Coming out as A Gay (in the time of COVID)?

[Schrodingers Cat]

Man, oh man, I've thought about writing this many times, and always decided against it.

Bit of context: I'm a man in my mid-twenties (ie quite old to come out). I'm from, and still live in, a working class, industrial northern town (ie casual homophobia abounds). Amateur rugby player (ie casual homophobia abounds). Traditionally masculine looking (ie big lad with a beard) and don't come across as 'camp' or similar - which I only mention as I don't think anyone would expect me to be gay (ie casual homophobia abounds).

I suppose, to start off: w- what do I do? I mean, how does anyone even bring up the topic with people they know? Or should I just do the George Constanza/Kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse thing, and just casually mention, I dunno, fancying a lad, and then just act like I told them ages ago? Actually, I think I've just answered my own question - that seems like a good idea. I'll do that. Or, even better, keep it a secret forever and take it to the grave with me.

I don't really know what I expect to get from starting this thread. Funny stories? Practical advice? Somewhere to vent? Who knows? Not me, that's for sure! I know some on here will have experience of this (direct, personal, or other), and others will know someone who does. Maybe one of you can help me, internet strangers!

P.S. Neil, if I really regret posting this tomorrow, would you mind deleting it and then wipe the memory of everyone who read it please? Ta, Neil, you're a star.

[Mr_Simnock]

DO NOT TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE, dear god no. You can just either come out with it to a friend, maybe put a message on face book, or just talk with your parents. It's extremely difficult but when you can live as who you actually are its much better.

[Hand Solo]

Have you actually done any gay stuff then, or just thought about it a lot (whilst wanking)?

Asking for a friend.

[Paul Calf]

were you simultaneously gay and not gay before this post?

(serious note: never come out, so any advice i was to offer would be of no value whatsoever)

[Famous Mortimer]

Firstly, good on you for telling us.

As for everything else, dunno. Biggest thing I ever did was tell my mum I didn't believe in God. But hopefully other people will have actual useful advice and not just vague old anecdotes.

[ImmaculateClump]

Derren Brown did a really clever thing where he came out just as his new series was about to air and whilst filming it he'd cleverly slipped little innuendos into conversations with the general public so they'd just react the way you would normally if someone made a daft joke like that, not making a big deal out of it, going "oh you" and rolling their eyes, whereas it would have been a bit more awkward if he'd just publicly come out.
He was always the one making the joke and in control and they just seemed to be dismissing the little comment like "yeah, whatever, you like sausages, very good, do your trick"

It was a really clever way of normalising it all to the people at home who wouldn't have thought it normal.

Do that.

Oh, and get yourself a bumming shed.

[Pearly-Dewdrops Drops]

Or should I just do the George Constanza/Kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse thing, and just casually mention, I dunno, fancying a lad, and then just act like I told them ages ago?

I can see how formally "coming out" would be an important symbolic gesture for a lot of non-hetero people, but just in terms of living your life openly this has honestly always seemed like the most logical course of action to me. Just treat it like it is the most insignificant thing in the world and in the off chance that you get some Startled Stephen asking "Wait, are you g..g...gay?" like he's seen a ghost, just reply "Yes." and move on.

[Glebe]

My heart goes out to you SC... I guess even in this day and age it's tricky thing, sadly. All I can say is believe in yourself and know that you're not alone.

[ollyboro]

Come out in the middle of a scrum. That should flush a few cunts out. Other than that, I can only offer you my best wishes.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Several gay work colleagues (who are, like you, well gay) said coming out at work was easier than doing so with friends and family as they could just mention something clearly marking themselves as gay without doing a big reveal and without it even turning into the main topic of conversation. If you know a gossip you work with then you're basically outsourcing the task of distributing the information to them.

Because colleagues and acquaintances don't have the level of closeness they felt they weren't dealing with conflicted feelings of shame and deceit that they were concealing one aspect of their identity. Perhaps that's one place to start, then move from there?

I suspect you'll be pleasantly surprised by the support you find, even in 'unreconstructed northern town'. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find the understanding and acceptance you need.

Man, oh man

Yes, we are pretty sexy, I suppose.

[greencalx]

Congratulations on making it this far. Can't have been easy.

I'm sure there's plenty of people round here who can share their first hand experience of coming out. I wouldn't worry about being "too old". A colleague of mine came out in his 40s (I think) and when he did he was much more relaxed and pleasant to be around. In retrospect it seemed obvious. So you might find the "didn't I already tell you 10 years ago" approach works with your peer group.

Do you anticipate difficulties with your family?

[bgmnts]

Move to Brighton or something.

I don't know, everywhere is kind of casually homophobic isn't it? Is there no gay community up there? Like clubs or owt?

[Hand Solo]

Several gay work colleagues (who are, like you, well gay) said coming out at work was easier than doing so with friends and family as they could just mention something clearly marking themselves as gay without doing a big reveal and without it even turning into the main topic of conversation. If you know a gossip you work with then you're basically outsourcing the task of distributing the information to them.

https://youtu.be/Mv9fsY9tU3c?t=44

I don't know, everywhere is kind of casually homophobic isn't it? Is there no gay community up there? Like clubs or owt?

As someone who regularly visits Northern gay bars and the like, I think being his being around Rugby players is the most gay environment you're ever likely to encounter. They're absolutely obsessed.

[Paul Calf]

Congratulations on making it this far. Can't have been easy.

I'm sure there's plenty of people round here who can share their first hand experience of coming out. I wouldn't worry about being "too old". A colleague of mine came out in his 40s (I think) and when he did he was much more relaxed and pleasant to be around. In retrospect it seemed obvious. So you might find the "didn't I already tell you 10 years ago" approach works with your peer group.

Do you anticipate difficulties with your family?

/\ wisdom.

Also, you might find that a substantial proportion of your friends and acquaintances already know or strongly suspect the truth.

[touchingcloth]

Looking forward to seeing the answers in this thread because the OP has made me realise that I've never actually come out as straight. Yep, that's me, ruddy love wanking and that, bakery, grooming...all the straight stuff.

[thenoise]

Wanking is gay, unless your hand is female.

Edit: p.s. good luck to Mr Cat.

[Better Midlands]

Wanking is gay, unless your hand is female.

It's the same rule as wearing one earring, if you use your right hand you're gay.

[touchingcloth]

It's the same rule as wearing one earring, if you use your right hand you're gay.

With Prince Alberts it depends which ball you get pierced. I made my excuses and left in disgust the other day when I realised this guy I was blowing had the gay ball done.

[Hand Solo]

Looks like the OP has fucked off from replying to the good folk in this thread and gone on a selfish drug-fuelled public-toilet-based anonymous-sex-binge, normally I wouldn't mind, but is this really appropriate in the time of COVID? Think on.

[Mrs Wogans lemon drizzle]

Actually I think he might of just nipped out to Tescos

[Hand Solo]

Actually I think he might of just nipped out to Tescos

I thought Morrisons was where's it at round here?

[Huxleys Babkins]

I thought Morrisons was where's it at round here?

"Nipped out to Tescos" is actually Polari for having a Prince Albert done whilst strange men sit around and watch.

[Bazooka]

Maybe come out as a lesbian or a ludite first, just to test the waters and reciprocation.

[Non Stop Dancer]

I say this as a straight white cis man, so up to my neck in privilege on this front, but all I can say is that if anyone takes issue with a person being gay, it makes them a fuckwit and it's their problem and not yours, so I always regard it as a huge shame to hide who you are because it might upset/anger somebody. No different to coming out as a fan of Eastenders or Archery so fuck 'em.

"Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

Although I of course understand that it's not that easy for everyone, so don't want to appear that I'm shaming anyone for not coming out. Just saddens me that people have to basically live in fear because of who they fancy. Homophobia is absolute shit-tier bollocks.

[pancreas]

I'd sort of forgotten anyone gave a shit about this any more. I suppose some must do. Just make the commitment never to lie about it, or allow people to assume the wrong thing about it. So if you get: 'Penelope Cruz is extremely attractive, I expect you must wank about her as much as I do?', you can just say 'Well, as a matter of fact, I dislike her genitals and prefer my own.'

I believe the poster machotrouts also offers an induction course if you'd like to get fully qualified; he goes up to HND—apprenticeships available.

[Cuellar]

Try coming out as a Conservative first, it'll make coming out as gay a doddle!!

[wooders1978]

Reckon you'll be surprised at how many people have already worked it out anyway

Maybe confide in close a mate, female might be preferable, to gauge what sort of reaction your peers might have?

[Blue Jam]

Amateur rugby player

League or Union? If it's the former you're probably alright.

All the best to you x

[touchingcloth]

Doubling down on the mint guys' cream.

[machotrouts]

he goes up to HND

I also offer BLW and ANL.