Star Trek: Desolation

[Glebe]

"What are we doing, anyway?"

"Captain?"

"We're just bumbling around the galaxy, poking our big noses into everybody's business? And for what Will?"

"Captain, our diplomatic missions are helping make at least some difference to the lives of many civilisations around the cosmos! That's surely worth all the effort, isn't it?!"

"Sigh. Perhaps you're right Will. But I'm not entirely convinced. Anyway... take us out, Mr. Worf."

"Aye, Captain," chirps Worf, with a somewhat dispirited look on his face.

[Glebe]

Picard is in the ready room, crying and listening to The Best of OMD when Riker arrives.

"COME!"

"Sir, I- Captain, are you okay?"

"I'm sorry, Will. I'm just remembering an old break-up."

"Well pull yourself together and captain this ship!"

"Wha- Will, that's a sudden change from you!"

"You know I'm right, Captain. Forget about some goth chick that broke your heart at 21, and lead your crew!"

Picard puts on a stiff upper lip.

"You're right, Will. I shall be with you momentarily."

Riker nods and leaves the ready room. As soon as the door closes, Picard starts to sob again. "Wendy, you had lovely perfume!"

[PlanktonSideburns]

"What are we doing, anyway?"

"Captain?"

"We're just bumbling around the galaxy, poking our big noses into everybody's business? And for what Will?"

"Captain, our diplomatic missions are helping make at least some difference to the lives of many civilisations around the cosmos! That's surely worth all the effort, isn't it?!"

"Sigh. Perhaps you're right Will. But I'm not entirely convinced. Anyway... take us out, Mr. Worf."

"Aye, Captain," chirps Worf, with a somewhat dispirited look on his face.

Top drawer

[Chollis]

aye, big laugh

[Fambo Number Mive]

Wesley Crusher's codename for Riker is "Pubebeard"

[Glebe]

Top drawer

aye, big laugh

Cheers folks!

"Captain, the Cardassian consortium await you in the transporter room."

"Let 'em wait, Will. I can't be arsed anymore."

[Fambo Number Mive]

Riker tells the entire bridge that his latest bowel movement was "like passing a shuttlecraft".

[Fambo Number Mive]

Kira leads Bajorian protests over the filming of an episode of the latest reality show "Keeping Up With The Cardassians" on Deep Space Nine. Featuring Garek in the spa.

[pancreas]

Riker tells the entire bridge that his latest bowel movement was "like passing a shuttlecraft".

good

[Fambo Number Mive]

Harry Kim continues with an "Ensign's Log" each day, even though no-one else will ever listen to it.

When asked by Starfleet senior officers whether working with the Maquis for seven years changed her mind about Starfleet-Marquis relation, Janeway says no and to "blast the buggers to Britney".

Spock notes that the Enterprise has come across it's 2,000th glowing array of lights.

During the lower decks party, an ensign dresses up as Captain Picard and when Worf discovers this the ensign is shot out of an airlock for disrespect.

[petril]

Roy Keane from a holodeck football game gains sentience, but the panicked crew member just puts it on pause and forgets about it for three weeks

[Fambo Number Mive]

Geordi and Data create a wormhole in Wesley Crusher's toilet, and he gets sucked into the Delta Quadrant mid-poo.

[Alberon]

Neelix bitch-slaps Harry Kim around for the morning, just because he can.

[petril]

Romulan Catholicism

[Fambo Number Mive]

Harry Kim invites all the senior staff to the debut of his new holo-novel Love in a Jeffries Tube

[Glebe]

Even though he can do things perfectly, Data deliberately paints a wonky picture of Harry Kim when Kim comes to visit the Enterprise. "I tried to get the proportions as exact as my laser-sharp android perception would allow, Mr. Kim," says Data with a sarcastic smirk.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Harry Kim retires, aged 65 and still an Ensign. He proudly polishes his long service medals as Admiral Paris and Admiral Torres arrive to gets the decks ready for the post-ceremony rave.

[petril]

Neelix introduces his new Saturday afternoon slot where he's started a game of Championship Manager 01/02 and let it run with just all AI managers for about 400 years.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Odo morphs into a urinal and enjoys a day's worth of DS9 piss.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Chakotay starts a Maquis revolt on the ship because he is "dangerously bored".

[petril]

Riker starts his morning shift with a stomp to the replicator to order forty B&H for the day, then chaining them up in the Captain's chair hoping to catch someone's attention

[Glebe]

Captain Kirk orders a lifetime ban on Harry Kim from the Enterprise. "He's a crew member from a different ship in a different time period, but fuck it. Can't be too careful, Spock."

"I agree, Captain. Kim can go swivel."

[Fambo Number Mive]

A group of ensigns on the Enterprise start a meme where going to sleep is referred to as "Bed Alert", and it spreads across Starfleet.

"Captain, you are relieved. It must be time for bed"

"Indeed, Commander. BED ALERT! LOL!"

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

A group of ensigns on the Enterprise start a meme where going to sleep is referred to as "Bed Alert", and it spreads across Starfleet.

"Captain, you are relieved. It must be time for bed"

"Indeed, Commander. BED ALERT! LOL!"

The adoption of "Bed Alert!" by senior bridge officers instantly kills the meme.

Nobody tells Harry Kim, and he looks like a complete dipshit the next time he says "Bed Alert".

[Fambo Number Mive]

Even Neelix looks at him with contempt. Even Neelix.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Riker and Troi have a dead child.

[petril]

Captain Kirk orders a lifetime ban on Harry Kim from the Enterprise. "He's a crew member from a different ship in a different time period, but fuck it. Can't be too careful, Spock."

"I agree, Captain. Kim can go swivel."

"Also, Jim.... Gouranga"

[Fambo Number Mive]

The Emergency Medical Hologram tells everyone Harry Kim has gonorrhea. Harry manages to prove him wrong by pointing out he has never had sex.

[Sherringford Hovis]

Riker and Troi have a dead child.

Only the third most disgusting course in the traditional Betazoid wedding buffet, next to Harry Kim's nakedness and Keiko's potato salad.

"Why did I marry her?" sighs Miles O'Brien.

[Fambo Number Mive]

The Enterprise's new mission is to find a species with more than fifteen fuckholes.