David Dickenson Deso.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson's favourite colour is beige. "I know it's boring, but y'know where you are with beige!"

David Dickinson has never heard of Pink Floyd. "That must have passed me by. I was more of a Buck's Fizz fan back in the day."

David Dickinson loves the term "number crunching".

David Dickinson has been in more attics "than a pack of rats! It might look like junk, but it could fetch you a pretty penny or two at 'antiques' market!"

[Huxleys Babkins]

David Dickinson matches with an antiques dealer on Grindr and embarks on a six month affair in order to get £5 off a Royal Doulton teapot.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson matches with an antiques dealer on Grindr and embarks on a six month affair in order to get £5 off a Royal Doulton teapot.

He falls in love, and they move in together. When they break up two years later, David Dickinson sneaks the teapot into his holdall.

[Glebe]

The year is 2003. David Dickinson is leaving Bargain Hunt and is showing new presenter Tim Wonnacott the ropes. They are taking an extended fag break with Eric Knowles during a lengthy set-up when David Dickinson suddenly produces a joint.

"Go on, have a toke of that, lads!"

At first Wonnacott is loathe to try it, but he begins to inhale deeply and his stiff upper lip starts to relax.

"Y'know, life is very strange... do you ever get, kind of, strange feelings and emotions? Ever ponder the meaning of it all?"

Through all this, David Dickinson is going, "Yeah, yeah," but he keeps giving Knowles sideways glances.

"Anyway, we'd best get back to work!" warns Wonncott, coming out of the marijuana fug all of all sudden. "See you guys on the set!"

As soon as he's gone, David Dickinson's true colours emerge. "Fucking 'feelings and emotions', 'the meaning of it all!' Let's get the soppy twat at lunch, Eric!"

[Huxleys Babkins]

He falls in love, and they move in together. When they break up two years later, David Dickinson sneaks the teapot into his holdall.

"I'm not proud to say it, but I broke the poor bastard's heart. But that's the antiques game for you; Kill or be killed. And when me arsehole's back in one piece, there's a priceless stamp collection in Dulwich with my name on it."

[Glebe]

David Dickinson occasionally suffers from "dusty hair" due to all the attics he's sifted through. "Me last sniff around in a loft in Hampshire was particularly harrowing, took a whole bottle of Vosene to sort that one out!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson once popped in to Bill Oddie's house to ask about a beautiful vase he espied on the mantelpiece through the window. Oddie explained that it had belonged to his Great-Grandma Oddie and was not for sale. David Dickinson distracted Oddie by pretending he had spotted a rare bird outside and swiftly nabbed the vase. But Oddie accosted David Dickinson at the door, and insisted he hand back the pilfered item. "You need help David, mate. Get this antiques addition under control. Until then, you are not allowed inside my house, alright? Now go."

[Glebe]

Adam Ant moves next door to David Dickinson, and Dickinson offers to help him unpack (with a view to nabbing a rarity or two, natch!).

"That's an interesting Indian head dress, Adam, I wonder if you'd be interested in selling it?" David Dickinson enquires.

"The correct term is 'Native American', and no, you can't have that priceless antique headdress, David!"

Dickinson is practically fuming. "It's political correctness gone mad, and you can keep the bloody thing, Ant!"

[Mr Farenheit]

David Dickenson and his wife are invited to a dinner party where he makes frequent and lengthy trips to the toilet.
In reality he's using the time to go rummaging in the hosts' attic but gives everyone the (false) impression that he's taking cocaine.
'Sorry, just need to go and powder me nose again!'

He returns to the property at 4am to retrieve his booty from underneath the toilet window.
'The perfect crime!' he laughs when he returns home and opens a half bottle of Cutty Sark.
But as the sun is rising and he undresses for bed he breaks out in a panic.
'Fuckin 'ell! I've dropped me monogrammed cufflinks at the scene of the crime!
'Wake up love and pack a suitcase! Were moving to Jersey!'

[Glebe]

David Dickenson and his wife are invited to a dinner party where he makes frequent and lengthy trips to the toilet.
In reality he's using the time to go rummaging in the hosts' attic but gives everyone the (false) impression that he's taking cocaine.
'Sorry, just need to go and powder me nose again!'

He returns to the property at 4am to retrieve his booty from underneath the toilet window.
'The perfect crime!' he laughs when he returns home and opens a half bottle of Cutty Sark.
But as the sun is rising and he undresses for bed he breaks out in a panic.
'Fuckin 'ell! I've dropped me monogrammed cufflinks at the scene of the crime!
'Wake up love and pack a suitcase! Were moving to Jersey!'

"It's too expensive to buy a house there!"

"Nah love, late Bergerac star Terrence Alexander sold me his cottage near Greve de Lecq in 1990 at a knockdown price. I never told you about it because I thought you'd have conniptions, Ada, but now it's that secret getaway's time to shine! We can do all our shopping at Benest's of Millbrook and Fineprice, superlative value!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson sings a stirring rendition of 'Oranges and Lemons' at the local country fayre. It brings proceedings to a standstill and many are in tears.

David Dickinson is actually a huge fan of Sheryl Crow. "I pop in the Volvo and on goes the CD player, Sheryl every time, mate!" He tells Phillipa Forrester when he bumps into her in Morrison's one Saturday.

David Dickinson once sued Mark Lawson for calling him "an over-saturated satsuma with no discernible talent whatsoever," in The Independent. Dickinson lost the case, but it left a sour taste in Lawson's mouth for weeks.

David Dickinson hang-glides to France every Wednesday. "It does the lungs good!"

[Cuellar]

David Dickinson winds up doing predictably-titled pornography

[frajer]

David Dickinson desperately tries to sell his coiffured grey mane to a Chinese doll factory.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson desperately tries to sell his coiffured grey mane to a Chinese doll factory.

"They gave us a pandemic, the least they can do is purchase me lovely locks!"

[Pingers]

I'm starting to wonder if Glebe is becoming David Dickinson

[Glebe]

I'm starting to wonder if Glebe is becoming David Dickinson

"What?! I've never been so insulted in me entire life! I'm nowt like Dickinson!" raged Glebe Dickinson.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson goes shopping with his wife and throws a packet of jaffa cakes into the trolley.

"You know you're not allowed those David, your heart!" protests Ada Dickinson.

"Oh come on love, just one packet! It's my occasional little bit of pleasure now and then! You know how much I love me jaffas!"

"You certainly look like one," Ada thinks to herself.

"Oh wait, that doesn't quite work. You look like the orange centre, covered in chocolate."

"What's that, Ada?"

"Eh?! Oh sorry David, just thinking out loud."

Their marriage has been on the rocks for some years now.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson sneaks the Muppets song 'Mah na Mah na' onto his local shopping department's sound system and organizes an hilarious dance routine with both staff and customers alike! It cheers one man up so much that he gives Dickinson his antiques coin collection there and then. "I was gonna take it to be evaluated, but this jape was such a tonic you can have the lot!" chuckles the man. Dickinson is ecstatic.

David Dickinson nibbles the edge of a Ryvita cracker and plans the day ahead. "Ten o' clock, pop into Morrison's for a ready meal - Ada can stick that on for me at midday - ten-twenty, WHSmith to buy that book about antiques, ten-forty, call round to Mark Stacey to collect that Swiss watch, eleven, drink with Mark at The Wounded Cow, midday, back home for ready meal."

David Dickinson writes 'Leave me the fuck alone' in an autograph hunters book on a golf course in Arbroath.

David Dickinson dollops a load of tomato relish onto his Welsh rarebit in a cafe in Camberwell.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson is concerned about "that local new age woman that runs that crystals shop" this Bonfire Night. "She'll get all her hippie mates to do arcane things in a field, I can't understand their wiccan ways!"

David Dickinson gifts a hedgehog temporary shelter using an old wine case. "There y'go little fella, you huddle in that till the storm passes!" Ada Dickinson is heartened by the kindness shining through.

David Dickinson's favourite watch? "A golden Seiko I bought in a little jeweller's on Sark in 1984. Long gone now, but boy, what a timepiece!"

David Dickinson does a bag of microwave popcorn and sits down to watch The Client on DVD. "It's a '90s classic!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson will be sad to see Trump go. "He's a total cunt but he made my tan look vague."

A Greenpeace campaigner calls at David Dickinson's door. "I'm not supporting this eco clap trap, y'can hump off!"

David Dickinson espies a beautiful antique brooch at a local market with his wife. "Look Ada, I'd say that'd fetch a pretty penny at auction!" Ada sighs. "If I had a penny for every antique y'spotted, I'd be rich enough to afford to divorce you!" she jokes. At least I think she's joking.

David Dickinson has broken bottles sticking out of the top of his garden walls. "Any scrumpers attempt to steal my apples they'll be spending the night in A&E!"

[Glebe]

"Y'know what, speaking of scrumpers - see post above!" David Dickinson tells you, the reader, breaking the Fourth Wall, "speaking of scrumpers, me and me mates used to be a team called the Cheshire Scrumpers back in my day. There was me, Tommy, Andrew, James and Glenn... there wasn't an orchard safe in the North of England when we were afoot, I can tell you!"

[Gregory Torso]

David Dickinson oils up his mahogany body and slides naked through the palace casino at Great Yarmouth like a shelled peanut.

David Dickinson goes to London Zoo and is attacked by a giant anteater that mistakes him for a termite mound.

David Dickinson expires after a brief argument about a ceramic book-end in the shape of a spaniel.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson oils up his mahogany body and slides naked through the palace casino at Great Yarmouth like a shelled peanut.

David Dickinson goes to London Zoo and is attacked by a giant anteater that mistakes him for a termite mound.

David Dickinson expires after a brief argument about a ceramic book-end in the shape of a spaniel.

Lovely Greg, and a belated welcome back, btw!

David Dickinson is applying shoe polish to his new winklepinkers when he stops and has a thought. He is just about to dab some on his face when he pauses and thinks, "Nah, could ruin the complexion."

[Gregory Torso]

Lovely Greg, and a belated welcome back, btw!

Thanks Glebe, missed ya

[Glebe]

Thanks Glebe, missed ya

Missed you too mate!

Nannette Newman once slapped David Dickinson at a party at William G. Stewart's house after Dickinson called Isla St Clair "a feckless peculiarity with no sense of propriety whatsoever".

Dickinson later claimed he'd had a few too many G&Ts, but in truth he'd always had it in for St Clair.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson's favourite fruit is the tomato. "It really is a fruit an' all!"

David Dickinson buys a rare spyglass off Tamara Beckwith for £300. "The silly bint, it's worth at least ten times that or I'm a monkey's uncle!"

David Dickinson's Chevrolet Camaro is rear ended by Jason Donovan on the Edgware Road. "What made it worse was that Jason was driving a shitty old Lotus! The fucking indignity!" he tells Len Wiseman over a pint of Strongbow later.

David Dickinson takes his wife to Nando's for their Anniversary. "We'll have to sit outside because of the pandemic, keep your coat on, love."

[Pingers]

David Dickinson has a little book in which he has noted his ratings of every Little Chef in England. Each restaurant has ratings for food quality, toilet hygiene and waitress attractiveness.

2/4/18 Barton Stacey. Toilets 2/10 'disgusting, even Gary Barlow would think twice'

4/9/18 Kettering East. Olympic Breakfast 7/10 'good, but there's no way those potatoes were sauteed'

"You wouldn't believe the miles I've clocked up in me time", he tells Andrea at Cirencester (5.5/10 'chubby calves')

[Glebe]

David Dickinson sells Michael Grade a cabinet for the extortionate price of £500. "The fucking mug, I told him it was Victorian, but was it fuck! It was well shonky, even Del Boy wouldn't touch it with a bloody barge pole!" he tells Geoff Capes over lunch in Golders Green.

David Dickinson tells a reporter from The Penzance Gazette that his favourite chocolate is Fry's Turkish Delight. "It's the king of confectionaries," he exclaims, holding his head up proudly.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson buys a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape in his local Morrisons, but his selection is a compromise and he takes it out on the checkout girl. "What happened to your Beaujolais shelf, love? There's bugger all there worth drinking, standards have really dropped at Morrisons if you ask me!"

David Dickinson was good friends with Jeremy Beadle back in the day, and the two used to meet for a shandy or two at a secret gentlemen's club in London to read out the latest bawdy rhymes they had composed!

David Dickinson has been a fan of salmon for some years now. "There was a time when I wouldn't touch the stuff, but Terry Wogan brought me back to his after a round of golf one day in 1996, and his wife threw on a bit of the legendary 'knowledgeable' fish. It was an absolute treat, I tell thee! Since then, I've loved it. I'll have the likes of spag bol or shepherd's pie most week days, but Ada knows to 'break out the salmon!' of a weekend!"

David Dickinson wanks over an old copy of Knave from 1982 that he found in the attic whilst his wife is at her bridge night.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson owns a harpsichord. He can play the main riff from 'Golden Brown' on it but that's it.

David Dickinson spots a Tenko boxset on Shop4world.com and is tempted to add it to his basket. "Only a tenner, still it'll probably end up sitting on the shelf unwatched," he tells himself.

David Dickinson collects Walnut Whip wrappers. "I know it's a bit sad, but everyone's got to have a hobby," he admits to Nigel Lythgoe at this local gym.

David Dickinson is a trained acrobat.