How To Build A Girl (2020 Caitlin Moran film)

[dissolute ocelot]

I remember Naked City less for Caitlin Moran and more for Andrew Collins and Stuart Maconie doing a supposedly humorous segment called 'The Hipster's Guide' that died on its arse every single week. I don't think Naked City was live, was it? If it wasn't I have no idea why they kept that in the edit, literally not a solitary audience member laughing and flop sweat dripping off the pair as they started talking faster to get the fucking thing over with. "Probably want to drop that The Hipster's Guide thing, it was a disaster, no one laughed once." "Nah, let's have five more of them." Is that in this film of hers?

How come Stuart Maconie doesn't get a fancy movie of his autobiographies? I want to see his heartwarming northern childhood and the hilarious scenes of his life at the NME and Channel 4. (How To Build A Girl sadly ignores Moran's glorious early 90s TV career, probably because it wouldn't fit in with the narrative of her as plucky underdog shat upon by the sexist establishment.)

[Brundle-Fly]

I'd love to hear a Chart Music Podcast review of this film with the whole team on board.

[olliebean]

This is another thing, Emma Thomson is in it literally for 30 seconds, and yet I've seen her get 2nd or 3rd billing.

She's in the trailer for not much less time than that.

[dr beat]

This is making me want to see a series of films about the crazy lives and times of the Chart Music gang. Al's film, the first in the franchise, would of course be called Bummerdog.

Yes! The CMP Cinematic Universe:

- Bummerdog
- Bollockdog
- Taylor Parkes: In Search of Two Man Sound
- Back In Bed with Chris Needham: The Sequel
- The Perils of Simon Price on the Isle of Man (a chase movie where our hero is pursued by Manx police for pissing at the wrong time on a plane, could be a bit like The Prisoner as well)
- The Last Days of The Maker (as proposed by me - Ballad perhaps you could do a cameo playing yourself?)

[holyzombiejesus]

Just watched this and it was so so poor. Toe-curling shit. There are so many bits to single out that were just so bad that it's easier to say that I laughed twice (at Paddy Considine playing drums on a toddlers kit in a hospital and her saying 'scooby dooby doo' on Central News).
For a film about someone who reviews gigs, the concert scenes were the worst depictions of night life since Michael Douglas went to a club in Basic Instinct. Has anyone ever been to a gig where a friend of the singer sits on a chair at the front of the stage?! For a film partly about how thrilling music can be, I can't remember a single note from the soundtrack. The arrogance of Moran describing her time at MM as a shark swimming in a bath tub. She walks round school in a bra. The one decent bloke in the office (surely loosely based on Taylor Parkes) has a really odd out of character snipe towards the end that only seems to be there so the lead can have a rant about how great she is. Bjork in the toilets! The lead's accent!
Such a horrible cold film, whenever you start to feel a bit of warmth towards one of the characters, Moran ensures that the focus is immediately switched to 'herself'. It was like being at a dinner party where whenever someone nice and interesting starts to talk, they get drowned out by some loud-mouthed narcissistic cunt, which is exactly what I imagine a dinner party involving Caitlin Moran to be like. In fact, the main thing I'd take away from this film is that Caitlin Moran is just a really unpleasant cunt.
Was Timmy Towel or whoever the Welsh singer was called, based on anyone we'd know? Think he said he was from Blackwood, which is the Manics' hometown, isn't it?

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

The Last Days of The Maker (as proposed by me - Ballad perhaps you could do a cameo playing yourself?)

They'd blow their entire effects budget on trying to make a balding, jaded, middle-aged man look like a skinny Last Days of the Maker footnote with so much misplaced hope in his eyes. Not worth it. Although I'd happily contribute some minor anecdotes about how much of a cunt Mark Sutherland was.

[Annie Labuntur]

Timmy Towel

Sorry, but the word towel with Caitlin Moran is triggering.

It is hard to lose yourself in the throes of conjugal bliss when you're mentally wondering where you put the catering-sized tub of Stain Devil.

I have to say, after years of fretting, I have found my life improved immeasurably with the purchase of "The Bad Towel" – a cheap, dark-blue bath sheet, to be laid on the "arena of action", and which has become by way of an invitation to love-making. "Cate, what are you doing rootling around in the airing cupboard at midnight?" Pause. "Ah. The Bad Towel. I see."

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

Just watched this and it was so so poor. Toe-curling shit. There are so many bits to single out that were just so bad that it's easier to say that I laughed twice (at Paddy Considine playing drums on a toddlers kit in a hospital and her saying 'scooby dooby doo' on Central News).
For a film about someone who reviews gigs, the concert scenes were the worst depictions of night life since Michael Douglas went to a club in Basic Instinct. Has anyone ever been to a gig where a friend of the singer sits on a chair at the front of the stage?! For a film partly about how thrilling music can be, I can't remember a single note from the soundtrack. The arrogance of Moran describing her time at MM as a shark swimming in a bath tub. She walks round school in a bra. The one decent bloke in the office (surely loosely based on Taylor Parkes) has a really odd out of character snipe towards the end that only seems to be there so the lead can have a rant about how great she is. Bjork in the toilets! The lead's accent!
Such a horrible cold film, whenever you start to feel a bit of warmth towards one of the characters, Moran ensures that the focus is immediately switched to 'herself'. It was like being at a dinner party where whenever someone nice and interesting starts to talk, they get drowned out by some loud-mouthed narcissistic cunt, which is exactly what I imagine a dinner party involving Caitlin Moran to be like. In fact, the main thing I'd take away from this film is that Caitlin Moran is just a really unpleasant cunt.
Was Timmy Towel or whoever the Welsh singer was called, based on anyone we'd know? Think he said he was from Blackwood, which is the Manics' hometown, isn't it?

It's a semi-interesting mess in the sense that, as you say, it provides some startling insight into the psyche of an actual narcissist. Utterly worthless otherwise.

And I agree, you never get the sense that Moran was ever passionate about music. Maybe she was/is, but the way the film is written suggests that music journalism was all just a means to an end. A convenient platform from which she could broadcast her self-obsessed genius to the world. The Manics gig is supposed to be a Damascene moment, but it all rings hollow. There's no sense of "This is what I've been looking for all my life, thrilling music which moves and inspires me", it's more, "I am now where I belong, because I deserve this."

Bjork in the bathroom is hilarious for all the wrong reasons. What the fuck was that? And yeah, nice bloke from the office is presumably an amalgam of Are Taylor and some of the other MM employees who weren't complete tossers (Pricey included, probably). I dunno, it's none of our business really, but then if you will insist on writing a film about your life, then we can't be blamed for speculating.

As for Barry Britpop, God only knows.
 
Anyway, she was perfectly pleasant during the one brief conversation we had in a pub 20 years ago. Adding that for pointless anecdotal balance.

[Annie Labuntur]

And I agree, you never get the sense that Moran was ever passionate about music. Maybe she was/is, but the way the film is written suggests that music journalism was all just a means to an end.

One of that lot who are always going on about Bowie and Prince - "I went to three Prince secret gigs on the trot" (actual quote) - but it feels like they're just showing off.

[Rizla]

Sorry, but the word towel with Caitlin Moran is triggering.

Penis Beaker's Day Off

[holyzombiejesus]

Thought it was a bit dodgy that a 16 year old girl basically being passed around a bunch of men in (presumably, at least) their twenties was presented as just a big laugh.

Wonder if there was a read for the complete absence of narcotics? She acts like an annoying cokehead without taking anything but in retrospect, seems a bit odd that there were no drugs or mentions of them. Would it be a ratings thing?

[idunnosomename]

That a biopic about caitlin moran now exists is just ultimate deso

Looks nowt like her



Also her left incisor is chipped and its annoying me

[SavageHedgehog]

Wonder if there was a read for the complete absence of narcotics? She acts like an annoying cokehead without taking anything but in retrospect, seems a bit odd that there were no drugs or mentions of them. Would it be a ratings thing?

It's rated 15 in the UK and R in the US, both of which allow for quite a bit of drug content. 

[holyzombiejesus]

That a biopic about caitlin moran now exists is just ultimate deso

Looks nowt like her



Also her left incisor is chipped and its annoying me

Isn't she Jonah Hill's sister?

[olliebean]

Looks nowt like her

Looks like she imagines she looks, probably.

[holyzombiejesus]

Fuck, just remembered that after fucking over Terry Towel, the one non-family member who is nice to her, she makes amends by giving him a fanzine where she writes gushingly about him and a box with some of her hair in it. This supposedly represents a turning point for her and shows that she has grown up and become a nicer, less self-obsessed person. The (adult) Terry Towel then says he would like to be the 16 year old girl's best friend.

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

Looks like she imagines she looks, probably.

She's a shit writer, an annoying person, but making fun of her physical appearance is a cunt's trick.

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

Fuck, just remembered that after fucking over Terry Towel, the one non-family member who is nice to her, she makes amends by giving him a fanzine where she writes gushingly about him and a box with some of her hair in it. This supposedly represents a turning point for her and shows that she has grown up and become a nicer, less self-obsessed person. The (adult) Terry Towel then says he would like to be the 16 year old girl's best friend.

Barry Britpop is a funnier name. It just is.

[holyzombiejesus]

He wasn't britpop though. But you can have it anyway, I just genuinely couldn't remember the piss weak character's name.

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

He wasn't britpop though. But you can have it anyway, I just genuinely couldn't remember the piss weak character's name.

Rodney Romo. Neil Wave-of-New-Wave. Dumpy out of Dumpy's Rusty Nuts.

[rue the polywhirl]

That a biopic about caitlin moran now exists is just ultimate deso

Looks nowt like her



Also her left incisor is chipped and its annoying me

Q. How to build a girl.
A. Start again. From scratch. With a different template.

[Jim_MacLaine]

Is Dickensian attire shorthand for 'quirky'[nb]annoying[/nb] in this?

[holyzombiejesus]

The journalists at NME laughed at her because her audition piece was a review of the Annie soundtrack, so she hid under a sink in the toilets and a poster of Bjork came to life and told her to reinvent herself.

[idunnosomename]

How to build an annoying cunt

[Neomod]

I'd be interested in the demographic for this film. I'm guessing her previous stuff, book, telly series  justified the production or was it one of those cases of you've got millions of twitter followers so we know there's an audience out there?

[olliebean]

She's a shit writer, an annoying person, but making fun of her physical appearance is a cunt's trick.

I wasn't making fun of her physical appearance, I was making fun of her self-image.

[Mister Six]

I'd be interested in the demographic for this film. I'm guessing her previous stuff, book, telly series  justified the production or was it one of those cases of you've got millions of twitter followers so we know there's an audience out there?

Judging by the fact that they got Jonah Hill's sister in, I guess they're looking to tap the "inspirational/aspirational story about young misfit women finding her way into adulthood" vein that her other movies, Booksmart and Lady Bird, are from. Although those films are both fantastic, and this - it would seem - is not.

[Icehaven]

Why have they photoshopped the hat on her head? Wouldn't it have been easier if she'd just worn it?

[Sebastian Cobb]

I wasn't making fun of her physical appearance, I was making fun of her self-image.

lol

[popcorn]

Isn't she Jonah Hill's sister?

I thought exactly the same thing but didn't want to say anything in case this somehow became a comment about weight.

edit: fucking hell apparently she really is Jonah Hill's sister.