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Critics succinctly and concisely hitting the nail on the head about bands

Started by 23 Daves, May 27, 2005, 01:04:14 PM

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23 Daves

OK then, we've had a number of classic critics quotes on here about bands and their output over the last few weeks, so I thought it might be nice to have a thread entirely devoted to that subject.  Simply submit what you think is a superb quote that concisely and accurately portrays a band or artist's appeal, or lack thereof, and away we go.

Here are some recent examples:

"A mathematics teacher groans about his ex-girlfriend whilst someone throws cutlery down the stairs" – The Wedding Present.

"Phil Collins was in his younger son's bedroom fiddling with the transistor radio, and upon hearing Prince's '1999' clearly thought he could emulate it" Smash Hits on Phil Collins "Sussudio".

"Shoegazing poo with trumpets" – The Boo Radleys

Unfortunately all my examples are negative reviews, purely and simply (I think) because critics tend to pontificate at great length about why bands are fantastic and are usually utterly incapable of concisely saying what makes them the saviours of music as we know it – but if anyone can think of any good ones, they'd be very welcome here.  The only one that springs to my mind is the description of The Verve (circa their first single) as making a noise like "God falling down the stairs", but to be honest I don't like that much, and nor do I agree with the sentiment.  The Verve made some melodramatic and soaring guitar noises that went on at great length while Richard Ashcroft sung somewhere below the mix at the time.  That doesn't sound like anything falling down the stairs at all, never mind God, and I'm guessing the critic in question (Everett True, I think?) had that description written in his notebook and was just waiting for a band he liked to apply it to.  Naughty Everett.  However, I have to say that Fuck off Batman DO make a noise like God falling down the stairs, so perhaps it would have been better saved for them.

Paaaaul

If Idlewild were the sound of "a flight of stairs falling down a flight of stairs", did they see David Gedge and God on their way down?

TraceyQ

Quote from: "23 Daves"

"A mathematics teacher groans about his ex-girlfriend whilst someone throws cutlery down the stairs" – The Wedding Present.

I will be laughing at this for the rest of my life.

alan strang

"A clipperty clap disco song for twats" - Candy Flip's cover of Strawberry Fields Forever.

(From the NME. Can't remember who wrote it  - Quantick or Wells probably.)

TJ

Quote from: "alan strang""A clipperty clap disco song for twats" - Candy Flip's cover of Strawberry Fields Forever.

(From the NME. Can't remember who wrote it  - Quantick or Wells probably.)

Completely wrong. But still funny.

Johnny Yesno

Quote from: "23Daves""Shoegazing poo with trumpets" – The Boo Radleys

Haha! That quote came up when either you or Jemble Fred (I forget) described The Libertines as "junkie skiffle", which I liked a lot.

That Wedding Present description's a corker too.

Sulphagne

Not a critic or a review as such, but that Wedding Present one reminded me of a quote from http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2004/11/01/peel-fury.html">this:

QuoteThe Fall sound like a tramp having an argument with a vending machine, for Christ's sake.

Melth

Quantick:

"Crispian 'Thumbface' Mills from Kula Shaker eats git pie for breakfast"

Sid8800

Quote from: "Paaaaul"If Idlewild were the sound of "a flight of stairs falling down a flight of stairs", did they see David Gedge and God on their way down?

Damn I was going to quote that one! That was early idlewild thought, now they're more like a stairmaster on flat ground i.e. boring and slow.

Brutus Beefcake

Quote from: "Sulphagne"Not a critic or a review as such, but that Wedding Present one reminded me of a quote from http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2004/11/01/peel-fury.html">this:

QuoteThe Fall sound like a tramp having an argument with a vending machine, for Christ's sake.

That's what makes them so great.

Labian Quest

I can't remember who it was that said it, but someone from a band was doing a guest review of 'Steamy windows' by Tina Turner and they said 'Is that the best she can come up with? after everything she's been through? a song about shagging someone in the back of a car?'


I also remember Garry Bushell (when he was still quite funny) saying that The Cockney Rejects had 'more street cred than an A to Z of London'

The Mumbler

Quantick, of course, once described Damon Albarn as "the Radio 4 binman" on Radio 1's Hit Parade.  Four words only, but it encapsulates so much.

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: "23 Daves""A mathematics teacher groans about his ex-girlfriend whilst someone throws cutlery down the stairs" – The Wedding Present.
No no no no.  Completely wrong.

Surely a geography teacher?

Quote from: "23 Daves"Unfortunately all my examples are negative reviews...but if anyone can think of any good ones, they'd be very welcome here.
Someone in about 1985 or so described The Cocteau Twins by saying "Truly this band are the voice of God", which of course they hated and spent half of their career trying to live down.

Probably Reynolds or Stubbs, not sure which.

Ah, a quick Google reveals it was Steve Sutherland, reviewing Treasure in 1984.

Key

Aphex Twins Drukqs - Rolf Harris' stylophone falling down a flight of stairs.

The Mumbler

Quote from: "Ambient Sheep"Ah, a quick Google reveals it was Steve Sutherland, reviewing Treasure in 1984.

Ah, the man who "couldn't decide" whether he liked New Order's Brotherhood or not in a review that shrieked "I didn't bother listening to the record at all".

chand

I wonder who first used that 'falling down a flight of stairs' thing, I've read it in music reviews a ridiculous number of times.

Jon_Norton

Lest we forget, Mark E Smith was guest singles reviewer for NME in summer 1992, hosted by David Quantick. One of the works they had to consider was "She's A Superstar" by Verve. This elicited the comments: "It's like 1972, aint it? They've all got too much equipment. We fought a revolution to get rid of this stuff" and so on, ending with Quantick noting "The Verve record showed no sign of ending, so we took it off".

That same feature had a brilliantly disdainful "review" of the latest Farm single, in which MES talked irrelevantly about wiring trouble at a gig in Germany he'd played recently, and then finally noting that the Farm were now signed to Sony.

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

Peter Baynham on Bob Dylan: 'He sounds like his nose has grown lips.'

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

Quote from: "Jon_Norton"ending with Quantick noting "The Verve record showed no sign of ending, so we took it off".

See, *that's* the attitude that's been missing in NME for the past ten years. Peel-esque disdain for very boring bands. Where did it go?

NattyDread

In the new Teenage Fanclub album thread, waxed by nature said that early Fannies stuff made him feel
QuoteLike someone pouring Baileys over my heart.

Lovely, and spot on.

mayer

Quote from: "Emergency Lalla Ward Ten"
Quote from: "Jon_Norton"ending with Quantick noting "The Verve record showed no sign of ending, so we took it off".

See, *that's* the attitude that's been missing in NME for the past ten years. Peel-esque disdain for very boring bands. Where did it go?

(I think the first two Verve records are fab.)


The answer to your question is "they've all gone to Stereo Excursions to impress their friends"


And don't be stupid, we both know that you've not bought the NME in the last decade. I've not bought it for five years now, and you're a fuck of a lot older than me. So how the fuck dyou know what's missing in it?


Back in 2001 not a week would pass without the Sterephonics, Travis or Coldplay being insulted (rightfully) for being very very dull. The Sterephonics wrote Mr. Writer about the NME, which was especially funny because it was even more dull than their usual fare.


I'm guessing you look at the front pages and guess at the content. What dyou want on the front page? "New Oasis record a bit dull - Exclusive"?



Incidentally, five years ago what was missing in the NME wasn't petulant disdain (there was plenty of that still I assure you), but any in-depth articles, reviews longer than a paragraph, or writing of any quality. That's why I stopped reading it.

I'm guessing you stopped reading it because your pension increase under Blair was too meagre to keep up with the subscription.

The Mumbler

I've found the very problem in the NME over the past several years is the number of writers who have aped the Quantick/Swells style but who have had nothing of their own to say.  There's plenty of abuse in there, but there's no control over the writing style whatsoever - it's like Melody Maker in the mid-90s where saying something is "complete shit" represents wit at its highest.

Much is made of Quantick's "bored" writing style, but his very best work was positive and excited, and unlike most of his peers, he actually *loved* pop music with none of the associated irony.

23 Daves

I got the NME last week.  It had one in-depth article about the White Stripes (for which there was no proper interview, since the band aren't giving any) a few half-page interviews with people which barely gave any impression at all about what they really did, and some rather dully written one-paragraph reviews.  

On the plus side, there was a picture of Meg White in leather trousers and a long review stating that the latest Oasis album was rather average, so it wasn't an entirely wasted purchase.  So far as the quality of the writing was concerned, though, any one of the regular Stereo Excursions posters could probably have done a more interesting job.

Anyway, let's not let this topic become a "isn't the NME shit these days?" one.  We seem to have two of those a year anyway.  Such debates only make them sound as if they're still important and have any independent influence on the music scene as a whole.

mayer

Quote from: "The Mumbler"
Much is made of Quantick's "bored" writing style, but his very best work was positive and excited, and unlike most of his peers, he actually *loved* pop music with none of the associated irony.

Spot on... without the love it's just childish bitching which is seemingly done to have people look and say "oooh, Emergency Peking Ward Strang how rebellious and cool are you... you've certainly put x in their place, you've shown them kids who's boss".

I remain unimpressed.

mayer

Quote from: "23 Daves"a long review stating that the latest Oasis album was rather average


I read that at my friend's house in Bristol (he's a DJ/Promoter and gets sent the thing for nowt). Did you notice the reviews of the previous five LPs on the side?

I thought that was tacky. They've should've put the scores they gave the albums at the time (6 for Morning Glory rather than 9, 8 for Heathen Chemistry rather than 6, and so on).

Jon_Norton

Quantick has done some great angry reviews in his time as well. And his anti-Morrissey writings from 93 onward were greatly enhanced by the knowledge that he'd been a leading Moz-saddo at NME prior to that.

The Mumbler

Quote from: "Jon_Norton"Quantick has done some great angry reviews in his time as well. And his anti-Morrissey writings from 93 onward were greatly enhanced by the knowledge that he'd been a leading Moz-saddo at NME prior to that.

Yes, but the reviews were always innately intelligent, not merely someone throwing a fit on the page.  And Quantick was hardly a big Morrissey fan prior to *that* gig - it was just that he'd really liked The Smiths.  It was Swells who always loathed The Smiths, and part of me figures he probably only did that to annoy the readership.  (Or maybe Swells really did hate The Smiths.  It's not as if such people don't exist, after all.)

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

Mayer, are you Saturday Boy?

I do read bits of the NME whenever I have half an hour to kill in Border's. The tone I *always* get from it is a kind of breathless desperation ('This is the music YOU'VE been burning this week!' etc) or a sort of arch opinionlessness. I don't get any of the world-weary disdain or anger I used to love.

The Mumbler

Quote from: "Emergency Lalla Ward Ten"
The tone I *always* get from it is a kind of breathless desperation ('This is the music YOU'VE been burning this week!' etc) or a sort of arch opinionlessness. I don't get any of the world-weary disdain or anger I used to love.

I think that's the problem though: both the excitement for good stuff and fury for bad has been replaced, on both fronts, by emptiness.  You either get "Best Band in the World" or "The Worst thing I've ever heard".  Critical judgement revolves around these two poles, and there's not a great deal in between.

Almost Yearly

There was a two word review of a Def Leppard gig in Kerrang many years ago which just said "Daft Leotard."