Celebrities still doing things in places.

[dissolute ocelot]

John Humphreys running amok in the Cross Hands branch of Pets At Home. Don't bang on the rabbit tank for god's sake, John!

Iain Sinclair haggles over a 1978 Rentaghost calendar with the proprietor of an antique shop in Bassingbourn.

Lesley Joseph compiling a list of her favourite scarves for an unbroadcast item on Bridgnorth's local radio station.

[Glebe]

Victoria Derbyshire launches a 'hat drive' to collect enough hats to cover the heads of every schoolchild in the area, West Sussex.

Late Blake's 7 star Gareth Thomas once placed Bonnie Langford on a large tray and pushed her down a staircase in a hotel in Fife.

Joe Biden whittles a stick "real sharp" and stabs Mike Pence in the eye with it in a parking lot in Arizona.

Grace Jones blocks Trent Reznor's driveway up with rotten avocados, "for a bit prank like and that, man."

[Glebe]

Al Murray enjoys a packet of Walkers cheese & onion behind a manse in Hartlepool.

Brad Pitt does a firework on the White House lawn and dives behind a conker shell pile.

Wayne Sleep ignores the pleas of Jane Fonda to "please pull me out of this tar pit, here in Utah!"

Marc Almond crunches an apple and watches the world go by, Alton Towers.

[Glebe]

Greg Proops sues Heinz for using his likeness on a new product they call Deedlies. He is in a court in Denver taking the action.

Back in the day, Lana Turner once flew to Korea and allegedly attempted to buy the country with six shingles and a ha'porth.

Donal Logue shoots James Spader in the back of the head with a water pistol on a fairground ride in Vermont.

Mack Sennett once chased a pooch for six miles around Miami trying to retrieve a juicy steak it had nabbed!

[dissolute ocelot]

Jessie J arguing with a burger van proprietor in an Ilford layby.

Leila K picking celeriac in Huddungeby.

[Glebe]

Gino D'Acampo drives around Naples in an ice cream van screaming, "FUCK THE PANDEMIC!"

Anna Faris swirls around Lake Erie in a giant, inflatable duck.

Steve Bannon fries some pork chops and sits down to watch Duck Dynasty in a camper van in Boise, Idaho.

Michael Crawford wolfs down a footlong steak and cheese Subway sub in a most undignified manner under an underpass in Haringey.

Gina Lollobrigida sips her cuppa in a retirement home in Rome and recalls a parsnip supper she enjoyed in 1952 with Marlon Brando. It's not a euphemism.

Tony Blair takes a flamethrower to some cats that have been getting into his back garden of late. He laughs as he torches them, his eyes unblinking like the psychopath he is.

[Glebe]

Taylor Swift goes on a crisp binge during a brief getaway in Ireland, resulting in the headline 'Tay-Tay enjoys Tayto in Tullamore!'

Ian MacDiarmid is forced to do his Emperor Palpatine voice for a load of nerds in a Morrisons in Staffordshire. He eventually manages to get out the door, but can feel his frozen purchases beginning to melt in the bags and feels quite annoyed.

Timothy Dalton attaches giant springs to his shoes and goes boinging around the Midlands, "for a treat!"

Sally Gunnell pushes bits of crumbled-up Tunnock's Tea Cakes through the hatch of her pet wallaby's hutch in the garden of her new granny flat in Dunstable.

[dissolute ocelot]

Richard Ayoade is rolling naked in packing peanuts in a Novosibirsk Travelodge. He is still wearing his underpants.

[Glebe]

Steve Davis teaches a series of voles how to do cracking snooker shots on the Isle of Sheppey.

Candice Bergen is at the Acropolis, re-enacting scenes from Jason and the Argonauts for her husband and some concerned tourists.

Lily James describes rice as "little bits of fluffy foodstuffs" to Tom Hanks at a dinner celebrating the life and work of Jim Varney in New York.

Bill Murray rams a sausage roll into a random letterbox in Bermondsey.

[Glebe]

Adele throws a crayfish through a window in San Tropez.

John Goodman hijacks a train in St. Louis and drives it to Boston.

LeAnn Rimes hides under a street vendor in downtown Detroit for an hour.

Olivia Cooke pours a load of olive oil into Katie Holmes' soufflé at Holmes new bungalow in Taplow, in revenge for Holmes describing Cooke as "one of them new actresses that's all millennial and full of horseshit".

[Glebe]

Nick Owen strangles a lemur beside Lake Windemere.

Tom Jones goes scuba diving down the Mariana Trench for a week. When he finally emerges he has 'evolved' gills.

Letitia Wright criticises a postman for wearing shabby boots on a footpath in Frome.

Alice Beer builds a miniature scale model of the Large Hadron Collider on a heath in Furness.

[Glebe]

Gary Barlow donates a piano to a mice foundry in California.

Ridley Scott is in Hanoi, where he has failed to convince a table lamp it is the letter N.

Tess Daly combines ginger with gasoline to create a new taste sensation she describes as "inedible, with a hint of nutmeg," in the kitchen of her new caravan on Sark.

Kris Jenner buys a B52 and bombs downtown Chicago for awhile.

[Glebe]

Ronaldinho sucks a cucumber in a youth hostel in Birmingham.

Claudia Winkelman describes Paul Hollywood as "squidish, with a real sense of vaporwave," during an acid trip with her crusty mate Quango in a skip behind the Hammersmith Odeon.

Daniel Day-Lewis performs open-heart surgery on a lemur in Dubai.

Dawn French steals a bulldozer in Brussels and goes on a destruction spree.

[Glebe]

Marina Sirtis buys a loaf of Hovis in Uxbridge.

Paul Hollywood cycles around Ulverston distributing leaflets advertising his new double-glazing business.

Adam Sandler imbibes a Potion of Levitation and floats around Newark observing the various doings of folk about their business.

Melanie Sykes crashes her BMX into a low wall while messing around on some waste ground in Surrey.

[wosl]

Mike Pejic coughs up a radioactive furball on the concourse of the Wulfrun Shopping Centre.

[Glebe]

David Icke forms a circle with some thrash metallers and head bangs to some Nuclear Assault in a rock club in Barnsley.

Colin Powell desecrates a wedding cake with a big ladle in a cake shop in Birmingham, Alabama.

Jerry Bruckheimer makes a basketball court of out empty yogurt cartons on Alcatraz.

Tina Fey goes apple scrumping with Roger Waters in Dubrovnik.

[Glebe]

Georgie Fame builds a 'carrot gun' to feet his rabbits without spreading corona to rabbits. At his new farm at Kintyre.

Paul Kaye goes into a newsagents in Bromley and demands a Caramac. "You don't have 'em? What kind of shop doesn't stock Carmacs, mate?"

Gloria Estefan teaches a leprechaun how to salsa in Mallow, Cork.

Lita Ford turns her Marshall up to full volume and crunches out some classic '80s heavy metal in the forecourt of a petrol station near Bonn.

[Glebe]

James Hetfield travels about Biarritz on a steam-powered penny farthing.

Glenn Hoddle describes England as "the shape of and old man's knee" to a clump of blankets he mistakes for a tramp outside a second-hand shop in New South Wales.

Sean Pertwee discusses the finer points of bread making with a giant bald eagle on the outskirts of the Grand Canyon.

Brendan Gleeson skims an omelette across the Irish Sea to Holyhead.

[Glebe]

Ranulph Fiennes builds his own Aliens power loader, and uses it to help stack some crates on an industrial estate in Newcastle.

Michael Che runs out of the SNL studios into Times Square screaming, "Those bloody termites are eating me desk again, mate!"

Tim Minchin gives an expert body massage to an over-stressed greyhound in his new luxury spa in Haverstock. "Hand job's extra, mate. Hand job's extra."

Noam Chomsky panic-buys tons of beef jerky in a Walmart in Pensacola.

[Glebe]

Danny Devito curls up and cannonballs into a load of paint cans outside a thrift store in Missouri.

Theresa May announces she will be running to become PM again at the next election, branding herself 'The Covid PM', she announces this from a atop a tree in Braemore, screaming down a tin foil inner tube.

Jack White rubbishes a new kind of self-cleaning sponge beneath a table in a diner in Utah.

Linda Barker fails to scrub away a spunk stain caused by her husband out of the carpet of their mobile home in Berwick.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Oti Mabuse tries on a selection of lingerie in my head in Bournemouth.

[Glebe]

Jamie Theakston is in Hove trying to convince everyone he was famous once. "Look, it's me on telly!" he sobs to an old man, holding his phone up showing Googled images of himself.

Teri Hatcher does a load of beef Stroganoff and feeds it to some hungry pigeons in Vancouver.

J.K. Rowling shoves Daniel Radcliff into a swill trough on a farm in Dunstable.

James Buckley savages Dan Brown's latest in a celebrity guest review in The Croydon Leaflet. He's in Marseille when he writes the review.

[wosl]

David Ottley and Antoine de Caunes have a chinwag about correction fluid during a violent electrical storm in Langwathby.

[Glebe]

David Ottley and Antoine de Caunes have a chinwag about correction fluid during a violent electrical storm in Langwathby.

Heh!

Maggie Philbin pops into her local post office to renew her TV licence but ends up buying a packet of marigold seeds while she's at it. "A bargain at only £1.49! It's all going at my local post office!" she tells Terry Hall when she bumps into him outside.

Tony Iommi makes the dishwasher repair man a cuppa at his new luxury flat in Toxteth. "We're out of ginger nuts but there's a couple of stale Viscounts there if you want them, mate," he tells dishwasher repair man.

Anneka Rice stage dives at a Babymetal show in Sheffield. This is pre-covid obvs.

Tim Rice opts for a Cadbury's Snack while perusing the confectionary counter of Mr. Patel's corner shop in Salford.

[Glebe]

Dougie Donnelly goes about Troon crying, "Has anyone seen my ham and cheese panini?"

"Laura Palmer is my sister," Des O' Connor tells a befuddled schoolchild at a bus stop in Prestatyn.

Rosie O' Donnell crushes a load of groundhogs beneath a giant metal weight she has manufactured in Idaho.

Pierce Brosnan is in Cannes, describing orienteering to a flock of seagulls whilst some Frenchmen look on in horror.

[dissolute ocelot]

Irvine Welsh picking up an archery target off of Gumtree in north London.

David Lynch in Charlottenburg holding a slice of toast upside down for a long time.

Lady Gaga in a Damart outlet warehouse near Enfield.

[Glebe]

Mackenzie Davis pushes a Big Mac along a side road in Louisiana with her toe. "Just a few miles to go before I loose my mind, keep going!"

Timmy Mallet phones Chris Tarrant from a phone booth in Canterbury, asking can he pick him and give him a lift to Droitwich.

Henry Thomas attempts to cycle across the Atlantic to an E.T. convention in Birmingham. He is picked up by a fishing vessel near Ellis Island, cold and disappointed that his "alien chum's magic didn't float me across the ocean!"

Bradley Walsh gets annoyed in Tesco Express in Wimbledon because they're out of Creme Eggs.

[Glebe]

Martin Amis crushes Nigel Havers at an Nintendo Wii tennis game at Baroness Warsi's new flat in Colchester.

Don Bluth writes All Dogs Go to Heaven 3: Back in the Heaven! under a bush in San Diego.

Pete Sampras does a few scrambled eggs in the kitchen of his abandoned maisonette in Lagos.

Grace Dent declares war on Llanelli and drives there in her Volvo which she has modified to be a kind of heavy artillery tank.

[Glebe]

Mel Smith, 1983, the Canaries, inviting a corncrake to a roister.

Jackie Chan, Salisbury, Lego bricks. Fun.

Brenda Fricker stabs Jason Manford in the back with a Peperami in Drogheda.

Tess Daly thinks a bullfrog has the mumps in Darren Day's back garden.

[Glebe]

Paul King cycles around Luxembourg asking if anyone wants his autograph.

Huw Edwards finds a boiled sweet under a hedge during a stroll around Rhyl. "I'm 'avin' that, boyo!" he says to himself!

Kamala Harris does some keepie uppies on the White House lawn whilst Trump peers out angrily.

Noel Edmonds dismembers Tim Berners-Lee on an overpass in Surrey.