Critics succinctly and concisely hitting the nail on the head about bands

[Caroline]

Beavis and Butthead on Morrissey - "Why doesn't this guy quit whining, put a shirt on, and get a job?"

[Sovereign]

Some wise old sage once said that if Motorhead moved in next door to you then your front lawn would die.

Spot on.

[TJ]

Smash Hits reviewing Dan Hartman's single 'Fletch (Get Outta Town)' in 1985:

'Dan Hartman doesn't make very good records does he?'

That's all it said.

Smash Hits reviewing 'Summer Fun' by The Party in 1991:

"The Party are the latest teen sensation being foisted on us by America. One of them is called Albert. The song is about hanging out on the beach and eyeing up girls in the sun. The sun is a massive body of burning gas that will one day burn out and take most of the solar system with it. How's about that then, 'Albert'?"


But better still, the very last entry of a monumentally bitchy singles review page in Melody Maker in 1996, after Everett True had wrestled with countless examples of plodding post-Britpop sub-pub rock nothingness:

"Paul Weller
Peacock Suit (Go! Discs)

Don't you start".

[phalmachine]

'Nine Inch Nails are a pallid pantomime death-disco act led by Trent Reznor.'

'Judas Priest are a leather-clad, ham-fisted, club-footed heavy-metal band of no fixed ability from the West Midlands.'

Both by Mark Radcliffe. He went on to lay into JP for about three more pages, but I couldn't be bothered to type it all, and also it wouldn't really be 'concise'.

[Panbaams]

Bobby Gillespie from Primal Scream once said "I'd rather be a dead Sid Vicious than a live Pet Shop Boy". Neil Tennant's response: "I've always thought of them as a kind of joke. Primal Scream are to The Rolling Stones what The Rutles are to The Beatles."

[Duffy]

Review of "Perhaps Love" by Julio Iglesias & Willie Nelson:

"Perhaps not."

I'm not sure what magazine this was from, but I heard it quoted by John Walters.

[23 Daves]

That reminds me of Vim Fuego's association game quote on The Comic Strips "More Bad News":

"Pet Shop Boys?"
"John Noakes and Peter Purvis".

Actually, Bobby Gillespie's quote up there sounds rather like something Vim would come out with.