FUCK CHRISTMAS

[Jollity]

I wonder what this will do to the peculiar people who camp outside shops to try and be the first to get the Boxing Day bargains. Will they be told not to or will that be bad for the economy? Not to mention "Black Friday", which businesses have been trying to import from the States these past few years in the hope that idiots this side of the Atlantic might try to trample each other to death for the sake of a half price TV. At least we don't have Thanksgiving to worry about as well, I suppose.

Another thought: Christmas themed face masks. Is that going to be a thing?

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Imagine if they said sorry but you need to eat all these minced pies we are dropping off



and you look and there's an absolute carnage level of minced pies being offloaded from a monster truck, not just with giant wheels but the rest of it scaled up as well to host tens of thousands of minced pies


and they've given maybe six minced pies to each of your neighbours but they need to get rid of the rest of them and you are the last one on your street so here's like ninety thousand packages of six minced pies per box


and without concern for covid they're all barging into your home.  one man per box of six minced pies sprinting in, placing down the box and rushing out again, back and forth until your whole house is bulging with the fuckin things all stacked up, wedged into every possible crevice and filling every room.  plus there's more outside blocking the doors and windows




and the last thing you're aware of is the driver doing that 'keeping my eyes on you, cunt' gesture with his two fingers flicking between you and his eyes


'better get them all eaten by the next day that isn't a fuckin bank holiday, tosser'.  you check and that gives you three days.



and the monster truck speeds off crushing all the cars down your road








the next day you think 'surely it was a dream' but nope, it wasn't

[BlodwynPig]

I know i'm depressed to the point of toxicity but I'm looking forward to low key christmas. Watch my christmas films, listen to my christmas songs, get tips, eat a big roast yum!

"Put the turkey in salt water overnight"

"Leave an apple in each sock when you see frost on the window before 9pm"

[ASFTSN]

Another thought: Christmas themed face masks. Is that going to be a thing?

I've just checked the old SFC magic eight ball and it appears that not only will they definitely be a thing, there will be thick 'woolly Christmas jumper' style ones will bells and lights on and shit. You saw it here first.

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Serious question:  has anyone here ever left a lovely raw turkey on a beach overnight to make it become all tastier with its flesh and skin and bones and everything?


apparently the air is salted, plus the seagulls all come and shit on it

[Sebastian Cobb]

Also apart from the Welsh cheese stall and the German hot chocolate stall the markets are SHITE.

Anyway, Merry Digital Christmas, Scotland!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-54643340

I'm trying to think when 'German stuff' became an actively pushed part of identikit 'town grotto' stalls. Obviously mulled wine has always been a thing but since moving cities and stuff I've come to realise these things are now more than ever sold as a package thing and it's the same people selling the same stuff, and German sausage and chocolate is suddenly a thing.

Don't get me wrong - I like them, just not paying a fortune for a commercialised version of something worse they sell at the continental market on the regs.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

It's a specific company based in Birmingham (iirc) that keep all this shit in a huge warehouse then get the same temp fitters, stall staff and security to do it all every year. The only thing that really ever changes for the customer is the price keeps going up ahead of inflation.

The 'German' nature of it seems largely arbitrary. Germany is a fairly Christmassy place - Kathe Wolffahrt after all, and we have a lot of German Christmas traditions thanks to Victoria and Albert, but I don't think any of them were about bratwurst stands and wheatbeer on tap.

Honestly, if you want some really nice legit Christmas markets you need to leave anywhere with corporate claws embedded in it. No doubt there are some decent genteel ones in smaller towns and villages around the UK. The Victorian Christmas Market in Otley wasn't that bad. At least the angle meant it couldn't just be plastic haribo.

From recent experience Cluj-Napoca had a really nice one, Olomouc town square at Christmas was a thing of childlike wonder it was that good. If you imagine a central European version of the Piazza del campo but with a big town hall in the centre, that gives a reasonable picture. Wroclaw last December had a good atmosphere but even that was a little tatty and over-subscribed in comparison.

[Sebastian Cobb]

It's a specific company based in Birmingham (iirc) that keep all this shit in a huge warehouse then get the same temp fitters, stall staff and security to do it all every year. The only thing that really ever changes for the customer is the price keeps going up ahead of inflation.

The 'German' nature of it seems largely arbitrary. Germany is a fairly Christmassy place - Kathe Wolffahrt after all, and we have a lot of German Christmas traditions thanks to Victoria and Albert, but I don't think any of them were about bratwurst stands and wheatbeer on tap.

Honestly, if you want some really nice legit Christmas markets you need to leave anywhere with corporate claws embedded in it. No doubt there are some decent genteel ones in smaller towns and villages around the UK. The Victorian Christmas Market in Otley wasn't that bad. At least the angle meant it couldn't just be plastic haribo.

From recent experience Cluj-Napoca had a really nice one, Olomouc town square at Christmas was a thing of childlike wonder it was that good. If you imagine a central European version of the Piazza del campo but with a big town hall in the centre, that gives a reasonable picture. Wroclaw last December had a good atmosphere but even that was a little tatty and over-subscribed in comparison.

I'm half surprised/half not that it's a company that warehouses this bollocks all year; only in the sense that I thought it might be ran by the people that do identikit festival stuff off season.

My issue with the German stuff was not that we share, or there's historical Christmas tradition there, more that it felt shoehorned in a very cynical way.

My parents dragged me to some holidays in France that I didn't like as a huffy teenager but looking back are exactly how I'd like to spend christmas now, I think the French do a lot of the sentimental shite around Christmas quite well without quite so much of the rush or the overt corporate bollocks.

I get your point about seeing stuff in the less tacky way - which is kind of what I've said about the French stuff as well, but it's stuff you find out after the fact, or by accident innit? If you're seeking out the low-key, non-corporate experience from the off you're doing it wrong.

[Blue Jam]

I wonder if the Gävle Goat will survive this year.

[idunnosomename]

I wonder if the Gävle Goat will survive this year.

file this under things I completely forgot about. it'd be the fourth year running it survives: the wikipedia page has a handy chart

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G%C3%A4vle_goat

the bigger question is: what if there is no Gävle Goat at all!

[dissolute ocelot]

Another thought: Christmas themed face masks. Is that going to be a thing?

Paper hat over your mouth. Keep granny safe.

Obvs my main concern is if none of my family can visit, HOW DO I GET MY PRESENETS?

[A Hat Like That]

It's a specific company based in Birmingham (iirc) that keep all this shit in a huge warehouse then get the same temp fitters, stall staff and security to do it all every year. The only thing that really ever changes for the customer is the price keeps going up ahead of inflation.

Fairly sure they keep everything in storage under the flyovers and interchanges around the city.

[Blue Jam]

the bigger question is: what if there is no Gävle Goat at all!

The Gävle Ghost? Can't set fire to that.

[idunnosomename]

who you gonna call

[poo]

see ya Christmas mate

[dissolute ocelot]

From the Gävle Goat website, they still seem to believe it's going ahead. Although the goat hasn't updated its twitter since Jan 2. I hope even if it is officially cancelled, someone sneaks in and sets up a guerrilla goat. And then someone else sets fire to it, obvs.

[Blue Jam]

Another thought: Christmas themed face masks. Is that going to be a thing?

TK Maxx started selling them a few weeks back.

[sirhenry]

Another thought: Christmas themed face masks. Is that going to be a thing?

With reference to my old CaB Radio catchphrase "Christmas on the hour, every hour" this was my first mask of the lockdown:

[idunnosomename]

anyone who died before now really is very lucky

[Cuellar]

Bing Crosby considers rewrite

[Icehaven]

I've never been to it but there's a nice Victorian Christmas market in Stratford Upon Avon every year, although it's only on for one day, which seems a shame. Dunno if it's on at all this year though.
Edit: No it's cancelled. The website goes with the slightly more positive spin of saying it's "postponed", so presumably next year's will just be the one that was supposed to be this year's, and it'll always be a year behind.

[BlodwynPig]

Coke Lorry being converted into a morgue on wheels.

Death trucks are coming
Death trucks are coming
Death trucks are coming
Coming for everyone

The world is ever changing
Embrace your neighbor near and far
There's a shared understanding in us all
So let's come together, and remember who we are

Deady Coca Cola

All the future generations
Standing arm to arm
Ooh
Let them feel the virus all around
Invite them in with smiles and open throats

Deady Coca Cola

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I've never been to it but there's a nice Victorian Christmas market in Stratford Upon Avon every year, although it's only on for one day, which seems a shame. Dunno if it's on at all this year though.
Edit: No it's cancelled. The website goes with the slightly more positive spin of saying it's "postponed", so presumably next year's will just be the one that was supposed to be this year's, and it'll always be a year behind.

Not surprised that a Victorian event won't be happening.  Sounds like someone twigged that a very old poster indeed was still up and got someone to take it down.

[Neomod]

Here you go..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1K1WNFzj2Oo






... oh.

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With reference to my old CaB Radio catchphrase "Christmas on the hour, every hour" this was my first mask of the lockdown:

Plastic ones are better because they automatically shrink in the oven.

[sirhenry]

Plastic ones are better because they automatically shrink in the oven.

There's one for the 'Obvious Things...' thread: Xmas stockings are supposed to be roasted with the Xmas dinner. Presumably you cook the stuffing in them rather than the turkey/goose/chicken/quail/indeterminate foul, so it can be eaten by the young vegetarian/vegans who changed their dietary requirements just to make the day more fractious.

You miss so many of these nuances of British life, being brought up as a foreigner.

[poo]

No coke van superb

[Replies From View]

There's one for the 'Obvious Things...' thread: Xmas stockings are supposed to be roasted with the Xmas dinner. Presumably you cook the stuffing in them rather than the turkey/goose/chicken/quail/indeterminate foul, so it can be eaten by the young vegetarian/vegans who changed their dietary requirements just to make the day more fractious.

You miss so many of these nuances of British life, being brought up as a foreigner.

So transformers and boglins are going in at 180 degrees when it's a fan oven.

Seems mildly wasteful but this is why traditions die out, I suppose.

[Ferris]

Can I still drink 2 bottles of port and fall asleep on the sofa? Asking for a friend.

[imitationleather]

Can I still drink 2 bottles of port and fall asleep on the sofa? Asking for a friend.

I don't know which is worse. That at Christmas you drink two bottles of Stephen Port's cum or that you refer to it as "bottles of Port".