Star Trek: Desolation

[Glebe]

"Where's Harry Kim, Netflix?"

"He's in the Mess Hall, Captain. He's a drunk, dishevelled mess."

"Maybe we'd better start taking it easier on him."

"Perhaps, Captain... oh and by the way, stop calling me 'Netflix', it wasn't funny the first time."

[Glebe]

HARRY KIM: Look, I'm really sick of being treated like a joke by everybody!

JANEWAY: It's Harry Kim, everybody!

EVERYBODY: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Glebe]

LOCUTUS OF BORG: Alright lads, I'm back. Just gonna get an Earl Grey, hot.

RIKER: Back off, Captain! You've been assimilated!

LOB: 'Assimilated'?! Me?! Why, Will my good man, whatever gave you that idea?!

RIKER: This post isn't really going anywhere. DESO.

[bgmnts]

Wesley Crusher pulls a space leech off his cock.

[Glebe]

"Hello, I am Patrick Stewart, star of the space science fiction show The Star Trek!"

[bgmnts]

Captain's Log.

5 inches in length, 2 inches in diameter, one solid piece.

[Glebe]

Picard walks onto the bridge naked. Everyone is so shocked that they just pretend it's not happening. "Harry Kim," recites Picard, Hare Krishna-like, as he takes his seat in the Captain's chair, "Harry Kim".

[petril]

O'Brien's sideline doing house repairs down on Bajor is rumbled when he is stung on one of those cowboy builder programmes

the people presenting these shows are Bajoran and have first hand experience of living under occupation, paramilitary field operations and developing a kill count, so the confrontation scene is a bit different to Rogue Traders

[petril]

Harry Kim glitches the replicator into putting pubic hair in Tom Paris's sandwiches

[dissolute ocelot]

Kirk, Spock, and McCoy travel through time to save Wales.

[Fishfinger]

Arseteroids from Uranus destroy the starship Enterprise. All hands die screaming, apart from Wesley Crusher who leaves in a shuttle, his innumerable warnings ignored.

[Fishfinger]

An edit bug infuriates a red-shirted technician, which doesn't help his long, slow suffering from an intractable alien disease.

[Fishfinger]

Picard curb stomps Wesley into mush.

MR WORF: Sir, if I may remind you that this is not the holodeck.

PICARD: Fuck. Well, anyway.

[Fishfinger]

Something inside a bin-bag screams as it's hauled across dank cobbles, the over-sized hatchet scraping ominously.

MR WORF: Sir, if I may once again remind you that this is not the holodeck.

PICARD: Fucking hell.

[Fambo Number Mive]

The Enterprise find themselves hailed by Captain Peacock of the BSS Grace Brothers.

"Commander, he wants to know if...we are free..."

[Fishfinger]

The Tribbles are not enjoying this at all.

MR WORF: Sir, if I may...

PICARD: Yeah, I fucking know!

[Glebe]

KIRK: Fucking door is stuck halfway.

SPOCK: Just give it a shove, it's only made of plywood anyway.

[dr_christian_troy]

PICARD: Christ, that alien looks like a wrinkly old foreskin

[petril]

Harry Kim livens up the bridge by shouting OI OI SAVELOY

[Glebe]

JANEWAY: Where's Harry Kim oh there he is floating by the window somebody must have ejected him.

[Fambo Number Mive]

The replicators go on strike, and only Riker knows how to cook.

O'Brien gets his legs stuck doing the splits while in the holodeck. Bashir knows how to unstick them, but for a joke doesn't say for a whole hour.

[Glebe]

"Tea, Harry Kim, hot."

++DOES NOT COMPUTE++

"Did I say Harry Kim was 'hot'? Heh, what am I like, ahem!"

[petril]

Data has his ear pierced and has to wear a plaster when he's on duty

[batwings]

After Enterprise passes through an anomaly, Picard's knob starts to dribble precum at an alarming rate, stumping Dr Pulaski.

[petril]

the Bajoran far right starts agitating, lashes out at a reasonable criticism of their platform, and descends into infighting during the bit where they waltz into Sisko's office to tell the audience who the fuck they are. Quark's not even gotten to do his interruption before the slide into irrelevance is complete. Odo harrumphs in his office, oblivious, hoping it's a twee Bajorans with their own ways one or a Trill one this week.

[Glebe]

"ENTER!"

"Captain, you called for me?"

"Yes, Will, there's something on my mind... who is this Harry Kim?"

"I don't know, Jean-Luc. I've heard him mentioned along with Jeffries Tubes a couple times."

"It warrants further investigation. Okay, back to work."

"Actually if you don't mind I'll call it a day and go and play the saxophone."

"As you wish mate."

[Glebe]

The Borg assimilate Harry Kim but then let him go because he's rubbish.

[Glebe]

Picard's birthday party guest list:

Darmok
Jalad
Harry Kim
Lovely Deanna

[petril]

a new runabout is delivered, named The Canal

[Alberon]

Harry Kim discovers his new girlfriend cheating on him with a Jeffries Tube.

"What?!?" he splutters. "How is this even poss—? You know what, never mind. Computer, transport me into the warp core."