cockney kubrick

[Goldentony]

stanley whats this two thaasand one abaaat then

SABAHHT FACK ALL YOU TIT

[Goldentony]

look squire, this hotel, not quite the objet d'art it was but believe you me it's reliable, it's strong and if you look after it it'll look after you, any comments?

SNOWIN A BIT INNIT

er yes yes it does this time of year up here

ERE WHERES THE FACKIN KARSI NO FACKIN GHOSTS I HOPE

no, imagine, no, god, no, god, jesus, god, oh my god no no, no god

[Goldentony]

barry, someone wants to see you

18 years later, 45 miles north east

someone ask for me

oh yeah, shit, but he's dead now

fuckin ell!

[Goldentony]

IM SPARTACUS

[from miles away] yer havin a larf aint ya!

[Mr Banlon]

THIS IS THE WAR ROOM....... FUCKING COME ON THEN !

[Pink Gregory]

owight cock nah prick up ya shell-likes

I want that shootah

[PlanktonSideburns]

If you think I'm going down Vietnam at THIS time of night you're having an laugh matey

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

What you doin', turnin' up at an 'igh- clarse Russian River Humber * marsked ball in a taxi, you Muppet?


(* Cockney Rhyming Slang. River Humber= Ordinal Number. The Russian for " first" is " Pervy" [ if I render it in English phonetics] )

[Glebe]

"Facking do vah free-'andred takes, camera prick! Or oi'll facking go men'al!"

[Goldentony]

bouncers on the doors at the hotel in the shining

[PlanktonSideburns]

FAKIN hedge maze

[idunnosomename]

Gor blimey guv fancy a bit of the ol' ultra-violence


Wait

[The Mollusk]

FACKIN' 'ELL ARE THEY AWL SHAGGIN' IN THEYAH? WEARIN' MARSKS AN AWL SAWTS, MOIGHT 'AVE MESELF A BIT O' THAT

TASTY

[The Mollusk]

WEASLE CANT OF A BARMAN, AWL THE FACKIN' COCKLES AN' WHELKS I COULD ARSK FOR BUT NOT A SINGLE DROP O' FACKIN' BOOZE

MOIGHT AS WELL SLOICE UP ME FAAHMLY THEN EH

OI OI

[Goldentony]

ere you got birds in there shaggin

errr look mate, look, if you're goin in keep your eyes wide...

shut?

no you tart, hows that possible

[Mr Banlon]

What do I get fer 10 bob ?
Anyfink ya want, saucey !


I'm Spartacus !
GRASS !

[Pink Gregory]

If you think I'm going down Vietnam at THIS time of night you're having an laugh matey

NAH MATE DON'T GO SAHF OF KHE SANH THIS TIME O' NIGHT, GETS  A BIT 'AIRY

[Hand Solo]

GARRY LYNDON

[Goldentony]

NAH MATE DON'T GO SAHF OF KHE SANH THIS TIME O' NIGHT, GETS  A BIT 'AIRY

OOOOO EY NAH NAH GOD BLESS YOU NAH ERE ANYWAY UP THIS WALL YOU PORTLY BASKET

[The Mollusk]

OPEN THE POD BAY DAWERS YOU TART

[The Mollusk]

DAISY DAISY, GIMME YER ARNSER TROO
PAHND YER STRAWBRIES PAHND YER LYCHEES

[Goldentony]

OPEN THEM DOORS

nah me jobsworth mate jokin arent you

FUCKIN DOORS

what you swearin for, people can hear this

[Pink Gregory]

LAV A DACK ITS A BLADDY MONOLIF!

STOP FACKIN ABOUT WIV BONES AN THAT AND AVE A BUTCHERS AT THIS!

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Oi AM in a world of SHITE.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman:
What's your name, knob head?

Private Muppet:
Sir, Private Brown, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman:
Bollocks! From now on your name is Private Muppet. Do you like your new name?

Private Muppet:
Sir, yes, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman:
Well I'll tell you one thing you won't like, Private Muppet: they don't serve pie and mash wiv plenty of liquor on a daily basis in my mess hall.

[Glebe]

"Oi'm sapossed ta filum vis boi candleloight, wiv a lawd a facking pikeys abaht! Facking Bawwy Lyn-don!"

[badaids]

Wendy:

Jack!  Jack! Jack! OI JACK! JACK?! Jack! Jack?!

Jack:

Wot?!

Wendy:

JACK?!  JAAAACCCK?! OI JAAAAAACK!

Jack:

FACKIN WOT?!

Wendy:

NAFFIN!

[Goldentony]

beautiful quartet, beautiful thread

[Glebe]

MALCOLM MCDOWELL: Stanley, these things are damaging my corneas!

COCKNEY KUBRICK: Facking take it loike a maaaan, McDowull! Nah shat app an' geh on wiv Take #275 befoah oi weally giv yoo sampfink to croi abaht, yoo slaaaaag!!

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Heeeeeeeeeere's Sharon!

[non capisco]

COCKNEY FILM '99 WITH GARY NORMAN

GARY NORMAN: Fack off, you sigh, and welcome to my review a the year. Noineteen nointety noine, wo' a fackin tasty year of cinemarrrr that was. Blair Witch Project, BOSH. Matrix, BOSH. Foight Club, faaackin 'ell, Brad Pitt was 'im all along. I didn't see that coming, it did my fackin CRUST in. American Beauty? I fort it was sweet as a nut at the toime but in retrospect....LOAD OF FACKIN TOILET. But moi filma the FACKIN year 'as go'a be....OYS WOIDE SHUT wiv Tom Cwuise and Ni 'Ole Kidman. Oi managed to 'ave a fackin chinwag wiv director Staaaaanley Kubwick before 'e 'ad it on 'is toes, the dead cunt. WELL, FACKIN LOOK, THEN!!!

GARY NORMAN: Stanley! Fack off you dry lunch!
STANLEY KUBRICK: Fack roight off you melt!
GARY: Woss this film abaht then?
STANLEY: Tom Cwuise gets the fackin 'ump wiv his doris and dithers abaht all rahnd New Yawk for two ahhhs. It's fackin' QUALITY, boy.
GARY: Tell us abaht the inspiration for the orgy scene.
STANLEY: I fort this film needs loads of sorts wiv their tits and arises ahht in the fird act to keep the punters 'appy.
GARY: Woss the symbolism of all the Christmas imagery?
STANLEY: Watchoo flappin your fackin gums abaht, boy? I filmed it at fackin Christmas, you dry slice. "Imagery". You a fuckin iron or summink?
GARY: Finally, woss next for Stanley Kubrick?
STANLEY: Dying of an 'art attack due to untreated hypertension shortly before the film's release, you soppy cunt.
GARY: Stanley Kubrick, fank you.
STANLEY: Alright, don't fackin cry.