The Great British Bake-Off 2020

[Blue Jam]

Noel Fielding seems to be turning into an enormous torso on pipe-cleaner legs. I can't work out what he looks like

Willie Thorne?

(too soon?)

I did like Lucas and Fielding taking the piss out of The History Bit from BBC Bake-Off. Channel 4 doesn't have a mandate to Educate, Entertain and Inform and nobody liked that bit, that's why they dropped it.

And that's why Rowan banging on about history is so grating. For someone who is reportedly a great bunch of lads he isn't half getting on my wick. He puts me in mind of the "cool teacher" who just comes across as a bit desperate and try-hard and doesn't realise the kids are sniggering at him behind his back. "Look, I'm doing waistcoat biscuits! Have you noticed my waistcoats btw? Check out my completely natural and unforced eccentricity! I'm mad me, totally mad!" There's a fine line between lovable eccentric and Colin Hunt.

Loved the look in Paul Hollywood's eyes as Rowan was smugly explaining his WaIsTcOaT bIsCuItS. Totally rapt with barely suppressed anger- "Shut the fuck up about your stupid fucking waistcoats Rowan and just finish the fucking things". His eyes were speaking for all of us.

[Blue Jam]

Also I like Sura. She's got the bants.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Hopefully Sura can supplant Nadia as the headscarf Bake Off one that's always on the telly, simply because she's fun and doesn't come across like she's permanently about to burst into tears or run off.

[jobotic]

If you're into baking wouldn't it be better to not give the contestants a  stupidly short time frame in which to bake macaroons, so that half of them wouldn't already be shit as they haven't been in the oven long enough?

I realise I'm missing the point.

[Blue Jam]

I guess there's that expectation that if you're into baking you're supposed to know all the classics.

That said whenever they had pie week and Paul'n'Prue would ask the contestants to make a pie without blind-baking the pastry case first and then they'd complain that they all had soggy bottoms- that was daft.

[Custard]

I reckon Fielding looks a bit like The Honey Monster off the Sugar Puffs

[Blue Jam]

Confession: I liked Neol Fielding's jumper this week.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Confession: I liked Neol Fielding's jumper this week.

Yeah, it's a good jumper. I won't even bother Googling it, because the last time I looked up a really cool shirt he was wearing, it cost hundreds of pounds.

[seepage]

^ yes, my partner muttered this week's was around 700 quid.

[kalowski]

Noel Fielding seems to be turning into an enormous torso on pipe-cleaner legs. I can't work out what he looks like, and it's annoying me. Some kind of crudely-drawn Adult Swim character probably.

[confettiinmyhair]

Does Rowan have herpes?

[AsparagusTrevor]

Does Rowan have herpes?

Yes, quite a bad case apparently.

I noticed he also had a cold-sore on his lip, the poor sod.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Poor Rowan. Imagine applying to get on Bake Off every year, finally getting your go and having a massive cold sore flare up just as the cameras start rolling. Lottie can largely cover her acne in foundation and distract us with her come-to-bed eyes, but nothing we can do for you Rowan. Deemed to be typecast as a useless waistcoat nonce for evermore.

[Blue Jam]

https://www.realitytitbit.com/channel-4/great-british-bake-off/buy-noel-fieldings-smiley-jumper-gbbo-hosts-quirky-episode-2-outfit/amp

Where to buy Noel Fielding's smiley jumper

Noel is wearing a light yellow jumper made by Belgian fashion designer Raf Simons.

It is called 'smiley embroidery panelled jumper' and it costs £660 for a size small and £1,346 for a extra small, which are the only sizes available on online designer company Far Fetch.

Upon research, it looks like Far Fetch is the only online store that sells the jumper.

Luckily for GBBO viewers, the jumper is currently on sale with 20 percent off. It is also available in black, however this costs more, starting at £880 at 2FS.com.

Wow.

Oh well, no-one will ever top that jumper Prue once  wore which had a Cavalier King Charles spangle made of sequins. WANT:

[Blinder Data]

useless waistcoat nonce

Big laugh.

If they send Hermine home next week, which is possible, it's going to look a bit racist. The problem with Mak is that he never quite shone, plus he was sour-faced. Rowan was able to establish a rapport.

Is it homophobic to call Rowan an old fruit? Because that's exactly what he is and I love him for all the delightfully camp charm he brings. Not getting the hate for him, even if ideas are ridiculous.

[Blue Jam]

I'm struggling to square my annoyance at Rowan. On paper he sounds like a great bunch of lads and someone I should be rooting for but on the show I just find him pretentious and a bit irritating.

He's no Brendan, put it that way. Maybe I just prefer Gloria Gaynor to Mozart.

[dissolute ocelot]

Hopefully Sura can supplant Nadia as the headscarf Bake Off one that's always on the telly, simply because she's fun and doesn't come across like she's permanently about to burst into tears or run off.

Nadija Hussein looks like she's trapped in a kitchen for all eternity trying to stave off madness. "Mmmm chocolate yummy aaarg the existential despair." It's either that or, "If you don't have time to do the housework and look after the kids and get up 1 hour early to make your family a cooked breakfast, just use this simple idea and bake your own methamphetamine get up 30 minutes early." I think I prefer Nigella Lawson's equally fake "Here are some friends I bought earlier" to Nadija's eternal isolation like some kind of insane Dr Who character. "And here's a film my robot avatar shot in Dorset last year."

[Pearly-Dewdrops Drops]

I am a simpleton and putty in the hands of the shows' editors, but my current favourite is definitely Lottie. The kind of woman I might see everyday on my morning commute (she on her way to produce pantomimes) and develop an unrequited infatuation for and never speak to and cower in fear from when she looks vaguely in my direction once and almost makes eye contact with me seven months in.

Also a big fan of Rowan. What's not to like? He clearly knows and is amused by the fact that he is attempting bakes that are far too ambitious every single week and that he is a certain goner soon to be eliminated. Just having some fun with it.

[Pijlstaart]

Can't believe we got the whole way through without Rowan pretending he has synesthesia. Rainbow bagel and he doesn't act like he sees passacaglia in d minor, small mercies. Overwrought cock jokes for the highlight reel though, slapping bread and juggling, just wants the cameras on him, if he hadn't been born middle-class he'd be shouting the exact same grifter shtick out of a van window. Bet if you look through enough old footage you'll see him powdered up in the X-Factor queue clutching a Musette de cour, standing on tiptoe each time the camera pans by. How much time would a Generation Z Rowan spend on instagram do you think? Makes a 70% polenta loaf, flubs the technical, ban this sick filth.

Turns out Hermine was batshit, who knew? Locked down the reaction gif market too, liking her. Lottie still good. Not sure about Marc, tragic elements to his character, single parent, single leg and he cries a lot, if he makes it through to the affected seriousness of the final he'll be dreadful.

Peter looked pleasingly weak throughout, he had final 3 written over him, would like to see the back of him sharpish. Gives me the willies. Reckon he drowns people, that's how he's cursed, they drown in the bath while he bobs about on the surface looking demure.

[Huxleys Babkins]

A strong foreign accent can help even the worst mental cases seem merely eccentric.

"What have you got for us this week, Hermine?"

"I'm boiling de flesh off a dog's head."

*the judges chuckle as the camera pans down to see clumps of fur and a collar on the bench, Hermine's hands stained with blood*

"Best of luck!"

[JesusAndYourBush]

I never watch this but I caught last nights episode.
They were making things out of bread.
Criticising cunt: "It's a bit abstract."
Me shouting at screen: "It's fucking bread!"
Criticising cunt: "It's lacking definition."
Me shouting at screen: "IT'S FUCKING BREAD!"

[gilbertharding]

*Lottie pulls a face*

[dissolute ocelot]

Unusual that there was almost nothing I wanted to eat in this week's show beyond a couple of signature bakes (Sura's sounded nice).

Neat Dave is currently annoying me most; Buddhist sculptor Marc probably should be annoying but doesn't even stir that much emotion. Surely they can't allow 2 people called Marc/k to progress much further, although both are looking pretty secure. Laura (the bubbly blonde musical theatre fan) is obviously trying to chat up Matt and Noel to guarantee her place, doesn't she know they have no power? I suspect they'll be too scared of Hermine to chuck her out.

It continues to be very up and down as to who's in the strongest position, but I suspect we may lose Lottie, Linda, or Laura soon. Too many Ls.

[Blue Jam]

For once I don't think Paul Hollywood is being too harsh. Soda bread is a doss.

Lottie is right though: Who the fuck makes sweet soda bread?

[Custard]

Paul getting heat (being mildly criticised by people with too much time on their hands) on Twitter
https://metro.co.uk/2020/10/07/great-british-bake-off-mock-paul-hollywood-rainbow-bagel-nhs-13383513/

[Blue Jam]

It's not really the Pride flag though, there's no purple. I know this because I went out and bought the food colouring yesterday and will be making these at some point this weekend:

https://thegreatbritishbakeoff.co.uk/recipes/all/paul-hollywood-rainbow-bagels/

They're a Paul Hollywood recipe so they'll probably be shite. Whatever, here goes...

[Blinder Data]

My gaydar is pinging with Dave. The eyebrows, the smile, the little shoulder wiggle when he's done well. Into cars and DIY? Not fooling me, mate.

Is he on the spectrum or simply completely humourless? Funnyman Matt Lucas unreasonably listing things he should have had on the bread model of his house and he still couldn't get the joke.

"It's 2020 so there should be solar panels." Davebot blinks blandly in response: "No, we do not have solar panels on this house."

Irish Mark annoys me. He's too smiley. He seems really nice. He has a worthy exciting job. And his hair is too bloody thick and lustrous!

Sura still the fave. She seems herself , if you know what I mean, and easily offers the best bantz.

[seepage]

Dave reminds me of Russell Kane.

[confettiinmyhair]

Dave is a terrible person for choosing Bake Off over his pregnant wife.

[Blue Jam]

Paul Hollywood's gay NHS rainbow bagels- DONE:



Alright, I'll stop calling you a dough-mangling cunt and admit that there are some things you're just better at than me.

They do actually taste good and have a nice chewy crust but you'll just have to take my word on this and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

I am blaming Dr Oetker for the colour- "extra concentrated" my arse, you'd need a metric fuckton of that to get your bagels as bright as Paul's, and you'd be higher than Donald Trump on dexamethasone afterwards.