Matter of Fact London’s Burning

[touchingcloth]

EXT. A FIRE IN LONDON

GOVERNOR: London's burning.

JEFF: That it is, guv. That it is.

GOVERNOR: I suppose we'd better put it out, for that is our responsibility as fire fighters. And I should look into whether governor is actually a role in the fire brigade.

FIN

[Glebe]

HEAD OF THE FIRE MEN: There's another fire!

ONE OF THE CHARACTERS: What of it?

[shagatha crustie]

OPIUM-SOT: Trippy!

[Glebe]

ROBSON OR JEROME: Am I in this?

[shagatha crustie]

SAMUEL PEPYS: It's pronounced 'peeps,' you cunts! Fuck, I'm on fire!

[Huxleys Babkins]

WOMAN: Hello, I am your new colleague.

MAN: Sorry, love, there's no such thing as a firewoman. We're firemen!

WOMAN: I'll show you, you sexist beast! I'll be the best fire fighter in all of London town!

*WOMAN SINGLEHANDEDLY PUTS OUT A MASSIVE CHEMICAL FIRE IN A FACTORY AND SAVES MAN'S LIFE IN THE PROCESS*

MAN: I was absolutely wrong to doubt you, WOMAN. You are the best fire fighter in all of London town. Now, let's have an affair.

WOMAN: No way, you're a disgusting pig.

MAN: Go on.

WOMAN: OK.

*KISSING*

*CREDITS*

[Sebastian Cobb]

careful mate
fire that
careful

[petril]

DID YE KNOW: the show was originally made in Welsh, then dubbed into English

[DangledTeeth]

Shit Steven Seagal 'Lookalike': Fire! F-f-f-f-fire! FIRE! FIRE!!!!

Brian Harvey Lookalike: I think my name's Billy.

Francisco Scaramanga Lookalike: I wore a jacket with a white strip on it. I think I'm the chief officer or something.

Grey-haired baggy-eyed Bloke: I think my name is Geoff. My beloved dog has fucked off somewhere.

Bloke with a faint Joe Pasquale Voice: Oh, your dog's missing. Let me call for him via a PA speaker system as I cruise along in my camper van. Bwuno! Bwunoooo!

Pedestrian: PISS OFF!

[buttgammon]

Fireman 1 (sniffing): smells like a fire (sniffs again) fire down Sun Hill way!

Fireman 2: I smell a crossover!

[touchingcloth]

FIREMAN: Bore dar. Where's the fire? In the chip pan, where it always is?

BELLA: Ooooh, mae hen wlad fy. That it is, Sam. That it is.

NORMAN (to camera, shaking head and gesturing over shoulder with thumb): Should've gone to Poptyping Savers.

DDIWEDD

[Mr Farenheit]

FIREMAN 1: London's burning!
FIREMAN 2: Let's get out of here!
(Fire engine runs out of fuel 5 hours later somewhere in the countryside)
FIREMAN 1: look, a ditch! If we sleep in there we'd be sheltered from the wind.
FIREMAN 2: we can use these stones for food.

[Rizla]

London's burning, London's burning
Fetch the engine, fetch the engine
Fire fire! Fire fire!
Arsed mate, arsed mate
cigs cigs, cigs cigs

[Mr Farenheit]

(Fire brigade training room. The chief is standing at a lectern in front of a packed room of firemen)

FIRE CHIEF: So you see, the only way to fight fire... Is with fire!
We've just signed an agreement to sell all our hoses and from now on we'll be using these!

(Pulls out a flame thrower from behind the lectern, which bellows out fire all over the training room.  Various firemen get a full blast and spasm or run around the room wildly, screaming. The notes they've taken from the seminar are burned, lost forever. A stack of paper cups on a trestle table is on fire and the nespresso has melted into an unrecognisable form)

BURNING FIREMAN 1: AAAAARGGHH MY EYES ARE CARAMELISING! Thats a fantastic idea, sir!

BURNING FIREMAN 2: We should have done this years ago!

[dissolute ocelot]

CRAZY WORLD OF ARTHUR BROWN: Pass my mandolin, I've some strumming to do. And put that cigarette out, please.