David Dickenson Deso.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson goes skinny-dipping in the fountain in Trafalgar Square.

David Dickinson is rudely pushed in a queue in his local Tesco Express. "Here mate, watch - oh it's you Daley!" Dickinson and Daley Thompson are on nodding terms, but Dickinson is not keen on the Olympics champions public manner.

David Dickinson taps Gregg Wallace's phone to see if Wallace is "taking smack about me."

David Dickinson owns part of Hampshire.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson buys a Chippendale cabinet at an auction at Christies. "'Pwned', as the kids say!" he tells the second-highest bidder (a rather defenceless-looking old man) on the way out.

David Dickinson creates a scene at a Richard Clayderman concert in Bern. "Y'rubbish mate, get off!"

David Dickinson accosts Jon Culshaw outside a minimart in Kent and upbraids him over his Dickinson impersonation. "Fucking nothing like me, mate! I hate you new young 'alternative' impressionists and your cruel ways!"

David Dickinson finds fault in an upside down cake baked specially for him by a fan. "The sponge is a bit stale and the fruit's not right!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson reckons that late Good Morning Britain host Mike Morris had "the greatest moustache of all time. A truly English moustache, that."

[frajer]

David Dickinson bids on - and wins! - a Rowntrees storage unit then spends 126 hours hunkered in there, inserting those novelty Polo Holes into regular Polos. He never once stops chuckling.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson bids on - and wins! - a Rowntrees storage unit then spends 126 hours hunkered in there, inserting those novelty Polo Holes into regular Polos. He never once stops chuckling.

Heh! Welcome back frajer, you popped off for a few days there!

[frajer]

Heh! Welcome back frajer, you popped off for a few days there!

Cheers Glebe, always a pleasure :-) Back on the Dicko Deso horse now!

[Glebe]

Cheers Glebe, always a pleasure :-) Back on the Dicko Deso horse now!

"Get off my horse!" It's David Dickinson. "These stables cost a fortune to run, we can't have any Tom, Dick or Harry having a go! Giddy, giddy!"

[frajer]

"Get off my horse!" It's David Dickinson. "These stables cost a fortune to run, we can't have any Tom, Dick or Harry having a go! Giddy, giddy!"

I would definitely take a punt on a horse called David Dickinson's Desolation.

At a high-class society function, a loinclothed David Dickinson swings from a chandelier emitting his best Tarzan yodel and cannons into a duchess.

[Mr Farenheit]

David Dickenson's habit of referring to himself in the third person has always rubbed his wife Ada up the wrong way but lately he's been absent-mindedly calling himself Dickie Davidson. This has led to some tense moments.

'For christs sake Ada, stop correcting me! It was a slip of the tongue! I know who I bloody well am!'

Later that night he reflects on his spoonerism in his summer-house (more of a delapidated shed really he thinks to himself ruefelly) over a half bottle of 2004 Grants Vodka.

'Dickie Davidson.... got a nice ring to it! Sounds like a right jack the lad he does hehehe. Bet he could get up to all sorts that  goody two shoes David would never dream of!'

[Glebe]

"I wonder if I'll live to be 120 and find meself bidding on the first-ever Amazon drone!" chuckles David Dickinson to himself, in a tea room in Devon. The waitress gives him a funny look.

David Dickinson knocks over an antique jug whilst rummaging for a B&Q catalogue in the front room. "BALLS! Oh it didn't break fuck me I'm lucky."

David Dickinson sometimes disguises himself in public by wearing a baseball cap and dying his skin a normal colour. Signs his name 'Mark Stacey' in hotels sometimes too.

David Dickinson settles down one afternoon with a Dallas boxset and a large mug of Horlicks.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson believes Aunt Bessie is a real person. "Her roasties are a dream, but those Yorkie puds really go down a treat too!"

David Dickinson finds an old pair of corduroy trousers at the back of the wardrobe. "Are these back in fashion, Ada? Only if I can fit into them I might go trendy today."

David Dickinson bumps into Peter Davison in Skegness and tells him, "I never liked you mate, to be perfectly frank. I thought your were the worst Who, Colin Baker was given shite to work with."

David Dickinson keeps a shrine to Margaret Thatcher in his loft.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson is not a fan of the lychee. "There's something kind of 'Asian' about them that don't agree with me," he tells Trevor Brooking over the phone.

David Dickinson favourite mixtape? "One I made in 1996, featuring Fairport Convention, Chris de Burgh and Cliff Richards. The cassette sounds wonky now, but it's still a cracker."

David Dickinson busks The Beautiful South's 'Don't Marry Her' on a street in Salford for charity. "£5.29 I made, the animal sanctuary won't sneeze at that!"

David Dickinson has a machine gun installed in his conservatory. "It might sound mad, but you never know when the jerries will get at it again!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson dresses up as Willy Wonka for his granddaughter's birthday but all the kids run away in terror.

David Dickinson has an argument with the owner of a local newsagent's over their lack of copies of The Daily Express. "You should order at least another ten copies every day, mate! They fly off the shelves elsewhere but you seem to favour The Independent! Shittiest paper in history, that is! Nobody buys it!"

David Dickinson accidently knocks over a Royal Doulton ceramic vase at an auction room in Cleethorpes. He shoves the broken pieces under a table with his foot and quickly seeks out his wife. "Come on Ada, we'd better leave... I, er, have a dicky tum..."

David Dickinson always keeps a packet of Smints in the watch pocket of his waistcoat "for emergencies".

[Glebe]

David Dickinson opens the first window on his chocolate Advent Calendar early in a fit of impatience. "Sorry Ada, I just couldn't wait! It was a vodka liquor and all, lovely!"

David Dickinson makes a face mask out of some old curtains he finds in the shed. "I bet the wife's gonna say they belonged to Aunt Cissie or summit, but fuck that. Can't get sentimental in a pandemic."

David Dickinson trains a phalanx of hedgehogs to carry him about the grounds of his home. He takes to wearing a novelty crown whilst being transported, just to add to the ego-boost.

David Dickinson starts a petition to get the local curry house shut down, "because their naans are fucking awful".

[petril]

David Dickinson can't even get referenced in Letterbocks these days, never mind one of the spoof articles

[dissolute ocelot]

David Dickinson and Princess Margaret score 200 on Celebrity Pointless.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson has the largest collection of Hornby model trains in Western Europe.

David Dickinson joins a protest to stop the building of a housing estate on some local land. "It's affordable housing they're planning, otherwise I'd actually be opposed to this rally!"

David and Ada Dickinson watch a DVD of 1998 film The Land Girls one lazy afternoon, and Dickinson is so impressed with the production he stands and does a "BRAVO!" during the end credits.

David Dickinson phones Huw Edwards and asks him if he fancies going fly fishing in Cumbria next weekend.

[dissolute ocelot]

David Dickinson tampers with the brakes in Fiona Bruce's car, and she kills a hedgehog.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson plans to sell the house to buy an 18th-century spinning Jenny. "I've not told Ada yet, Jimmy, I have a feeling she's going to have conniptions when she finds out!" he tells Jimmy White over shandies at new local bar The Flippant Pony.

David Dickinson cheers wife Ada up by doing his Humphrey Bogart with a pair of Tic Tacs under his upper lip. "I know it don't amount to a hill of beans, sugah, but maybe not today, maybe not tomorrah..."

David Dickinson drives his Ford Fiesta non-stop from Penzance to Chester in a bid to outdo his late friend Roy Hudd's record. "Roy made it to Bromley before bailing out and stopping for a pastie, bless 'im!"

David Dickinson fills out his tax returns wrong again. "I got away with it last time Ada, fingers crossed!"

[petril]

David Dickinson plans to sell the house to buy an 18th-century spinning Jenny. "I've not told Ada yet, Jimmy, I have a feeling she's going to have conniptions when she finds out!" he tells Jimmy White over shandies at new local bar The Flippant Pony.

Jimmy sinks back into his chair, succumbing to the comfy, old, depressing ritual

[Glebe]

David Dickinson is discussing wainscoting over the garden gate with Les Dennis when he "goes there" by asking, "By the way, what was Dustin Gee like?"

"He was a lovely guy, David, I wish you'd have met him."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to 'go there', I know you're probably still feeling the loss after all these years."

"No David, it's fine. We were good mates and I miss him every day, but I came to terms with it many years ago."

"Oh good. Heh, he were dead funny... his Cary Grant was smashing, all he had to do was pull his face!"

"I think you're thinking of Robert Mitchum, David, he used to do Robert Mitchum."

"Listen don't get shirty with me, pal. Just 'cos you're still grieving over the loss of the long-gone Gee, that's ain't any excuse to get smart!"

"I think I'd better go now, David."

"Yes, I think you should!"

[Mr Farenheit]

David Dickenson is convinced some of the shops in his village are taking him 'to the bloody cleaners' with their prices. He now wears a Go-Pro camera on every shopping trip in order to 'catch the buggers red handed' on film.

'23rd November. 10.23am. Can you please state the price of this half bottle of Grants whisky. And state what the price was last week. DONT try and grab the camera, thank you. It'll do you no good anyway, its a Gro-Pro and it doesn't have any video tape inside!'

[Glebe]

David Dickinson sees a black man while doing the garden and comments, "There's a lot of them about, Ada!"

"That's blatantly racist, David, stop it. Oh don't forget the rose bushes, by the way!"

"You just be quiet and finish y'blackcurrant cordial, love. Finish y'blackcurrant cordial."

David Dickinson doesn't allow any orange-coloured furniture in the house. It's too much of a reminder.

David Dickinson is in the newsagents. "Just Take a Break, Jim. Oh go on I'll splash out and have Empire as well - they're all computer graphic movies nowadays, but you never know when a new Casablanca might appear!"

David Dickinson only eats Hovis bread. "Let it go a bit stale and hard and it's perfect," he tells Sebastian Coe over a bad phone line.

[Glebe]

In addition to his wine cellar, David Dickinson also has a 'pickle' cellar. "Some of them pickles are vintage," he tells a visiting Paul Hollywood. "1982, a great year!"

David Dickinson holds Paul Martin hostage with a table knife in his dining room until he agrees to sell an antique mirror to him at a knock-down price. "You may have got your mirror but you've ruined dinner for me, Paul, Paul's wife and the six other guests," chides Ada Dickinson.

David Dickinson does a 'Mission Impossible' and steals a rare diamond necklace from Christie's using a few wires and a bungee cord.

David Dickinson must have his daily Lion Bar from the local newsie, or he's in fowl mood for the rest of the day.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson believes that the whole of British society needs to be dismantled and rearranged in such a fashion, "so as it will resemble the proud nation of old! Here here!"

David Dickinson steals a Mahony chessboard from Eric Knowles' house. I mean he just blatantly steals it.

David Dickinson plans to create his own range of cheeses, and discusses the project with Blur bass player Alex James. "Can't stand y'music mate, but you're at the forefront of English cheesemaking so you seem like the fella to hit up!"

David Dickinson has a fantasy involving an 'antiques city' established on Mars. "Once must dream big, Ada! One must dream big!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson has Ainsley Harriot trimming the bushes for £1.50 an hour. "He's been living on Queer Street since he's been off the telly Ada, great cheap labour! That's enough Ainsley, go and help Joe Swash in the garage now!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson phones Prince Charles and tells him, "I would die for the Monarchy, my Liege. Now givvus a Knighthood, mate."

David Dickinson is rather fond of the rhododendron. "I know sweet fuck about the flower world, but by 'eck, that's a plant and a half there!"

David Dickinson Zoom calls Claire Balding in the middle of the night to ask for speech tips. "I'm giving a bit of a talk at the local antiques society bash tomorrow Claire, and I'm all out of ideas. We'll all have to social-distance and wear masks, which will make it even weirder. I'm shitting it. Nice nightie, by the way. Sorry, overstepped the mark, there. Have you got y'sound on?"

David Dickinson body slams a local farmer and pins him to the ground. The reason for this action is never made clear, but the farmer decides not to press charges and has a chat with Dickinson's GP in regard to David's mental health.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson is too orangey for crows. He's just for me and my dawg.

[Glebe]

David Dickinson shamelessly admits he likes large breasts. "Big an' bouncy, that's how I like him!" he tells Kay Burley over cocktails in the garden.

David Dickinson sues Dulux for "using my copyrighted shade of orange" in their new range.

Dickinson sets up a beef farm in West Sussex.

David Dickinson criticises Huw Edwards over his choice of ties during a chance meeting in Waitrose, Derby. "Mate how can you even consider going on air with that tat 'round y'neck! A disgrace! A fucking disgrace!"

[Glebe]

David Dickinson shut Len Goodman out of his life for six months when Len refused to sell him an antique chair.

David Dickinson meets Lenny Henry for a pint in The Particular Goose and the two discuss old war wounds. "See there on me shin? I got that when I fell off an auction room pedestal, Felixstowe, 2003. Life experience, Len. Life experience."

David Dickinson buys a catering box of chalk at a wholesalers in Dulwich. "Never know when we'll need it, Ada! Never know when we'll need it!"

David Dickinson gifts a bottle of port to Brian Conley "for services to laughter".