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Critics succinctly and concisely hitting the nail on the head about bands

Started by 23 Daves, May 27, 2005, 01:04:14 PM

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Jon_Norton

Quote from: "Almost Yearly"There was a two word review of a Def Leppard gig in Kerrang many years ago which just said "Daft Leotard."

Kerrang is all breathless desperation these days. The reviews don't have any words now.

23 Daves

Quote from: "mayer"
Quote from: "23 Daves"a long review stating that the latest Oasis album was rather average


I read that at my friend's house in Bristol (he's a DJ/Promoter and gets sent the thing for nowt). Did you notice the reviews of the previous five LPs on the side?

I thought that was tacky. They've should've put the scores they gave the albums at the time (6 for Morning Glory rather than 9, 8 for Heathen Chemistry rather than 6, and so on).

Leading to the inevitable reply from some NME hack of:

QuoteYes, but what you've got to understand is that reviews are the opinions of individual writers, and we can't guarantee that each writer will have the same opinion, and no, we weren't copping out to please their PR people and ensure an exclusive interview at all, etc. etc. etc.

Actually, as we're on the subject of NME and can't get off, I may as well continue bashing it.  It reminds me of an eight bit computer games mag from the 1980s, most probably Crash.  Whenever I picked up a copy of that magazine round my Spectrum-owning friends house, I never failed to have a bit of a laugh to myself.  Back in the early nineties I seem to remember they made the bold declaration:  "There's NEVER been a more happening time to own a Speccy!", pretending to be oblivious to the fact that the Atari ST and the Amiga were already taking over the marketplace.  There was sheer desperation in the belief that if only they used enough exclamation marks what they were hoping for might come true.

That, in a nutshell, is the NME.  Its awkward shape slumps in the magazine racks up against the glossy monthlies, filled with exclamation marks and hysterical language whilst its entire world collapses around it.  It will probably bale out in two years time with an eight page issue with a free CD on the front filled with retro noises, or some ironic joke by Art Brut.

Jemble Fred

Take that back about Crash or I really will hunt you down, kill you, and fuck your skull in front of your grieving friends.

It was Your Sinclair or at a push Zzap, not Crash.

El Unicornio, mang

Quote from: "Emergency Lalla Ward Ten"Peter Baynham on Bob Dylan: 'He sounds like his nose has grown lips.'

:-))

I remember Quantick once describing The Doors as sounding like The Stranglers trying to be Erasure. Never really understood that.

Peking O

Quote from: "mayer"Spot on... without the love it's just childish bitching which is seemingly done to have people look and say "oooh, Emergency Peking Ward Strang how rebellious and cool are you... you've certainly put x in their place, you've shown them kids who's boss".

Gah! How did I get associated with that riff-raff? The age thing always rears its ugly head around here doesn't it? A curious state of affairs, because I have no idea how young or old anyone is. So if I have a pop at The Libertines for example, it's not in a "putting the kids in their place" way, it's just because I don't like them. I've happily talked about stuff I do like on here before, and if anyone wants to point out that I have shit taste, they're obviously wrong and about 16-years-old...er, I mean, they're most welcome to do so.

Hans Resist

Yeah, poor old Crash had a definite air of resignation about it as the 16bits closed in: it was kind of like the TV broadcasts in Dawn Of The Dead towards the end. I still play my Speccy games though, so nuts to the Atari ST. But the same panic is definitely pishing out of the NME, I think you're right. They fear a mass rumbling. They needn't worry though: if they can break fashion music as vapid and cynical as The Bravery (even for one single, the second one bombed), they still have a few years left to adapt and survive.

Pepotamo1985

"At The Drive In split in 2000. Cedric Bixler and Omar Rodiguez formed The Mars Volta, and make incredible music. The other three formed Sparta, and don't."

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: "chand"I wonder who first used that 'falling down a flight of stairs' thing, I've read it in music reviews a ridiculous number of times.
I don't know, but maybe it started after Depeche Mode recorded "Blasphemous Rumours", in which some of the noises you can hear ARE things being thrown down a flight of stairs.

Mind you didn't someone like The Who or Led Zep once push a drumkit down a flight of stairs?

Ambient Sheep

Quote from: "Jemble Fred"Take that back about Crash or I really will hunt you down, kill you, and fuck your skull in front of your grieving friends.
:-) :-) :-)

Agreed, I was just about to say something similar, although in less violent terms!

Crash was a wonderful magazine...although I suppose near the end it might have been guilty of what he claimed.  But back in its heyday, it was the business.  Even now, whenever I see the name "Ludlow" mentioned (whether by you or someone else), I get a little twitch inside of me.

Did you ever write for them then?  You're too young, surely?

Paul Dee

Quote from: "The Mumbler"
Yes, but the reviews were always innately intelligent, not merely someone throwing a fit on the page.  And Quantick was hardly a big Morrissey fan prior to *that* gig - it was just that he'd really liked The Smiths.


I dunno though; he had a lot of nice things to say about Kill Uncle. That's quite hard to come by.

The Mumbler

Quote from: "Paul Dee"
Quote from: "The Mumbler"
Yes, but the reviews were always innately intelligent, not merely someone throwing a fit on the page.  And Quantick was hardly a big Morrissey fan prior to *that* gig - it was just that he'd really liked The Smiths.


I dunno though; he had a lot of nice things to say about Kill Uncle. That's quite hard to come by.

Was that at the time (1991)?  Quantick's written a review for the recent Q Smiths special issue, but I think that's a newly-written piece.

Christ, his new book's rotten, incidentally.  And a brand that'll run and run (it's Father's Day soon - whoopee says Dave's bank balance).  Grumpy Old Men at Christmas?  Grumpy Old Men at the Commonwealth Games?  Grumpy Old Men During Lent?  I shudder to think at the other possibilities.

Sid8800

The NME described the dum dums as a band that should only exist as a Hollyoaks sub-plot.

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten


I've been re-reading that quote over and over again and it doesn't make any sense to me. It's succint and concise, I'll give you that, but it doesn't hit the nail on the head about anything.

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

I imagine it means Amos sounds like Bush, only lazier and with more meandering tunes. Actually, I think the quote referred specifically to the a capella track on Little Earthquakes.

Yeah, I thought that's what they were getting at- a watered down Kate Bush. Although I also wasn't sure if it was some kind of twisted compliment. I'd like to know how "Me And A Gun" sounds anything like Kate Bush though. Lazy music journalism, that's I what I call that.

terminallyrelaxed

Does it have to be about a specific song? Can't one song break from the general style? I think it works quite well.

Flook

Q (I think) reviewed Coldplays latest dirgeathon with the headline
X + Y = Zzzzzzzz

Clinton Morgan

'A Street With No Name' -U2

"Jesus! It's like a fucking postman with the blues." Billy Connolly.

rjd2

Nellys last single from HHC
.
Quote
This is probably the worse single I have heard in two years. Marketing companies are legendary for finding good quotes in bad reviews, so lets see what they can do with the following sentence. What a useless fucking cunt.

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

Smash Hits reviewing Dan Hartman's single 'Fletch (Get Outta Town)' in 1985:

'Dan Hartman doesn't make very good records does he?'

That's all it said.

terminallyrelaxed

Quote from: "Clinton Morgan"'A Street With No Name' -U2

"Jesus! It's like a fucking postman with the blues." Billy Connolly.

Thats just the usual half-thought out gash from the Big Yin though isnt it - he's reacting to the name of the song rather than its merits or lack of them - and its 'Where The Streets Have No Name'.

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

Actually, I've just remembered Butthead from Beavis and Butthead's reaction to a Tori Amos video: 'Even though she's really fit and everything, you get the idea she'd be too much trouble to get involved with'.

TJ

Quote from: "Emergency Lalla Ward Ten"Actually, I've just remembered Butthead from Beavis and Butthead's reaction to a Tori Amos video: 'Even though she's really fit and everything, you get the idea she'd be too much trouble to get involved with'.

Too many spot-on B&B assessments to catalogue, frankly. Here's a couple of personal favourites:

"What *language* is this in?"

"why don't they have the bit that doesn't suck all the way through?" - "because then the bit that doesn't suck wouldn't not suck as much"

"like, uh, his parents said 'Son, we love you and stuff, but don't use our name cause you suck'..."

Emergency Lalla Ward Ten

BEAVIS (WATCHING A SINGER DO A STRANGE PIECE OF CONTORTIONISM): How can he that, Butthead?
BUTTHEAD: He can do that because...he's really cool.

TraceyQ

Quote from: "Sid8800"The NME described the dum dums as a band that should only exist as a Hollyoaks sub-plot.

Ha, I'll remember that the next time I see them.

Labian Quest

Beavis and Butthead' s reaction to a Siouxsie and the Banshees video:

'Wow, snotty people'

kidsick5000

Belatedly, in NME's defense, I actually got a copy of Oasis' new album on the basis of one track (Mucky Fingers) being described as Chas and Dave covering the Velvet Underground.
The most pinpoint accurate description of a song.
It could be the last decent thing that magazine says

dan dirty ape

Beavis and Butthead are watching a video of a soft metal band which features occasional appearances of an animated flying skull.

BUTTHEAD: Why doesn't the skull just fly into a video that doesn't suck?

Paul Dee

In 1998 (I think) the NME did an interview with Westlife and a caption for one of the photos read "Three Beckham lookalikes and the one with the big lips".

The interview itself was great:

NME: So what do you hope to achieve with Westlife at the end of the day?
Member of Westlife: Well, we just want to put a bit of fun and happiness into people's lives.
NME: But don't you think they'd be just as happy with a Topic bar and a packet of crisps?