Coming out as A Gay (in the time of COVID)?

[machotrouts]

I don't think I've ever had a proper official Coming Out – to an individual, to a group, or to society at large. I've just let it slowly dawn on everyone by tweeting and posting it up about penis and cum etc.[nb]Note that I haven't actually said I'm gay in this post. You're just assuming that.[nb]I am gay.[/nb][/nb] I was an absolute horny MINCER of a child so none of the people I knew then needed telling, and I've had no reason to accumulate any homophobes in my adult life. I suppose it must be harder for people who have careers and hobbies and friends. I'm extremely alone!!!!! When I was a toddler I used to frequently and consistently try to grab my friends' willies. I also used to hump the furniture in full view of my horrified and embarrassed family. I hope this helps.

[Dr Trouser]

League or Union? If it's the former you're probably alright.

All the best to you x

I was going to say the other way round in my experience. However I played union in the Welsh Valleys where no one cared about your sexuality. However when one lad admitted he had actually been born in England but been brought up in Ebbw Vale he was ostracised for a long time (quite rightly for being a saes)

[Marner and Me]

I work in a white working class environment and play on sports teams locker room environment. Honestly, blokes don't care. One guy at work who came out as gay just said I fuck men, but I'm not gay, every one found it funny and got on with it. If anyone did say anything to him, I think they'd be put on their backs minus teeth.

If people are making jokes, and you're making some back you're fine. It is if they blank you or it's out right nasty, you know someone will actually take offence. 

[Shit Good Nose]

I'm also surprised that it can still be problematic these days what with so many famous people being open about it, it being taught at primary school age when they talk about different family make-ups and that, but that's coming from another heterosexual (although I do have a bit of a man-crush on Ben Fogle, but I doubt that counts) white middle class male.

As others have said, you'll almost certainly get at least a couple of "tell us something we don't know" responses (you say you don't give off any stereotypical "gayness", but those who know you best will nevertheless have picked up on subtle clues which you yourself may not have been conscious of - wandering eyes whenever there's a hot fella or three around, for example [I say "hot", for all I know your particular fancy might be overweight middle aged bald blokes - CaBbers rejoice]). 

I've mentioned on here a few times that one of my work mates is the leader of our work LGBT+ group, and she found it much harder coming out to her friends than she did her family - she (an only child) said her mum suspected and thought she was probably a lesbian before even she fully realised and accepted it, whilst her dad didn't care (as in he didn't think it was a problem that needed a big family meeting about it or anything), and her more extended family were similarly not at all bothered about it. 

Appreciate it must be a massive step for you - and anyone else in the same position - to take, though.

[ollyboro]

Move to Brighton or something.

I don't know, everywhere is kind of casually homophobic isn't it? Is there no gay community up there? Like clubs or owt?

There's the Ee Bah Bum club in Barnsley. Full of gay blokes who are always right.

[Sherringford Hovis]

I fuck men, but I'm not gay

Surprising how many gay men seem to object when bi men point out that we like fucking women, too.

You could say that they get "really arsey" about it, but OMG HATECRIME

[Shit Good Nose]

When I was a toddler I used to frequently and consistently try to grab my friends' willies.

Knew it wouldn't be long before it turned into a nonce thread.

[SirDidymus]

Saw this post and felt I had to register and reply, after decades of very intermittent lurking (recently, mostly to observe the Glinner trainwreck).

Amateur rugby player (ie casual homophobia abounds).

My background: I came out aged 28, in the mid-noughties.  I've always had nice cushy middle-class office jobs, but back then, even in that environment, casual homophobia abounded.  I came out to my close circle of buddies when they were expressing shock that I'd just taken up rugby (union -- I'm guessing you probably play league).  It seemed very out of character to my pals, but actually it was the most in-character thing I had ever done at that time.  Living in the closet involves repressing yourself in many toxic ways.  Anyway, when they were gently mocking and disapproving of my lifestyle choice re rugby, I said "well, the other thing you don't know about them is that it's a gay rugby club".  Meanwhile, to my parents I came out by announcing that my plus-one at my (also a willy woofter) brother's wedding was a man.  In both cases, it wasn't presented as An Announcement per se (even if that's what it really was), it was a natural part of a conversation about something else.

The notion of a single dramatic moment of coming out is, I think, shaped by the media.  I'm thinking Daffyd from Little Britain with "I'm... GAY... gay... gay... gay", or the guy in TDT's The Bureau... considering it's only three letters, if you put it straight after "I'm", it becomes a very big word and feels like it should have an EastEnders doof-doof straight after it.  In reality, hardly anybody cares, and anyone who is bothered isn't worth worrying about.

In practice, you end up coming out over and over again for the rest of your life.  Especially if you present as masculine.  People will ask, or make assumptions, about your gf/wife, etc.  On a case-by-case basis you have to decide whether you can be arsed bringing it up.  Often it's totally uneventful, but it might involve casual homophobia, or even just the tiny moment of arsiness ("my husband, actually" can still feel kinda strident, even if there's no ill will from anyone involved).  So it's maybe not worth investing too much worry in the pivotal moment of coming out to a particular group.  Obviously that's simplifying matters, because what your pals, your team mates, your workmates think and say around you, matters.  But I'd advise that you let it happen organically.  If/when you get a partner, if it can fall into conversation in a natural way at work, that would strike me as a good way to bring it up there.  In the locker room, last night's shag is probably a perfectly reasonable topic.

Traditionally masculine looking (ie big lad with a beard)

Not doubting your manliness mate, but I think even mainstream straight culture is pretty used to seeing big and beardy poofs!

I suppose, to start off: w- what do I do? I mean, how does anyone even bring up the topic with people they know? Or should I just do the George Constanza/Kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse thing, and just casually mention, I dunno, fancying a lad, and then just act like I told them ages ago?

You know your mates.  To me as an outsider, I could see that working with some social groups, not with others.  But it's the right general idea, regardless.  Piggyback it on a larger conversation about something else.  Ideally something that allows your mates to switch back to the larger, unrelated topic, if it's thrown them a bit and they need time to digest.

Or, even better, keep it a secret forever and take it to the grave with me.

Don't even think about it.  You won't appreciate how much psychic energy you're squandering on living in the closet, till you no longer have to do it.  You won't believe how much better your life will get for doing it.

I'd suggest you get in touch with your nearest gay rugby club.  There's dozens in the UK (and loads more worldwide), gay rugby is absolutely massive.  And in my experience, prejudice from non-gay clubs is really rare these days.  There's not even much anti-gay banter, because they're so keen not to cause offence (and also because in the modern world, they don't see our being gay as being worthwhile ammo to use against us anyway).  I'm not aware if there are any gay League clubs, but then I'm not suggesting you would ever want to play for anyone other than your current club anyway.  But meeting other bent rugger buggers, even if from the wrong code, might give you an opportunity to chat with guys who are like-minded both in terms of their sport, and in terms of liking the cock.  Might help you to feel more confident about outing yourself in the locker room.  It's a bit tougher to give advice re your work, where there would be more real-world consequences if you ran into bigots, but it's important to realise that casual homophobic jokes don't necessarily reflect genuinely homophobic attitudes.  But there will necessarily be a bit of a leap of faith involved.

Anyway, the fact you felt the urge to post about it makes me think that you're ready for a spurt (oo er) of personal growth.  Do it, whatever it may turn out to be.  You won't regret it.

[pancreas]

Knew it wouldn't be long before it turned into a nonce thread.

28, they were, etc

[El Unicornio, mang]

One guy at work who came out as gay just said I fuck men, but I'm not gay,

This phrase always reminds of this scene from the original version of Scum. "I'm no poof....but you're my missus"

https://youtu.be/F7iwPUAQvOw?t=2702

[Shit Good Nose]

mainstream straight culture is pretty used to seeing big and beardy poofs!

"Bears", please.

[SirDidymus]

"Bears", please.

Old rugby team mate of mine used to make an emphatic distinction between bears, who, he said, had to be muscly, and FMBs (fat men with beards).

[Jollity]

No, bears have to be fat to survive the winter hibernation. It's just common sense.

Anyway, traditional slogan t-shirt

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

'Bears' aren't simply obese gays. Drink vegetable oil for 15 seconds.

Neither are they musclemen. Gas your feet for twice as long.

Bears, if we are talking about the homosexual humans, are heavy set, so not muscly in any toned way, not oh lord he comin', just a sort of dense mass, a squat feckless farmhand that will fuck you for free, before retiring to sweat and change caps.

And that's all the latest relevant gay facts.

[Shit Good Nose]

And that's all the latest relevant gay facts.

Back to the studio...

[All Surrogate]

Schrodingers Cat, do you know any gay people personally?

[wooders1978]

Have you done it yet?

[Twit 2]

Make sure you label yourself correctly:

https://youtu.be/_eAVSqKZ5ng

[hamfist]

edit : sorry I thought it said coming out as a Gary

[Kelvin]

All this talk of 20 year old rugby players is reminding me why I became bisexual in the first place.

[SirDidymus]

Neither are they musclemen. Gas your feet for twice as long.

I tried, but after 10 seconds the fart turned to liquid so I stopped.

just a sort of dense mass, a squat feckless farmhand that will fuck you for free, before retiring to sweat and change caps.

That description doesn't match any bear I've ever known.  Self-describing as a bear is pretty much the only common factor I could find, though there's a cluster of traits involving bulk, body hair, facial hair, butchness etc, the more of which you have the more bearish you are.  Being highly domesticated is on the list too: you're as likely to see a bear wearing a pinny proudly holding aloft a cake, as on the rugby pitch / operating a forklift / shifting haybales.

Your description does, however, fit a lot of the bears I saw on Triga DVDs many years ago.  Ahhhh memories.  And mammaries.

[wosl]

Gas your feet

Gas these houses of toes.

[Cloud]

Man, oh man, I%u2019ve thought about writing this many times, and always decided against it.

Bit of context: I%u2019m a man in my mid-twenties (ie quite old to come out).

38 here, still not fully "out" as bisexual (gay leaning).  Don't know why at this point, most friends know and I'm pretty sure my parents would be accepting if they haven't guessed already.  I think it'd just be so weird to bring it up after not having done so, and I tend to have the view of "I am what I am and it shouldn't need to be viewed as important enough for a Coming Out in the first place".  It's a case of "when it's relevant" for me and as someone who tends to be happy single and pretty much just plays around with friends, it's not massively relevant.

With you on the location as well.  If it's my neighbouring town which fits your description perfectly I remember someone plotting to take a machete to an LGBT event once and the comments in the paper on it were "oh poor lad with them mental health issues" (i.e. on machete guy's side) so.... yeah....

Sorry it's not advice and not trying to hijack but if it helps to not be entirely alone or the oldest!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

That description doesn't match any bear I've ever known.  Self-describing as a bear is pretty much the only common factor I could find, though there's a cluster of traits involving bulk, body hair, facial hair, butchness etc, the more of which you have the more bearish you are.  Being highly domesticated is on the list too: you're as likely to see a bear wearing a pinny proudly holding aloft a cake, as on the rugby pitch / operating a forklift / shifting haybales.

Sounds like we are describing the same thing tbh. I was only describing body shape, not lifestyle mannerisms (as I thought that was too open to pigeon-holing)

[pancreas]

And that's all the latest relevant gay facts.

Don't let this shag-sack demonstraight gays to you. All he wants to do is wrap twats around his face from the moment he gets up in the morning.

Onto more important things: can I interest you in some of these apples?

[removed -BAdmin]

[SirDidymus]

I think it'd just be so weird to bring it up after not having done so, and I tend to have the view of "I am what I am

We know a song about that...

and it shouldn't need to be viewed as important enough for a Coming Out in the first place".

That's just it, making the announcement can seem dramatic and somewhat self-indulgent... but often there's no opportunity to just slip it in without fuss.

If it's my neighbouring town which fits your description perfectly I remember someone plotting to take a machete to an LGBT event once and the comments in the paper on it were "oh poor lad with them mental health issues" (i.e. on machete guy's side) so.... yeah....

Fucking hell.  I hadn't realised things still varied so much with location.  There's no rhyme or reason to it, I've met homophobic poshboys, and squaddies so woke that I felt like a dried up old reactionary next to them.

Sounds like we are describing the same thing tbh. I was only describing body shape,

But you said a great deal more than that!  Oh, ever so much more than that!  You demanded that we perform forfeits resulting in grievous internal bruisality.

(I just googled bruisality to ensure I quoted it right, and the top two hits were translations of the sketch into Spanish, with the word bruisality untranslated, wtf?)

not lifestyle mannerisms (as I thought that was too open to pigeon-holing)

Fnar.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Just get out there and start being fabulous all over the place. People will get the message.

[Schrodingers Cat]

Thanks to everyone who has responded. Genuinely appreciated. I've been at work all day, so I'm only just reading this back now. Definitely some things for me to think about before I respond properly later.

[shiftwork2]

Big fan of the quegs.

[græskar]

Welcome, brother!
My experience with coming out was different because it happened in my late teens, but it was also in a very homophobic atmosphere. It was certainly gradual - I first told my best friend, then some other close friends, then some family members who I more or less knew would be accepting. After a time I felt comfortable with anyone knowing.
Definitely make sure your safety and well-being are first, don't start with telling people who are definitely homophobic. I think the best bet is to start with close friends.