often fantasied about "bustin' a move" down the precinct. But he has never been brave enough to actually do it.

Until today.

"Officer, those kids called me a paedo!"


"All I said was that I'm gonna bust my nut up in their face"

Glebe

"Guys, gotta shock ya'll again - the new Star Wars is my favourite Star Wars!"

"What, The Rise of Skywalker?"

"Eh, what's that? No, Phantom's Menace!"

"Look Ned mate you mentioned Baby Yoda in an earlier post, now you think The Phantom Menace is the latest Star Wars film. At least try and be a consistent character, mate."

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on October 14, 2020, 10:30:39 AM
"Guys, gotta shock ya'll again - the new Star Wars is my favourite Star Wars!"

"What, The Rise of Skywalker?"

"Eh, what's that? No, Phantom's Menace!"

"Look Ned mate you mentioned Baby Yoda in an earlier post, now you think The Phantom Menace is the latest Star Wars film. At least try and be a consistent character, mate."

"My previous favourite Star Wars was when Darth Blade yelled "Who's your daddy?!" at the blonde Stormtrooper. They don't make 'em like they used to... emmm by which I mean they make them better, of course!

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 14, 2020, 11:41:14 AM"My previous favourite Star Wars was when Darth Blade yelled "Who's your daddy?!" at the blonde Stormtrooper. They don't make 'em like they used to... emmm by which I mean they make them better, of course!

"I mean, I'm jazzing that up a bit. But y'know, y'gotta stay current with the lingo. Rad!"

Glebe

Ned breaks down during a visit with his therapist.

"The truth is, I am generally unfamiliar with everything post-2010," he bawls. "It's such a struggle to stay up to date - everything is constantly changing!"

"THAT IS THE END OF THE SESSION MR. NED. YOU MUST BOOK ANOTHER SESSION IF YOU WISH TO CONTINUE THIS DISCOURSE. PLEASE REMEMBER TO PAY AT MY SECRETARY'S DESK, VISA AND MASTERCARD EXCEPTED."

"What?! Hang on, your a robot, aren't you! I knew it! THE FUTURE IS HERE ALREADY!"

frajer

Ned wakes up in a cold sweat.

"I dreamt of robots again," he says into his cassette Dictaphone.

Outside a siren wails, grows closer, and passes. Ned shivers and goes and makes himself a bowl of Reece's Puffs.

He instantly feels better, in the way only produce from the American Import section of Sainsbury's can make him feel. Can't get more up-to-date and relevant than the good U.S. of A! He imagines himself sharing a beach-house with Pamela Anderson. He's waxing his surfboard. She smiles as she passes him.

"Don't forget to hang ten, Ned!" she purrs.

"I won't!" Ned says into the silence of his kitchen.
"I won't."

Glebe

"Never understood the appeal of that Monty's Python, but gotta say, I'm a big fan of some of young, up-and coming comics, like Richie Jervis!"

"You mean Ricky Gervais, Ned?"

"Yeah, that's him! Love when he does the dance in the office!"

"That's the only thing you've seen, isn't it?"

"Yes."

Glebe

Another Zoom meet with the millennials.

"Guys, I'm real up with the environment, see. I don't use any CFC sprays and don't use anything with palm oil!"

"Well I'm glad to hear it," reacts Twenty-Odd Tony. I've been in your gaff a couple of times in the past and noticed you used Palmolive soap. You've obviously changed brands since then, Ned?"

Long pause.

"Yes. Bye."

Ned immediately logs off.

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on October 16, 2020, 10:03:04 AM
Another Zoom meet with the millennials.

"Guys, I'm real up with the environment, see. I don't use any CFC sprays and don't use anything with palm oil!"

"Well I'm glad to hear it," reacts Twenty-Odd Tony. I've been in your gaff a couple of times in the past and noticed you used Palmolive soap. You've obviously changed brands since then, Ned?"

Long pause.

"Yes. Bye."

Ned immediately logs off.

Ned is seen by a neighbour pushing his Palmolive soap down a grate and running back indoors.

Ned logs back in, out of breath and concerned. "Can I still use running water or am I fucking over the fish?"

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on October 16, 2020, 10:12:06 AMNed is seen by a neighbour pushing his Palmolive soap down a grate and running back indoors.

Ned logs back in, out of breath and concerned. "Can I still use running water or am I fucking over the fish?"

He immediately runs out and buys a gross of Dove soap, but later regrets it - "'Dove won't dry your skin like soap can' - yeah, it'll bring your skin out in an itchy rash instead, cunts!"

Glebe

Ned attempts to future-proof himself by pre-ordering a 16K TV and investing in the world's first holographic computer.

Glebe

Ned rollerblades into his boss' office wearing a tie dye t-shirt and sporting a sort of giant, purple hat.

"You wanted to see me?"

frajer

"Yes Ned, have a seat would you?"

Ned points finger guns at his rollerblades. "Not happening, hombre."

"Ned sit down or you're fired, again."

"Then I guess just call me "fired", boss-man. Pew pew! Ned out."

Ned skates backwards with alarming speed into a large potplant, then falls face-first into a framed photo of the deceased Mrs. Boss. "AY CARUMBA!"